Lets Talk About Sex

Do condoms protect against herpes?

Herpes is a highly contagious viral infection which remains in your body and can cause painful blistering on your genitals.

Once you have caught herpes, the virus will remain inside your body and can flare up again in the future. In general, outbreaks of genital herpes are worst in the first two years of being infected, with flare-ups becoming less regular and severe as time goes on.

Condoms can provide some protection against herpes, although it is important to take further precautions. Never have sex with someone while they have visible symptoms of herpes, always wait until the outbreak has cleared up.

Eight out of 10 people with the herpes virus are not aware they have the infection. Even someone who is not suffering from any symptoms can pass on the herpes virus but using condoms will reduce this risk, although it will not give you complete protection.

One of the reasons why there is still a risk even while using condoms is because they only cover the penis. Herpes can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact so touching someone’s upper thighs, anus and genital area can also lead to the infection spreading.

In a nutshell, if you’re planning to have sex then the best way you can protect yourself against herpes is to use a condom. Studies suggest that using condoms reduce the chance of herpes spreading by half.

But be vigilant and do not have any sexual contact with someone if you can see blistering around their private parts or inner thighs. You can also catch herpes though oral sex, so use a flavoured condom if you are unsure of your partner’s sexual health and history.

If you know that you have herpes, be careful to avoid sexual contact if there are any sores, ulcers or blisters visible or if you can feel the itching or tingling sensation which usually occurs just before an outbreak.

How condoms work

Condoms work by trapping sperm and semen so it doesn’t come into contact with your sexual partner.

A popular form of barrier contraception, male condoms are worn during vaginal, anal and oral sex. Not only do they stop your sperm from entering your partner when you come but they also help you avoid coming into direct contact with their bodily fluids.

Condoms are designed to protect the user from sexually-transmitted infections including HIV, gonorrhoea and chlamydia. They are also an effective method at preventing pregnancy and have a 98% success rate.

Most condoms available on the market are male condoms and are worn on the penis. To put one on, wait until your penis is erect and then roll the condom down the shaft.

It is a good idea to lightly pinch the reservoir tip before putting it on to avoid air getting trapped. Withdraw from your partner as soon as you have climaxed and hold the condom so it doesn’t slip off while you are pulling out.

As your condom will contain sperm, it needs to be disposed of carefully. Some people choose to tie them in a knot and wrap them in tissue before throwing them away.

You can also buy female condoms which are inserted into the vagina before sex and also stop the exchange of bodily fluids.

Funky Condom sells a large selection of condoms to suit different tastes and purposes. Ribbed or dotted condoms are made with textured latex which stimulates your partner and increases the likelihood of them achieving an orgasm.

Some condoms numb and desensitise the penis to help the wearer delay orgasm and last for longer. Known as climax control condoms, they work by using a lubricant containing benzocaine which temporarily dulls sensation and can help prevent premature ejaculation.

Extra safe condoms are made from thicker, tougher material than standard condoms. They are the ideal choice for sex workers, people who are HIV positive and those who are very concerned about their sexual health.

You can also choose from a number of styles and sizes. These include snug-fit, large coloured and flavoured condoms as well as ultra-thin ones which allow the wearer to feel more sensation during sex.

When were condoms invented?

Condoms are older than you think with historians believing men have been using them to prevent pregnancy for hundreds, if not thousands, of years.

No one knows exactly when the first condom was invented. Evidence of early condom use is sketchy but many people think that ancient people used sheaths on their penises as a form of birth control and some even believe they are depicted in ancient cave paintings in Les Combarelles in France, which date back between 10,000 and 13,000 years.

Archaeologists have found condoms made using animal membranes dating back to around 1640. One of these ancient examples, discovered in Sweden, was made from a pig’s intestine and was found with an illuminating instruction manual written in Latin.

Back in the 17th century, condoms were re-used again and again and were viewed purely as a way of preventing an unplanned pregnancy. However, there must have been some awareness of sexually-transmitted diseases as the condom’s instructions advise washing the device in warm milk in between uses to try and stop the spread of infection.

Condoms from the time of the English Civil War were uncovered in the foundations of Dudley Castle and were made from animal and fish intestines. They were believed to have been used by soldiers fighting for King Charles I.

The use of condoms became more widespread in the 18th century but this form of contraception attracted opponents as well as fans. In 1708, John Campbell, the second Duke of Argyll, unsuccessfully fought to have them made illegal.

And in 1717, Daniel Turner, a prominent doctor, complained that condoms encouraged men to have sex with multiple women but did not protect them against the spread of syphilis.

However, modern manufacturing techniques have seen condoms become safer and more reliable than ever before. The origins of the condom we know and use today dates back to the moment Charles Goodyear invented the rubber vulcanisation process in 1839.

His breakthrough saw the first rubber condom produced in 1855 and companies started creating the contraceptive devices using mass production techniques. At this point, condoms were still reusable items and many people still continued to use products made from animal skin as they were cheaper and offered greater sensitivity.

Further advances were made in 1912 when German manufacturer Julius Fromm came up with the idea of making condoms by dipping glass moulds into a rubber solution. When latex was invented in 1920, condoms became more like the products we know and love today and were more affordable as well as disposable.

Safety testing for condoms was introduced in the 1930s after a biochemist carried out an experiment with 2,000 condoms in 1935 and found that 60% of them leaked when filled with water. Then in 1957, Durex invented the world’s first lubricated condom.

Since then condom manufacturers have been finding more and more ways to make condoms thinner, safer and more pleasurable to use. Check out some of the different varieties available today in Funky Condom’s online store.

Do condoms prevent HIV?

Condoms are the only form of contraception which offers protection against HIV.

If used correctly, condoms are effective at preventing the spread of HIV and are the best way to protect yourself from this virus and other sexually-transmitted infections. However, there is always a slight risk that a condom could split or slip during intercourse.

Using condoms will not offer you complete protection against a sexually-transmitted disease which is something to bear in mind if you are having sex with a partner you know is HIV positive. However, the failure rate is low and condoms offer the safest way of having sex with someone who may have HIV or another sexually-transmitted infection.

There are a number of ways you can make sure the sex you’re enjoying is as safe as it can be.

1. Check your condom is in date – All condoms have an expiry date so if you’ve had one hanging around in your wallet or bedside drawer for a while, make sure it isn’t past its use-by date before you use it.

2. Look for the European CE mark - All condoms sold by Funky Condom go through a strict set of tests to ensure they meet safety standards and are suitable for use. There are a number of symbols which indicate whether a condom meets a high benchmark for safety including the European CE mark and the British Kitemark.

3. Never re-use a condom – Don’t be tempted to use a condom again even if you didn’t ejaculate into it. Always use a new condom every time you have sex and put it on before you have any sexual contact.

4. Make sure your lubricant is water-based – Oil-based lubricants can actually increase the risk of your condom breaking so only ever use a water-based lube.

5. Withdraw as soon as you climax – Once you’ve come, it’s time to leave. Withdraw from your partner straight after you orgasm and hold your condom so it doesn’t slip off. Dispose of your used condom carefully after use.

How condoms are made

When you use condoms, you are trusting them with your sexual health but how are they made?

The exact process will vary depending on the manufacturer but all the condoms sold by Funky Condom follow a strict set of procedures to ensure they meet international safety standards.

The following steps are used by Durex to make its latex condoms but other firms may follow a similar process:

1. Chemicals are added to the latex to make it strong and durable. It is then heated to reduce the risk of causing an allergic reaction and to increase its reliability. The latex is then tested.

2. The latex is moved into large storage tanks which are temperature controlled.

3. A line of clean glass formers are then dipped into the tanks so they become coated with a thin layer of latex. They are then dipped a second time before going through a hot oven so it hardens and sets.

4. The condoms are then removed from the glass formers and washed before pharmacologically-safe powders are added.

5. Durex then store their latex condoms for two days to allow the material to mature.

6. The condoms are put through an electronic testing machine which checks each item thoroughly for any flaws, imperfections or holes.

7. The condoms are then put into a machine which carefully inserts them into the correct foil packaging.

8. If the condom is flavoured or lubricated, the lube or flavouring is injected into the packaging at this stage of the manufacturing process.

9. The foil packaging is sealed using heat and marked with an individual batch number and expiry date.

10. The individual condoms are then put into boxes, ready to be sold.

Durex also carries out a number of tests to make sure its products meet safety standards. As well as electronic testing which is carried out on every single condom it produces, more than two million condoms each month are filled with water and suspended for a minute to check there are no leaks. A sample is taken from each batch to identify any potential problems and if any of the condoms fail a test, they are all thrown away.

A sample of condoms is also inflated with air to check their strength and elasticity. Each month this test is carried out on around 500,000 condoms every month.

How effective are condoms?

When you use a condom, you want to know that it is safe and effective.

The good news is that statistics show that they are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. This means there is still a small chance you could become pregnant when using condoms but the odds are massively stacked in your favour.

To put this into context, no method of contraception is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy except for swearing off sex altogether. And condoms are the only way you can protect yourself from sexually-transmitted infections so are essential if you are sleeping with more than one person or have a new sexual partner.

If you’re just looking to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, there are a number of other choices available but some are less effective than condoms while others can cause unpleasant side effects.

They include:

Contraceptive cap – a silicone cap which women can insert into their vagina to stop sperm reaching their cervix – 92-96% effective

• Diaphagm – This works in a similar way to the cap but needs to be used with a spermicide – 92-96% effective

• The pill – This is an oral contraception which is taken by the woman to stop her ovaries releasing eggs each month. Some people may suffer side effects including mood swings and headaches – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive implant – This is an implant which is inserted into a woman’s arm and uses the hormone progestogen to stop the release of eggs. It lasts three years but it can cause a loss of sex drive, headaches, nausea or acne for the first few months – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive injection – There are three types of injection which can stop a woman getting pregnant for eight, 12 or 13 weeks, depending on which type you have. It can cause weight gain, headaches and mood swings in some people – more than 99% effective

• IUD/coil – The coil is inserted into a woman’s womb and stops sperm and eggs surviving so a fertilised egg will not implant. They last between five to 10 years but there is a risk of infection and the woman’s body can expel the coil - more than 99% effective

These other forms of contraception all rely on the woman taking steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy while condoms can be carried by either partner to ensure they are protected during sex.

How to put on a condom

Putting on a condom is simple but it’s important to get it right.

Not putting a condom on properly could stop it being effective and lead to an unplanned pregnancy or sexually-transmitted infection.

Here’s how to put on a condom in three easy steps:

1. Open the foil wrapper but be careful not to tear the condom inside – do not cut the packaging with scissors. If you’ve had the condom a while, check the expiration date before you use it.

2. If your condom has a reservoir tip, pinch the tip to make sure no air is trapped inside and place it against the tip of your erect penis.

3. Roll the condom down along the shaft of your penis, making sure there are no air bubbles.

Make sure your condom is the right way round before putting it on. The rim should be on the outside so the condom resembles a little pointy hat and it should unroll easily. If you do put the condom on inside out, take it off and use a new one - don’t be tempted to just put the same condom on the right way round as it may already contain some sperm.

Once your condom is on, you may want to add some extra lubrication. Applying additional water-based lubricant can make sex more comfortable and it also reduces the risk of the condom splitting and increases sensitivity.

When using a condom, you need to make sure you put it on before your erect penis touches your partner’s vagina, anus or mouth as your penis can often release pre-ejaculatory fluid, sometimes known as pre-cum, during foreplay.

Make sure your condom stays rolled down on the shaft of your penis throughout and hold the condom at the base when you pull out to ensure it doesn’t slip off. Tie a knot in the condom to make sure none of the sperm comes out and dispose of it as soon as you can.

Forget Deep Blue, It’s All About Deep Throat

Here is the techno-crazed 21st Century robots are common place – whether it be a little sweet (yet mostly useless) robot that whizzes around your floor hovering up all your debris, a heroic robot that helps the military to disarm bombs, or a rather large super sophisticated robot(ish) known as deep throat that only plays chess. Deep Blue plays chess pretty damn well, in fact I think it is almost unbeatable, but get out a game of monopoly and it will be stripped to its circuit boards and begging you to let him pay for his rent on Marleybone Station with it’s CPU (I think that’s a computer/robot thing).

Well forget vacuuming robots and forget Deep Blue its all about the deep throat now…and I don’t mean the famous informant who provided information to the Washington Post ultimately leading to the uncovering of the Watergate Scandal. What people want from their robots these days is not a challenging game of chess it’s a good old seeing too.

There is a growing trend for sex robots especially in the US and China, which has led to Chinese company, The Love Sex Company, to create an ultra realistic sex doll that can (creepily) recognize and talk with its owner. At a whopping £3000, they doll is aimed at affluent businessmen and executives who are too busy to find and meet ‘real’ women.

At 5 feet, 5 inches the robot is constructed on a metal skeleton and has real feeling silicon gel skin and muscles. The physical aspects of the doll, such as face and figure, can be customised to fit the preferences of the buyer. Additionally, the robot has face recognition technology to identify its owner and can ‘converse’ in a number of languages.

Like most men want, this lady comes with a remote controls. Although you can’t use the remote to get her to shut her mush when you’re watching the football or to fetch you beer after beer, you can use it to get your sex-bot into a number of different sexual positions and make various parts of her body vibrate.

As sophisticated as this robot seems, it’s just a little bit creepy to substitute a real relationship for a relationship with a robot. But different strokes (literally) for different folks. If you’re curious about a sex dolls check out the variety of Female Love Dolls we have available here at Funky Condom. We have something for every taste and every price range so check them out.

Record Breakers

I’m sure at some point during your nocturnal activities, you have thought that was the best sex ever or I’m harder than anyone has ever been or even that was the longest orgasm ever. Well you could be right as we enter the wonderfully weird world of sex records. So the next time you get down to the nitty gritty maybe keep a stopwatch or a tape measure handy and see if you can beat some of these guys and gals. Although some of these records (it should be obvious which) I do not recommend you try at home.

1.) BIGGEST AND SMALLEST PENIS: Although size technically doesn’t matter, it doesn’t stop the curiosity about who is hung like a horse and who is hung like a wasp.
• BIGGEST: The biggest medically verified penis sets is a whopping 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches wide, measured in the early 20th century by a Dr. Robert L. Dickenson (yes that is really his name). I hope his wife knew yoga.
• SMALLEST: The smallest penis ever recorded sets was measured at just 1cm long. There are some medical conditions that can result in a small penis. One example is where most of the penis actually resides inside the body, known as a micro-penis.

2.) EJACULATION RECORDS: All I can say is you might want to get out of the way of some of these guys and gals, or you might get hit with some friendly fire.
• FURTHEST: The furthest male ejaculation ever recorded was 18 feet and Horst Schultz and the farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet.
• SEMEN SWALLOWED: I know it’s not the most pleasant thing to mention but I’m going to anyway. The most semen swallowed was Michelle Monahan of L.A., swallowed 1.7 pints of semen and had to get her stomach pumped. What did she do, go on a bender at a sperm bank?

3.) MOST SEXUAL PARTNERS IN ONE DAY: I don’t know where they get the energy or how they avoid the chafing.
• WOMAN: The woman to set the world record for most sexual partners in one day shagged an astonishing 620 men in 24 hours; that’s 26 and hour or one man every and a bit minutes (poor show on the staying power boys)
• MAN: Jon Dough, a male porn star, was supposed to have sex with 101 women in one day, but only managed to do 52; he did the others two weeks later.

4.) MOST PENIS REMOVALS: Some guys have a weird way of celebrating victory. In 1300 BC, King Menephta came home from battle after successfully beating the Libyans and to celebrate his big win, he asked his men to chop off the penises of each member of the defeated army. He arrived home with 13,000 penises.

So anyway, if you fancy going for some records of your own, we have plenty of products here at Funky Condom, be it condoms, lubrications or toys, to help you be a record breaker.

God No!

During times of intimacy, at one time or another you’re sure to have heard the words ‘Oh God…Oh God…Oh God’. If you have never heard those words (or some like it) before then, oh dear! Anyway, as it turns out it seems that God has nothing to do with it baby.

A recent study, carried out by independent researcher and psychologist Dr. Darrel Ray, has claimed that religious people have a poorer sex life than us atheists. Apparently during the study Dr. Ray found that the sex lives of religious people are influenced by guilt, causing their sex lives being unfulfilling compared to non-religious people.

Dr. Ray conducted an online survey (not the most reliable scientific method I have to say…you know what kind of are on the internet) of 14,500 people asking about their sex lives (pervert…just kidding). The participants were mainly atheist or formerly religious individuals who grew up in secular homes. No participants were religious before the study.

The results of the study revealed that almost 50% people claimed that there was an improvement in their sex-lives after they had turned their backs on their religious ways. The study was inspired by the personal experiences of Dr. Ray who abandoned his fundamentalist Christian background and found an improvement in his own sex life. He carried out the study to figure out if there were others with similar experience.

Although the evidence seems convincing, I’m not sure I believe it to be true. It seems to me it could be that Dr. Ray has a problem with religion and the effect it can have on people’s life. So if you are religious, don’t feel guilty about enjoying a healthy sex life. Check out all the products we have available for couples to improve their sex lives and remember if there is a God, he is sure to approve of something as good as sex.

There is Something in the Air Tonight

I’m sure most of you have heard about the World Air Guitar Championship, where fans of music, who can’t be arsed to learn how to play an instrument, prance around on stage like tw*ts, pretending to play one.

Well it the same sort of vein I bring you the Air Sex Championship; held annually in Austin, Texas, competitors get up on stage (usually in not much clothing) and stimulate their favourite sexual positions…solo. Men and women writhe around on stage it what can only can only be loosely termed as their favourite sexual position, to the applause of the horny audience.

Frankly I’ve looked at some of the pictures of some of the competitors and if they came at me with those moves I would think they were trying to buff out a dent in my body work or something. So it made me think; if people in the Air Guitar Championship play air instruments because they can’t be bothered to learn how to play a real one, then do people enter the Air Sex Championship, because they can’t be bothered (or aren’t given the chance because of their creepy air moves) to have real sex?

They really don’t know what they are missing. They should get off the stage and get into the bedroom with a real human being instead of humping the air…idiots. If you still want to look like a fool in the bedroom stick on some Gag Bottom Shorts; perfect for looking like a clown and can double up for a stag or fancy dress night.

An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away…Well not this One!

A doctor in Pennsylvania, clearly thought this saying had been over-used and decided to come up with his own.

The weight-loss doctor had some rather unusual advice for his patients who wanted to lose weight quickly. The chubby-chasing doctor told his patients he would have sex with them in his office and each orgasm they had would burn 200 calories (bit confident in his abilities don’t you think?). I once heard that you burn more calories vacuuming than you do having sex, but he wasn’t suggesting that to his patients was he? I notice he also didn’t suggest the women orchestrated their orgasms by themselves.

Dr. Arie Oren, 64, allegedly groped female patients with his hands and an electric massager. Suspicious patients informed the authorities and he was arrested on charges of aggravated indecent assault and indecent assault. He will be expected to deliver a whole other kind of orgasm a day in prison…that’s karma bitch.

You want to increase the frequency and intensity of your orgasms visit us here at Funky Condom; we have a wide range of lubricants designed to increase sensitivity and pleasure and all without a pervy doctor.

I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That- Part 2

A few weeks ago I gave you a sneak peak into the wonderful world of the weird laws surrounding sex. I figured with the long Easter weekend coming up I thought you guys might need some extra fodder to fuel three days of bank holiday pub conversation. Previous entries included it being illegal to have sex with the devil without a Condom, not getting paid for animal sex and having the mother present when losing your virginity. So I have really pushed the boat out with this little lit. Take a look:

• Muslims are banned at looking at the genitals of a corpse (would this be something anyone would be itching to have a look at?), and this includes undertakers; the genitals must be covered with a piece of wood or a brick at all times.

• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is masturbation; if you got an itch down there you had better be discreet in scratching it.

• In Minnesota it is illegal for any man to have sex with any kind of fish; apparently a woman can have as much sex with a fish as she likes.

• In many, many US states it is illegal if an erection is visible through clothing; I’m not sure if it is the erection that is illegal or the clothing.

• In parts of Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on; I bet this is a bit of blessing and relief for some.

• In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her and jiggle her breasts for anyone she liked, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Who is the picture gonna tell? Bizarre stuff.

So that’s your lot, get out in the sun , get a beer or two and share these weird, strange and very real laws with your mates. Happy Easter.

Digital Lover Notes

We have all heard those hilarious if not disasterous stories about some miscommunication when chatting through text message. I’ve heard of many a tale of a individual inexperienced in text speak confusing ‘lol’ for lots of love, instead of its actual meaning, laugh out loud. For example, our novice texter has just found out that a loved one of a dear friend has passed away. So they think they will send them a little text to let their friend know that they are thinking of them.

‘Hi Mary, I heard the sad news and you have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies, LOL Mabel x’

Most have us had made a text mistake or two, be it the odd spelling mistake, or the predictive text making you look stupid, but did you know that over 20% of us have ‘sexted’ (sex texted) the wrong person. Imagine the horror of sending a text full of unspeakable sexual acts to your mum or dad. They would probably never mention it and neither would you, but you would have to say goodbye to looking in each others eyes and live with the knowledge that you killed your parents a little bit inside.

So if you are going to get all sexy with your partner via text this weekend, check, double check, triple check and then check on more time, that you are sending it to the right number. Let daddy have you as their sweet little girl a while longer. And if you have that kind of relationship with your parents that they can laugh off a filthy text from their child, lucky you, but eww, what’s wrong with you?

I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That!

We all have our own sets of rules and ‘laws’ that we want adhered to in the bedroom. For me it’s that I don’t want anything to go through the back door; I understand the merits of it and I certainly don’t have a problem with other people doing it. I know that it just isn’t for me. It is a law that brings stiff penalties if broken in my bedroom or even if there is just a sneaky attempt at it; you don’t get away with attempted murder do you? Just because you tried to kill them and failed doesn’t mean you get a playful rub on the head, called a scamp and sent on your way.

My sexual law is quite tame by comparison to some of the bizarre sex-laws that exist around the world. As a little Friday treat I thought I would give you some of the funnier ones, to fuel some top after work drinks banter.

• If the Devil pops into Bakersfield, California and charms the pants off you, make sure that you use protection. In this town it is illegal to have sex with the devil without a condom.

• In the American state of Utah, it’s totally cool if you want to get jiggy with an animal, but you had better not get paid for it. Only free love in Utah baby.

• Keeping with the animal theme; in Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals. But, they have to be female animals; sex with a male animal is punishable by death.

• In Hong Kong, a wife can legally kill her husband if he has betrayed her with another woman, but only if she uses her bare hands. She can kill the ‘other woman’ in whatever manner she sees fit. Scary!

• In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. Charlie Sheen should probably give Bolivia a wide berth, despite all the marching power he so loves.

• In Cail, Columbia, a woman must only have sex with her husband and on the first occasion her mother must be there to witness the act…awkward.

So that’s your lot for now, it should stir up some interesting conversation over drinks I think, so ditch the office and head to the pub.

Eve of Steve?

It’s Eggs-trodinary! A chicken in Cambridge has stunned their owners by undergoing a bizarre sex-change (without the years of intense therapy and months of hormone replacement) and turning into a cockerel. Jim and Jeanette Howard were astonished when their pet hen Gertie stopped producing eggs and instead got some eggs-ercise by strutting around the garden and crowing like a cockerel. Over the following weeks ‘Bertie’ put on weight, developed masculine wattles beneath her chin, grew male plumage and a scarlet ‘cockscomb’ on her head.

It’s eggs-iting to know that one in 10,000 female chickens undergo these bizarre sex changes. It usually happens when a lot of hens live together without any male company and when one of the ovaries of the hen is damaged. This causes testosterone levels to soar and the damaged ovary is converted into a testicle…yes really.

Imagine that…one day waking up with a testicle popping out where and ovary used to be and a craving to p**s with the toilet seat up. Would it be frightening or would it feel completely normal? Did Gertie, know that there was something terribly wrong? Was she afraid at her confusing attraction to her hen friends? Well of course we will never know, because chickens can’t talk…yet.

If you aren’t really up for the spontaneous sex change like Gertie/Bertie the chicken, but fancy a bit of gender-swapping fun for a wee while then look no further. Men strap on the Busty Boobs and maybe strut around to ‘I want to break free by queen’ and ladies give the Long Dong Novelty Apron and swing that long dong around to ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ from Aerosmith. Fun times!

Joy and Pain

I’ve heard on the grapevine that tattoos are addictive because the tingling pain can induce quite a pleasurable experience. While it can’t be avoided in the tattooist’s chair, it can be avoided during sex. Just because you enjoy a little bit of pain in the bedroom doesn’t mean your partner does. It’s not the sort of thing that you can just assume.

I’m not tarring all men with the same brush here, but a lot seem to think that all girls want their hair tugged and pulled at…aggressively. A hand running through the hair is quite pleasant but yanking at it pulling out clumps is for most women not that pleasant. During one particularly awkward sexual experience of mine, they would just not stop pulling at my hair. They thrust their hands knotted right in there and pulling so hard that my head was painfully jerked back as well as a searing pain throughout my scalp. In the end in a knee-jerk reaction to the pain, I punched him in the face and popped his nose. I didn’t feel bad and was totally uncaring when I never saw him again.

Additionally, just because you like a bit of playful pain it doesn’t mean that your partner is experienced in such ways. A friend of mine was going out with a nice young man that liked to engage in a little bit of lip nibbling and encouraged her to reciprocate. My friend had never done this before but was willing to try it with her partner; she bit too hard and burst his lip. It was an awkward moment that almost saw them in casualty.

If you or your partner likes a little bit of the rough stuff and you want to share in the fun, talk about it and firstly learn each others boundaries and then explore them together. Maybe start of small with some gentle whipping and here at Funkycondom we have a large selection of Whips to choose from. Giddy-Up.

Love Games

The Nintendo Wii has changed the face of modern gaming; fun versatile gaming that, while also a lot of fun for adults, teaches kids how to have fun while exercising at the same time. But, apparently that is not all the Wii, and affiliated games manufacturers, are trying to teach the youngsters. A saucy game for the Wii has been pulled from UK and US releases by Ubisoft after outraging parents, who claim it promote orgies and sexual activities to children.

The promotional trailer for We Dare follows two couples following the on-screen game instructions. Instructions include: dangling the remote provocatively between their lips, hiding the remote within their clothes before spanking each other with it. Additionally, the men strip off for the woman as part of another task; it all sounds very suggestive doesn’t it? Well there is more to come from the promotional video.

There are various versions of the video already seen by hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube. In one the boys swap partners and off they go for a bit of slap and tickle and in another they instead have a rampant orgy together. So would it surprise you if I told you that the game’s age certificated is only 12; that’s right I said 12. Should children as young as 12 be playing such a highly-charged sexual games? Of course they shouldn’t. I’m all for children being educated, but this is too far…no wonder teenage pregnancy is on the rise.

So the totally inappropriate age certificate has ruined the game for us adults who could have had a lot of fun with such a game. But, all is not lost here at Funky condom we have an extensive range of Couples Sex Games to choose from. Feel like rolling the dice?

This Sex is on Fire

Have you ever had a sexual experience so fantastic you felt like it could actually set the room on fire? Well instead maybe you should check that you haven’t just left some candles burning and that the sizzling heat that your feeling isn’t just the sizzle of the skin on you a**e as it catches fire.

Take a lesson from the tale of woe from a voodoo priest and his woman client. New York nutcase, I mean witch doctor, Nelson ‘Pepe’ Pierre informed the woman that to cure all her problems, she would have to have sex with him…the horny old beggar. As they got jiggy in her apartment on a bed surrounded by candles a fire broke out on the sheets and discarded clothing. The witch doofus, before lighting many candles, poured rum over the floor, as part of a voodoo ritual to keep evil spirits away. This surely helped to spread the flames. Instead of raising the alarm he tried to put the fire out himself with water from the bathroom sink…idiot.

The fire killed a pensioner, injured 20 fire-fighters and left 100 people homeless as is spread quickly through the Brooklyn apartment building. The witch doctor had been known to brag about his magical powers; he had reportedly told people he could turn people into ghosts, move buildings and turn people into buildings. Wonder where his magical powers were when the building was on fire.

The moral of the story is: if someone tells you that you can solve all your problems by having sex with them it’s obviously a line, and a bad one at that. Sex is great and special when it’s with someone you care about, but never should you be manipulated into sex. For all the happy couples out there, check out the range of products we have hat can bring some extra fun and pleasure into your sex life.

It's a Weird World

Do you ever hear something on the radio and see something on the news and think, God it’s a weird world we live in. You must not me listening very well or watching carefully enough if you haven’t. In every aspect of life on this planet there is weirdness and when it comes to sex people really get freaky all over the world. After some skulking around on the internet I have found some of the world’s weirdest sexual practices, that make that time you did that thing with the banana as insignificant as Katie Price’s influence on NHS infrastructure (she has no influence here by the way).

In the Harajuku districts of Tokyo, Japan a new sex fetish called ‘the injured idol’ has spread like wildfire. It involves healthy women wrapping bandages around their heads to attract men. I have no idea if they cut eye holes in the bandages or anything; I’m not sure if usual common sense applies here. In Berlin, Germany a 78 man decided to sue for ageism after a 19 year old woman refused to sleep with him because he was too old. The 19 year old should have sued for severe eye trauma if she was unfortunate enough to see him naked. In Sydney, Australia a company is offering pole dancing lessons as an exercise regime for girls as young as 7; what’s next, a blow job class for choir boys…Sorry. In Madrid, Spain tow newspaper cartoonists were fined for a cartoon showing Spain's Crown Prince Felipe and his wife having sex…how graphic could it have been?

Sex was once a taboo subject that was discussed in hushed tones with code words and hand symbols, but now it is discussed openly and graphically. This new awareness about sex is good in terms of communication in the bedroom and that individuals are well-informed about safe sex (condoms, condoms, condoms), but it does means the freaky are coming out of the woodwork. Still they keep me amused…send in the clowns!

Pounding the Pavement

Last week I brought you the tale of a horny Yankee who made sweet love to his automobile in a crowded grocery store car park before passing out, either from ecstasy or from the colossal amounts of alcohol he had just consumed. This week I bring you something even stranger from the streets of Hereford…and when I say the streets, I literally mean the streets. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.

In 1993, Karl Watkins appeared in front of Hereford Crown court on five counts of public indecency; his crime was stimulating sex with pavements. Yes that’s right, Mr. Watkins had a fondness for making sweet, sweet love to pavements. Witnesses identified him as the man they had seen lying face down on the pavement with his pants around his ankles and his hips thrusting away. He was also once seen to be trying to mount an underpass, presumably to spice up his love life. He was jailed for 18 months and presumable became the bitch of a long-serving cell-block walkway.

Clearly not learning his lesson, Watkins was back in court in 1995 on charges of stimulating sex with a black bin bag in front of some teenage school girls. It was just his latest rendezvous in a nine-year love affair with the rubbish sacks. He was given 3 years probation and ordered to seek some psychiatric help.

It’s a shame that Watkins hadn’t discovered Skins Black Choc Condoms; they are black and shiny, which he clearly loves and they have the added delicious taste of chocolate. And that has to be better than the taste of garbage….right?

Dr. Strangelove

Have you ever been so horrendously drunk that you might not be fully in control of your faculties? Have you ever been so battered that the beer goggles are well and truly on and that honey monster in the corner is looking more like Cameron Diaz by the minute. She agrees to accompany you outside and the next thing you know you’re being arrested for a public order offence after dry-humping a post box.

In September of last year, an Albuquerque man was arrested for pulling down his pants and making sweet, sweet love to his car. Police reported that the 46 year old man began graphically stimulating sex with his car park in the car park of a grocery store as traumatised children looked on.

“Mummy, what is that man doing to that car?”
“Nothing sweetie, they…uh…are just wrestling”

By the time the police arrived they found the amorous man asleep next to the car; he appeared to be intoxicated. So had the man mistaken the car for a beautiful woman? It’s possible, I suppose. But it could be more likely that the man has a sexual attraction to automobiles, otherwise known as mechanophilia, and his intoxication had lowered his inhibitions. Mechanophilia is a branch of objectophilia, by which individuals have a sexual attraction to inanimate objects; there has even been a woman who married the Eiffel Tower. At least it won’t talk back.

Like a Sex Machine

I haven’t yet tried Tantric sex; maybe because thanks to the media’s over-saturation with celebrities, I now associate Tantric sex with whiney, humourless eco-freak Sting. For some reason the image of the wax-faced crooner sweating over his wife for hours on end is quite a turn off.

It is such a shame that we are stuck with Sting and Trudi as ambassadors for Tantra, instead of a hot, young celebrity couple who would give it a cool credibility and sexual appeal. Even Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog would be better, because at least there would be some humour about it…The Muppet Show: After Dark.

Tantra originated in India 1,500 years ago and it is designed to make us feel more and be aware of our own energy, sexual and otherwise. The goal of Tantra is not orgasm (I know sounds crazy right), but rather to enhance the whole sexual experience. With the focus not being on orgasm but in our partners you will gain an increased awareness of our bodies and a greater understanding of our ourselves…apparently.

If you are not really into the whole spiritual mumbo jumbo, but would like your sexual experience to last longer, try a long playful teasing session. Restrain your partner with some playful handcuffs like these fun Leopard Print Handcuffs and limit their senses with this sexy leather Leather Blindfold. Now go have some fun too naughty even for those dirty after dark Muppets.

Awful Aphrodisiacs

“Hey baby, I brought in some oysters for us tonight, really get you in the mood” You try to smile, hoping it doesn’t look like a grimace. In the mood? You think. What for? Vomiting all over the bathroom and myself. “I’ll go get the lemon” they say. “Why, are you going to rub them in my eyes and complete my agony?” 

Yep it’s aphrodisiacs; what they offer always sounds good, but do they actually work? Well evidence suggests they don’t and to me it’s not that surprising. Lets face it, I don’t want to swallow down what is essentially a giant salty snot in the vain hope that after an hour of wiping off my tongue on a tea towel that I’ll be gagging for ‘it’ instead of gagging in the kitchen sink. 

Having been blessed to find a boyfriend with magic everything, yes ladies (and men who like other men) I am bragging, he conjures up some massage oil and this does work as long as it’s done right of course. You’re not trying to tenderise a piece of meat, nor are you trying to marinade it. Circular motions with both hands in the same spot, first with the flats of your fingers and increasing the pressure by switching to using the thumbs, is a simple technique and a good place to start. But you will need good massage oil; a dry massage is like receiving full body Chinese burn, not pleasant. 

A good all round choice is the Hot Stuff Warming Massage Oils (Hot Stuff Pack of 9 Warming Massage Oils). They warm delightfully against the skin and smell and taste delicious, so there is plenty of fun to be had with gorgeous flavours like passion fruit and citrus burst. If you have sensitive skin, try Natural Massage Oil (Natural Massage Oil), which is kind to the skin and promises to send your partner into a world of pure bliss. That is sure to win you some brownie points; in fact I think I’ll get some on order. So, salty snot or sensual massage? I think it’s a pretty easy decision. Sorry seafood fans but if it was me I would be seeing that oyster for a second time shortly after the first, if you get my meaning and in no way is that sexy.
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