Sometimes thrash metal is good (well I don’t think so, but some people do), but the bedroom is not a mosh pit. If you’re ramming with elbows, I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong. Most of the women I know aren’t going to feel all that romanced getting pawed at while getting yelled at from the surround sound speaker my some mentally deranged lunatic, screaming about killing puppies. All of a sudden a sweaty, naked guy coming at them is gonna seems a lot more serial killer than romantic lover.

Ditto on the drum and bass, it might have a good beat if you’re going for a run, but that sort of speed in the bedroom is often frowned. Amateurish ‘jack-hammering’ to a fat beat is no way to satisfy a lady. Just think back to you’re first time if you need any evidence of that.

Also not an acceptable choice of music in bedroom lovemaking activities is, bubblegum pop; sticking some Justin Beiber on the stereo is not only a cruel thing to do to a partner (because he’s s**t) but it also has a slight paedophilic feel to it. It’s like sex and child music shouldn’t be in the same room; if it was me I feel like I was committing a sex crime and hand myself over to the police.

Finally, don’t go cliché and throw on some Walrus of Love, Barry White and expect your partner not to laugh at you or get embarrassed…for you. Marvin Gaye and Al Green are also out as they both often result in cheesy and creepy miming to the words while thrusting (hopefully in time with the beat). It’s extremely cringeworthy and as it happens a pretty effective contraceptive.

So turn the lights down low, light a few scented candles and put on some music with a slow beat and light on the words, so you are concentrating on each other and not the music. And treat your partner to a sensual massage with Liquid Love Massage Lotion. It comes in three delicious flavours; cherry, passion fruit and strawberry. Rub it in and it gets warm and blow on it to get things hotter.