Flavour of the Month

Can condoms cause a UTI?

Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are extremely common and can be caused by a whole host of things from poor hygiene to simply having sex.

They occur when bacteria get into the urethra and can be extremely painful. Some people are more prone to developing a UTI than others and although they are not a sexually-transmitted infection, just the act of having sex can irritate the urethra and cause an infection.

Some people think that using condoms can cause UTIs. You are more at risk of suffering from a UTI if you use a condom with a spermicidal lubricant so it is safer to stay clear of products of this type.

Make sure your condom has non-spermicidal lubricant and always practice good hygiene. Only remove a condom from its packet when you are ready to use it and never re-use a condom.

It is also a good idea to make sure both you and your partner have clean hands when putting a condom on.

As condoms are the only contraception which offer protection from sexually-transmitted infections, it is still much safer to use a condom than to have sex without one. And remember that it is possible to develop a UTI from sex alone even when you’re not wearing a condom.

In fact, using a diaphragm increases a woman’s risk of getting a UTI and is not recommended for women who suffer from them regularly. It is thought the diaphragm prevents the woman’s bladder from completely emptying during urination, which is why a UTI might develop.

There are lots of things you can do to help prevent a UTI. These include:

• Drinking plenty of water

• Drinking cranberry juice or taking cranberry capsules

• Eating lots of fibre to prevent constipation which can lead to a UTI

• Treating any constipation you do suffer from quickly by taking a mild laxative

• Always wiping from front to back if you are a woman

• Washing your genitals regularly

• Emptying your bladder after having sex

• Going to the toilet as soon as you feel the need instead of trying to hold it in

Why condoms are flavoured

If you’ve only ever used standard condoms, you might be wondering why you’d bother with the flavoured variety.

Flavoured condoms are normal condoms, which have been coated to make them taste and smell like something else. There are a wide range of flavours out there to suit individual tastes from chocolate and mint to strawberry and blueberry.

But why do they make flavoured condoms? The answer is simple – most people are not all that keen on the smell and taste of flavoured condoms so if they’re going to be using one for oral sex, choosing a flavoured one can make the whole experience more palatable.

Even if you’re in a committed long-term relationship and no longer use condoms for sex, you might still find flavoured condoms make oral sex a more pleasurable experience. If your partner doesn’t like the taste of semen or is a little squeamish about blow jobs, they might prefer using a condom in their favourite flavour.

Flavoured condoms are safe to use for vaginal and anal sex but if you’re not going to be engaging in oral activity, the taste and smell is probably not your first priority. However, if things progress and oral sex ends up leading to full penetration, you don’t need to worry as a flavoured condom will still give you the protection you need from unplanned pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Do I need to wear a condom for oral sex?

People often think oral sex is safer than full intercourse. We all know that giving someone a blow job can’t lead to pregnancy but it can put you at risk of catching a sexually-transmitted disease.

When you engage in oral sex, you are coming into contact with your partner’s bodily fluids. If the person you are getting intimate with has a sexually-transmitted infection then you could catch it from oral sex.

It is possible for your mouth or throat to become infected with gonorrhoea, herpes, chlamydia or syphilis. And, although it is rare, you can also end up with genital warts in your mouth if you come into contact with someone who has them.

There is also the risk of catching HIV through

Stuffing the Sausage!

You may remember me once telling you about a disasterous sexual encounter in which my partner at the time struggled with each and every aspect of condom application. In case you don’t remember, maybe you would appreciate a little reminder. He desperately tried to chew his way through the cellophane wrapper, spraying the condoms all over the floor, which he had to scramble to pick up. Then he flicked the condom into his own eye for it to land with a damp squib on my naked leg. By the time he could actually have but the condom on it would be like trying to stuff raw sausage meat into a Cadbury’s Fudge wrapper…it isn’t ever gonna stand stiffly on its own.

A lot of people claim that the act of putting a condom on breaks the mood, but getting unintentionally pregnant of catching an STD can ruin the mood for life. So I thought I would give you guys a little tutorial in how to put on a condom, hazard free:
• To start with make sure you are keeping your condoms in a cool, dry pace and make sure they are within the expiration date.

• Make sure the penis is erect because if it isn’t the rest is going to be a giant waste of time. Never use teeth or scissors to break the wrapper as there is a risk of breaking the condom.

• Hold the condom in one hand and the base of the penis with the other (you could get a ‘friend’ in to help at this point). Pull back any extra foreskin back and put the condom on the head of the penis, with the reservoir tip pointing upwards.

• Pinch the reservoir tip, unroll the condom all the way down the penis, and check no air is trapped inside the condom as it may cause it to break.

• If you are using lubrication with a condom, make sure you are using one that is compatible with the condom.

• Remove the mole from the hole immediately after ejaculation. Before withdrawing, grasp the bottom of the condom with your hand and withdraw while holding the penis. You don’t want to leave any men behind.

So now you know the correct way to put a condom on so this leads me nicely on to ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Pasante Delay Condoms; regular fit condoms and with a special lubricant to help delay orgasms enabling you to give that special someone the best 30 seconds of your life.

Take Note Jamie Oliver

Last week a couple in Burton, Michigan in the US, were arrested for having sex outside a well known fast food American fast food chain, Wendy’s. Police were called to the restaurant after someone inside noticed to couple getting jiggy in the Chevy Astro van in the parking lot…classy. There was no bumper sticker on the fan stating “If the van is rocking, don’t come a knocking”, so police went ahead and arrested the couple.

Burton Det. Shawn Duncanson said when officers arrived they had to order the couple to put their clothes on as they were still naked inside the van. “It happens quite often, but not normally in the daytime,” said Det. Duncanson. What are they putting in the food in that Wendy’s? Are they serving Viagra-laced milkshakes? It seems like the perfect strategy to put people off their fast food; maybe Jamie Oliver has been doing it wrong all this time. Maybe he should get a van, get naked and bounce around in it outside a McDonalds

If you feel like mixing food and sex in a less fattening way and one that probably won’t get you arrested try using some Durex Play Cherry Lubricant. It feels smooth, it tastes sweet and is deliciously fruity and can be used wherever (on the body, not anywhere like Wendy’s) and whenever you like. It is water soluble, safe to use with condoms and vibrators and its twist pump action bottle is great for easy usage. Additionally, it is completely sugar free, so it is a sweet treat that even Jamie Oliver would approve of…tuck in.

The Nicolas Cage Philosophy on Sex

Professional weirdo, Nicolas Cage, has some rather weird views when it comes to food and sex. The full-time nutcase and part-time awful movie-maker, will wear what appears to be road-kill carcasses on the top of his head but he wont eat any animal that appears undignified during the sexual act (I guess that means he won’t be going cannibal anytime soon).

So what does Nicolas constitute as dignified animal sex? A top hat and a monocle perhaps? He must be dying to sink his teeth into a penguin or two; those adorable things look like they are permanently wearing Tuxedos. You can’t get much more dignified than that. But don’t worry nature lovers; Mr. Cage isn’t stalking Antarctica, in a white morph suit, hoping to find a tasty morsel. How about we hear it straight from the horse’s mouth (so to speak):

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

He is one dangerously ill man. If you want a tasty sexual experience that is nothing like the ‘Ghost Rider’s’ (awful movie), try one of the many Flavoured Lubricants we have here at Funky Condom.

Play That Funky Music

Sometimes thrash metal is good (well I don’t think so, but some people do), but the bedroom is not a mosh pit. If you’re ramming with elbows, I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong. Most of the women I know aren’t going to feel all that romanced getting pawed at while getting yelled at from the surround sound speaker my some mentally deranged lunatic, screaming about killing puppies. All of a sudden a sweaty, naked guy coming at them is gonna seems a lot more serial killer than romantic lover.

Ditto on the drum and bass, it might have a good beat if you’re going for a run, but that sort of speed in the bedroom is often frowned. Amateurish ‘jack-hammering’ to a fat beat is no way to satisfy a lady. Just think back to you’re first time if you need any evidence of that.

Also not an acceptable choice of music in bedroom lovemaking activities is, bubblegum pop; sticking some Justin Beiber on the stereo is not only a cruel thing to do to a partner (because he’s s**t) but it also has a slight paedophilic feel to it. It’s like sex and child music shouldn’t be in the same room; if it was me I feel like I was committing a sex crime and hand myself over to the police.

Finally, don’t go cliché and throw on some Walrus of Love, Barry White and expect your partner not to laugh at you or get embarrassed…for you. Marvin Gaye and Al Green are also out as they both often result in cheesy and creepy miming to the words while thrusting (hopefully in time with the beat). It’s extremely cringeworthy and as it happens a pretty effective contraceptive.

So turn the lights down low, light a few scented candles and put on some music with a slow beat and light on the words, so you are concentrating on each other and not the music. And treat your partner to a sensual massage with Liquid Love Massage Lotion. It comes in three delicious flavours; cherry, passion fruit and strawberry. Rub it in and it gets warm and blow on it to get things hotter.

Get the Gardeners In?

As anyone who knows me will testify, I’m a clumsy moron; I can trip over the air and walk into a door that is being help open for me, while being guided safely through it. I have also burnt my forehead with the iron trying to see if steam is coming out of it. The head-butting incident with the iron left me with a rather prominent triangular shape burn on my forehead, during a period I liked to cut my own hair. It was a disaster up there.

So you’re probably not surprised when I say that it’s a nerve wracking experience taking the razor to the special places when landscaping is required. And ladies it is required for us all, it’s not the 70’s anymore…afros are out! Just like I wouldn’t risk taking a hedge trimmer to the garden bushes to create an intricate bush sculpture, in case I inadvertently took off an arm, I also wouldn’t try and sculpt an intricate design downstairs in case I took off a…well you get the picture.

Luckily, at present, as long as I keep a clean house my boyfriend doesn’t particularly feel the need to see a lightening bolt, unicorn or Elvis down there. But in case he changes his mind one day or I would like something a wee bit different I have figured out the perfect solution…do your landscaping and manscaping together. Get some of the lovely Sliquid intimate shaving lotions, such as the delightful
Sliquid Smooth Honeydew Cumcumber and have a little bit of fun in the tub and get creative at the same time. Other delicious flavours include grapefruit and thyme and spring blossom and they are suitable for all skin types even sensitive.

I had better keep the plasters and Savlon nearby just in case.

Just Say No!!

Now I’m no fuddy duddy (obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing a blog about sex) and during my 27 years I have lived a little and experimented now and then. You can read into that what you will, but I have never been one for drugs; I don’t drink and I’m not even that keen on Aspirin. The song ‘Just Say No’ by tragic overdose victim, Zammo, and his Grange Hill chums must have really got to me.

It is not just that it’s an insanely stupid thing to do, it is also because you never see a well-rounded and healthy looking drug addict, do you? Step forward alleged winner and tiger blood enthusiast, Charlie Sheen or sour-faced, permanently dirty looking Lindsey Lohan. Clean up your act Charlie, you have children and prostitutes to support. And Lindsey just clean…yourself, maybe start with a bath or something.

However, I know there is a temptation, especially for young idiots, to experiment with drugs, but there is a reason why they call it dope. Cannabis use can cause panic attacks, paranoia and memory loss. Also I have been informed that it causes a massive case of the munchies; fat, greasy slobbery could be a particularly unattractive by-product of excessive cannabis use. No one (usually) wants to get down and dirty with a fat, greasy stoner. Yes people want to get down and dirty but they don’t want to come away with the sticky greasy transfer that coats the stoner’s skin. Stoner sex is likely to be the safest sex there is because they aren’t actually having any.

So satisfy your curiosity and have safe sex at the same time with Blowdom Cannabis Flavoured Condoms. Not only is it the worlds only cannabis inspired condom but it is also extremely safe.

So don’t end up like Zammo, Just Say No!!

What's on the Menu?

You’re getting all dressed up; you have lit the candles and set the table with rose petal and little sparkly confetti stuff. You are planning a romantic meal for you and your partner, sure that afterwards that you’re gonna get some serious dessert (Oh Matron!). WRONG!!

Jump to you washing the dishes and your partner crashed out on the sofa with pants unbuttoned and a trail of drool trickling out the side of their open mouth. You have a cheeky little grope of the essentials, hoping that it might revive them, but it’s all a little bit too rapey for you. So you give up, flop down on the sofa next to them, fall asleep and wake up at 3 in the morning with a pain in the neck and a knee in the groin…great.

(S)experts reveal, many of our dietary habits could be behind that reduced sex-drive and tiredness, reports the Daily Mail. Switch from white bread to wholegrain; the sugar in white bread is released to fast, resulting in the inevitable sugar crash, leaving little energy for some of the old slap and tickle. Pop the pork chop back and stock up on iron-rich red meat; iron deficiencies from poor diets are believed to curb the libido. Low iron levels are thought to reduce the quality of blood flow reducing energy levels, meaning no nookie.

So you thought that the romantic meal was going to get her or him in the mood but it didn’t; the only thing it got them into was their pyjamas. A heavy three course, and carbohydrate rich meal will cause a huge slump in energy not long after the plates have been cleared. The body focuses on digesting the meal, transferring all available energy into this process. You will begin to feel sleepy and drowsy and certainly not in the mood.

So instead I would suggest, having sex before the meal and build up that appetite. Id you want a hint of something to keep the edge off the hunger try one of our many gorgeous flavoured lubricants. Yummy!

Freaky Eaters

Have you seen that TV show, where some pompous nutritionist spends an hour yelling at some poor soul who only eats spaghetti hoops or Worchestershire sauce flavour crisps? Leave them alone you awful people; let them eat what they want and for God’s sake stop doing weird things with their poop.

However, it does somewhat annoy me that people will eat all sorts junk as part of their diet yet they will refuse to pleasure their partners orally, with some ridiculous claim that it is disgusting and dirty. You have just spent to day eating your own weight in lard and sugar and you think oral sex is disgusting? That is crazy fool nonsense. Oral sex is a great way to explore your partners and your own desires and what really turns you on; what’s disgusting about that?

Of course you should be safe during oral sex, but the taste of latex is not one of the nicer tastes the world has to offer and I will admit that this can be a bit off putting. So I recommend that during your oral adventures you use
EXS Mixed Flavour Condoms. They come in 8 flavours tongue tingling flavours: Orange Soda, Blueberry Muffin, Banana Shake, Hot Chocolate, Strawberry Sundae, Cool Mint, Crazy Cola and Ice Cream, and in that lot there has to be something to please any freaky or picky eater. Bon Appetit.

Tune Up!

Bloody hell! It’s like being pinched by a couple of angry crabs. You think to yourself. Of course your grimaces are mistaken for your sex-face so the torture continues; has he leaned his ‘skill’ by squeezing lumps of blue tack between his thumb and forefinger? Finally the pincers release their grip; of course you can’t sigh with relief just in case it is taken as a sign of disappointment and the clamps again once again tighten.

Is there is Birthday cake in here, because it seems like he is trying to blow out some candles or something. You think next. A quick and covert look around the room reveals no naked flames, yet the cool air does feel quite good against your red hot and red raw skin. The refreshing breeze stops all too soon and you wonder what could possibly be next.

You’re not going to get very good reception on those. It’s almost funny; you stifle a laugh because as much as these heavy handed and bizarre attempts at stimulating are you don’t want to hurt his feelings. But, twisting away on the things like he is trying to find Radio 1 is quite hilarious to you.

Yes I’m talking about the elusive art of nipple arousal/stimulation; sex scholars maintain that the art was lost around 80 years ago after the invention of the television…I’m joking around of course, but nipple-play (or whatever you choose to call it) doesn’t receive the attention it deserves. All too often men don’t know what they are doing and are too shy to ask and women know what they want and are too afraid to say so. If people opened their mouths as quick as they opened their legs (or fly’s when it come to men) when it came to sex we would all be a lot happier.

So why not learn about what feels good for each other, teasing the nipples, and try Nippilicious Arousal Gel in Watermelon. It stimulates the nipples to wild excitement with this tingly sensations and a tasty fruity flavour. Spread it on and have a little taste and tease and tune up the skills.

Lick It Before You Stick It!

We have all become so busy; life is no longer measured by how happy we are or how contented we are in our lives. Instead it is measured by the amount of cash in our pockets and quality of possessions we have; we have all become so busy chasing the almighty dollar that we collapse into bed at night exhausted. Where am I going with this you ask? When do I get to the naughty stuff? Just bear with me.

In these busy lifestyles ‘it’ has become the ultimate dirty word: FORPLAY! And this makes FAKING IT a key skill to have on the resume. You’re not gonna stuff a chicken while it’s still running around the farmyard (at least I’d hope not), you’re not going to slide down the fireman’s pole if there is no fire (well for funzies you might but the station master will be pissed at you) and you’re not gonna park your car in the garage without opening the garage door first (if you do you’re an idiot and will probably go through a lot of garage doors and front bumpers). Is that enough forplay related innuendos/analogies for you? It should be.

As the song by Denise LaSalle goes you got to ‘Lick it before you stick it”. It’s not like sex is in the movies you know; one quick snog and you’re at it on the stairs. If you try to do it like that, it will be like throwing an uncooked sausage into a sandpit (I love analogies I do). I don’t care if you’re all super, mega busy out there, make time for foreplay or don’t even bother having sex. Get out the lubricants and spend a bit of time touching a teasing each other. Get a taste sensation going and try a flavoured lubricant for a little bit of licking; try the JO H20 Watermelon lubricant. It is magically delicious!!

Take Me Somewhere Tropical

You can’t get me out from under the covers these days, and when I am out of bed I can’t wait to get back in there; while spending that much time in bed getting frisky is an attractive prospect, that is not the reason I have been spending so much time between the sheets recently. It’s because it’s so damn cold, it’s bloody freezing all the damn time and there is no end in sight. Its official winter sucks.

Low temperatures are a total turn off; you and your partner are trying so desperately to warm up against each other, it’s less like sex and more like rubbing two dry sticks together trying to start a fire. In this horrid icy weather, we all need some heat back in our lives and like many others I would love to be whisked away to a tropical paradise to feel the warm rays of the sun against my naked skin, but there is fat chance of that.

Well it’s time to improvise and create a tropical paradise of your own. Light some candles with fruity, sweet scents, decorate the room with some tropical flowers and some gorgeous scarves draped around and bring in a large bowl of exotic fruit. Don’t forget the final key ingredient Passate Tropical Flavour condoms; in mango, pineapple and coconut flavour, you can bring a taster of the tropics into the bedroom. As well as scrummy, Passate Tropicals are teat-ended, regular shape condoms that are suitable for oral, vaginal or anal sex.

Who need the Caribbean?

Rumble Fumble

He’s touching you in all the right spots and she is kissing you in all the right places; it is shaping up to be a great night. You’re ready; they’re ready and all of a sudden BBBBBRRRRRUUUMMMGGGGGUUUUURRRR!!!

“Is that thunder?” Your partner asks.

“Err yeah…thunder?” You reply.

You get back to business; after the mysterious burst of ‘thunder’ it’s going to take some time to build things back up again. After ten minutes of kissing and petting of the heavy kind it’s business time and BBBBBRRRRRUUUMMMGGGGGUUUUURRRR!!!

“What is that?” Your partner wonders aloud.

“Well its thunder isn’t it” you say with a few beads of sweat forming on your upper lip.

“But it’s sunny outside…look” your lover declares by pulling open the curtains, revealing a beautiful blue sky with not a single cloud in sight.

“I’m gonna have to move the bed away from the window” You mumble under your breath.

“What’s that baby?” They ask.

“Nothing, nothing”


“There it is again” They say, bending over the side of the bed to look under it.

I’m going to have to stop letting you watch detective shows, thanks to CSI every idiot thinks they can be a top-notch investigator. You think to yourself. BBBBBRRRRRUUUMMMGGGGGUUUUURRRR!!!

“What is that? It’s so loud” You had no idea you were about to bed freaking Miss Marple.

“IT’S ME ALRIGHT…I’M SO HUNGRY” you shout, unable to take the naked investigators interrogations any longer. It was such a surprise going from certain sex to Spanish Inquisition in 5 minutes, you cracked under the pressure.

Yep it happens to all of us, that moment when you are about to have sex and a tummy rumble resembling the noise of falling boulders interrupts everything. You spied a banana on the way to the bedroom, but you didn’t think you would have time to eat it. Well worry no more I have found the solution to sex-ruining hunger and it is so simple…edible underwear! If you’re getting a bit hungry during foreplay or during the act pretend you’re going down to nuzzle the nether regions and have a little snack on the tasty undergarments, keeping the roaring mood-ruining monster that is your stomach quiet.

If you have a bit of a sweet tooth and thinking about candy necklaces gives you a nice nostalgia feeling go for the candy edible underwear like this Candy G-String and the
Candy Posing Pouch
. Or if your more of a licker than a chewer go for The Edible Undies, they taste better with every lick. And finally for those who like to keep their breath fresh go for the Peppermint Posing Pouch. Minty Fresh!

Smart Art

Seven years ago when I was at college I took a life drawing class; I thought combining the naked human form and art together would be a beautiful and liberating experience. How wrong I was.

First the female model took centre stage and de-robed; cue half an hour of giggling and exaggerated sex stimulation with artist easels from every male in the room. With their moves the easels would surely be faking it. Next came the male model; I’ve never wanted to see a naked man (never mind stare at it intently) less. I was destined to be turned off for life; I’d say I could have gone lesbian, but the pendulum tits of the female model put me right off that too.

Thankfully I have found a non-traumatising way to combine are ant the human form; thanks Funkycondom.

The Lovers Body Pen Set, with delicious strawberry and chocolate flavours, you can draw erotic drawings on your lover and use your tongue as the eraser. Or if paint is your art medium of choice go for the Saucy and Sexy Chocolate Body Paint and with some delicate brush strokes turn your lover into a work of art. Just don’t get to carried away with the art and forget about the body, because that’s definitely the best part.

Thinking I would be turned off for life was obviously an over exaggeration, but I have always been sure to wear a good bra since being confronted with boobs that could get caught in the zipper of her trousers…

One of Your Five a Day

Are you one of those annoying, sanctimonious people who need to have your five fruit and veg a day, and not only that, you need to preach the virtues of it to anyone that will listen? If you are, I’m telling you now…stop! I no longer want to hear how eating a couple of bananas a day keep you nice and regular, of the virtues of cranberries on your reproductive system, because I know something that feels better on the reproductive system than that. Was that a bit creepy? Bear with me. 

Enter the wonderful road of flavoured lubes Fruiter than the average fruit stall and a whole lot sweeter (nudge, nudge; wink, wink). With names like cherry burst,
tangerine dream and dickalicious banana.

It’s got to be better than chomping your way through the fruit bowl, hasn’t it? Hell of a lot more fun too I would imagine.

“Well you can’t beat my peppermint tea; it’s great for my digestion” the food Nazi pipes up.

Well actually yes I can, with my peppermint posing pouch and some yummy after dinner nipples but no, you stick with your tea that tastes like an extra strong mint dipped in pond water. That shut them up!
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