Before I met my current partner, who I have to give kudos to, I had some not so delightful relationships and certainly had to cope with some very awkward and highly cringe-worthy ‘shows of affection’; way more embarrassing than the boyfriend that gets a boner at the family BBQ.

It’s the sloppy kisser; not only are the noises they make reminiscent of slapping a toad on the surface of a pond, but I also had to spend months with a permanently wet face. A sticky, slimy face; do you know when a dog licks its own paw when it is cleaning itself in those long licks…my face was that dogs paw and my boyfriend(ish) was the dog eager to clean up. I was a little bit concerned that he would hump my leg in public and drop a deuce on the neighbour’s garden…it was awful.

I tried to tell the poor guy that opening his mouth as wide as he possible could and then batting around my tongue with his. It was like he was trying to devour my head and the effects were certainly the same, fear and a face covered in saliva. I tried to teach the guy how I wanted to be kissed, but that caused a tantrum of toddler quality. It was no use; he was unwilling to learn and I was unwilling to undergo a thorough (and disgusting) face cleaning every time we saw each other. I ended the relationship, he called me a slut (real mature) and we haven’t seen or spoke since.

So if you want to learn more about how to please a woman try watching What Women Really Want; It offers essential relationship advise and is the definitive guide for women and their men on sexual techniques that enhance a women’s pleasure. It can’t hurt, and if you do something for her, she will have to do something for you, if you know what I’m saying.