Erotic Library

Don't Push It

Consider the following:

After some passionate kissing on the sofa, things have migrated to the bedroom. You sensually remove each others clothes and take things to the bed. The kissing resumes, things start to get all hot and heavy and you know you’re in for a good night. Then all of a sudden you feel two hands on the top of your head and you think maybe they are going to run their fingers through your hair just how you like it.

But no, instead you feel an aggressive force pushing your head downwards and before you know it your in a bizarre wrestling match with them pushing your head desperately towards their nether regions while you’re are manically trying to wriggle your way back up their naked chest. Your cheek repeatedly slaps against chest which continues for a few awkward moment before you scream “What the f**k are you doing?”

Has this ever happened to you? Isn’t it annoying? It’s the guy or girl who after a few minutes of kissing is trying to get you to put your lips somewhere else. If you want to receive oral sex there is a better way to go about it than straining all the muscles in your partner’s neck. For starters keep things clean, neat and tidy down there and it will be a lot more inviting. Then don’t be afraid to ask for it, letting your partner know how much they turn you on, but make sure you get the object of your desire all warmed up first, if you know what I mean.

To make the oral experience a whole lot more pleasant for both of you, try using some Head Job Oral Sex Lotion; the wonderful flavour and silky texture will mean oral sex has never been sweeter.

I Asked for the News not the Weather

Before I met my current partner, who I have to give kudos to, I had some not so delightful relationships and certainly had to cope with some very awkward and highly cringe-worthy ‘shows of affection’; way more embarrassing than the boyfriend that gets a boner at the family BBQ.

It’s the sloppy kisser; not only are the noises they make reminiscent of slapping a toad on the surface of a pond, but I also had to spend months with a permanently wet face. A sticky, slimy face; do you know when a dog licks its own paw when it is cleaning itself in those long licks…my face was that dogs paw and my boyfriend(ish) was the dog eager to clean up. I was a little bit concerned that he would hump my leg in public and drop a deuce on the neighbour’s garden…it was awful.

I tried to tell the poor guy that opening his mouth as wide as he possible could and then batting around my tongue with his. It was like he was trying to devour my head and the effects were certainly the same, fear and a face covered in saliva. I tried to teach the guy how I wanted to be kissed, but that caused a tantrum of toddler quality. It was no use; he was unwilling to learn and I was unwilling to undergo a thorough (and disgusting) face cleaning every time we saw each other. I ended the relationship, he called me a slut (real mature) and we haven’t seen or spoke since.

So if you want to learn more about how to please a woman try watching What Women Really Want; It offers essential relationship advise and is the definitive guide for women and their men on sexual techniques that enhance a women’s pleasure. It can’t hurt, and if you do something for her, she will have to do something for you, if you know what I’m saying.

Couldn't Pull a Muscle

“Do you work at subway? Because you have given me a foot-long”

“I’d love to se how you look when I’m naked”

“Is your name Gillette…because you’re the best that man can get”

“You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away”

“I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long”
Ok guys and girls, I have a couple of questions for you. Have any of you used any of the above chat up line? Ok so you have, well then I have another question for you. Are you single? Oh you are single…well it certainly is not a coincidence. Those chat up lines are nothing more than woman/man repellent. But it isn’t hopeless yet…yes you are useless once you open your mouth, but maybe the way you carry yourself is enough to charm a possible mate into one day maybe having sex with you. Read the following:

The place is a crowded dance floor in the hottest nightclub in town. You spot the object of your desire so you make your way through the dancing throng, battling your way to the most beautiful person in the room. After an eternity you finally make it to their side and proceed to dry hump the life out of them (not even in time with the music) and drool. Three seconds later the dance floor is deserted. Is this you? Oh it is…you thought they couldn’t handle you, because you’re just ‘too real’. No, you’re just a moron.

What you need is practice (and lots of it). Women, get yourself a male love doll, and men get yourself a female love doll, and practice out your lines, moves and everything else on something that can’t humiliate you. You will be hot stuff in no time.

Play the Role

It’s time of a bit of role play; and by role play, I don’t mean upgrading your 10th level paladin with the helm of destiny and the dragons spear. If you think that is the kind of role play I’m talking about then you’re clearly reading the wrong blog, haven’t currently (or have ever had) a girlfriend or boyfriend and spend all your time in your room pretending to be a rugged warrior (via your internet provider and computer screen) while eating mini pizza dutifully provided by your mum and touching yourself fantasising about the blue chick in Avatar.

For all of you that are in the real world with me be prepared to leave it once in a while to enter the role of role play. Consider probably most popular role play scenario around; the naughty and easily corruptible police officer and her smooth and eager to get out of trouble perp. Cue many hilarious innuendos; if you can say any of these with a straight face I am impressed.

“Get on the floor and spread ‘em”
“You want me to get out my truncheon?”
“You want to go downtown?”
“I need to perform a cavity search…a deep cavity search”

There are many role playing scenarios you can try out and even make up some of your own; Trevor McDonald and the newsroom intern that likes her men like Trevor likes his coffee, strong and black or even a horny Frodo and a desperate Gollum willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to get his hands back on the one ring (and I mean the magic ring…get your minds out of the gutter). However, if you do decide on the ‘cops and robber’ theme, maybe before you start work out the ground rules on where you can put the truncheon.

In all seriousness, role play can be a lot of fun; you don’t have to take it too seriously, just enjoy it. So for our role play scenario dress up as the Cop or the
Robber and enjoy ‘play time’

Quality or Quantity

“Is that it?”

Three little words that men (usually) dread to hear in the bedroom; unless of course they have a wicked case of selective hearing or fall asleep after sex before they have even rolled off you and therefore don’t hear much of anything. Well sorry to say this, but those three terrible words could be spoken under the breaths of many women throughout the world as their satisfied mate snores beside them.


“One more time?”

Three little words that women (usually) dread to hear in the bedroom; unless of course they are lucky enough to have a partner that knows his way around a lady. There is only so often that the paracetamol can be hidden under the mattress and that a severe migraine can be faked until the fella gets sick of begging and offering to go to Boots. Well sorry to say this too, but this also could be happening bedrooms throughout the world.

A recent Australian study has found that men within heterosexual relationships feel that they are not having enough sex but, they are generally more satisfied with their sex life than women. The study showed that one third of women dissatisfied with their sex life wanted less sex. It appears that men would prefer to have more sex that is average and women would prefer less sex if it’s great.

Can we get on the same page people? To men I say don’t gage the success if your sex life by the amount of sex you are having…it’s not a race or a personal challenge to see how many ‘releases’ you can squeeze into a day. And to women I say, the earth doesn’t have to move each time; any man could crumble under that pressure, if he wasn’t to busy trying to rid the machine gun of ammo so to speak.

Take some time each week to pamper each other; if it leads to amazing sex then great, but if it doesn’t at least appreciate the quality time you spent doing something nice for each other. Visit the Love Zone for the ultimate night of decadent romance.

Love Thyself

I pretty much just yelled it out loud there and nothing happened to me. I wasn’t struck by a bolt of lightening from above, the ground didn’t crumble beneath my feet to suck me into hell and my eyeballs didn’t melt out of my head while hair grew out the palms of my hands. So why are people so afraid or embarrassed to talk about it? Captain Pugwash wasn’t afraid to talk about it; not when his crew mates were called Seaman Staines and Master Bates.

For pities sake people if a children’s cartoon can make a tongue and cheek reference to it then why can’t we get over our own embarrassment. It certainly isn’t a dirty thing to do and it definitely isn’t self abuse (if it is your doing it wrong). If you are slightly put off by that moment in American Pie 2 when poor old Jimbo superglues himself to himself, don’t worry that almost never happens.

Masturbation is all about exploring yourself (to quote a cliché) and to find out what you enjoy; not only will this encourage a greater awareness of your body but it will enhance your sexual experiences with your partner. You can instruct them as to what you like; just don’t bark orders at them like some sort of bedroom Hitler. Men, for the ultimate masturbation experience try the Tenga Flip Hole. The Tenga Flip Hole is a new sensation that was kept a secret for so long. It is not designed as an artificial vagina its far better than that. The Tenga Flip Hole can be flipped open, so adding lubricants and cleaning has never been so easy. It also dries quickly for maximum hygiene. You control the intensity and pressure to your own preference. The state of the art construction will take you to a world of pleasurable sensations. Also included are three different types of lubricants, Mild, Real and Wild for your enjoyment.

Women give the Digitalis Delite a go; the super soft silent powerful vibrating can be used externally or internally for internal massage.

Celebrity Sex

So today I was made aware that McFly, boy band that have created a whole new genre of music known as crap rock, were offering something pretty disturbing on their new website. They are going to let their fan (yeah I’m sure there is just one) have a truly candid look into their lives. This means, apparently, that said fan may even get to see a life sex show. Oh my god, that is just plain disgusting, I managed to hold down my lunch after hearing the shocking news…but for how long? Will I ever eat again? These are questions I don’t have the answers to right now. But, I sure know I’m sick of celebrities sticking their sex lives right in my face.

You need only download the aptly-named One Night in Paris to understand my disgust. It isn’t really even the sex that repulses me…it is the god-awful play-by-play commentary. I’m all too aware of what you’re doing, thanks to the miracle of night vision and quite frankly that’s more than I ever wanted to know.

Are you a celebrity?
Is you’re career on the downturn?
Has it been a while since anyone paid you any attention that you so desperately crave?
Do you miss attending the opening of an envelope?
Do you want to make things easier on your stalkers (if you are lucky enough to have any)?

The answer to all your problems is simple, make a sex tape. Tommy and Pammy started the trend and if it’s good enough for them…However, it is not simply good enough to make a sex tape, you have to make sure it gets out there to the masses, but you can’t be the one to release it as you will be exposed as the attention-seeking desperado you inevitably are. You must construct some bulls**t story about the tape being stolen from a safe, buried 50ft underground and guarded by a dragon. When is reality you just leave it on the bus or something and voila, life-sustaining attention. Sit back and await the offers come flooding in for German reality TV…jackpot!!

Final Fantasy

There is certainly nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy; the sex-starved nurse and the newly awakened and amnesic coma patient or the naughty school girl and the eager to punish headmaster (although I have never understood this one myself; it’s all a bit to close to a serious sex crime) are popular ones that are frequently played out in bedrooms across the nation. From teenage onwards, we all have sexual fantasies; some are arousing and others are embarrassing and leave you wondering for months if you could be gay or a sexual predator. And despite the somewhat confusing nature of fantasies, especially when we are younger, they do allow us to escape from the limits of everyday life and we will often return to the same fantasy over and over again. The girl on the cheese counter may not even realise you exist, no matter how much Edam you buy, but in your fantasy, you are all that she has ever wanted and more.

However, there is another, not so desirable side to fantasies. If you spend all your time fantasising about the cheese counter girl (or whatever) if could be that the cheese girl is mandatory for your arousal, even if you have hooked up with the chick from the cold meats counter. No matter what ‘cold meats’ is doing with her pinkie, you still can’t respond to her sexually because your arousal is dependant on fantasy alone. Your fantasy has become an obsession; you feel so guilty of your inner-mind betrayal of cold meat girl that eventually your sexual arousal is turned off completely.

Fantasies are great but as will all the wonderful things in life, they should be enjoyed in moderation. Get too lost on fantasy and you may just forget how wonderful your partner is just the way they are. When you do feel like enjoying a little bit of fantasy try out the Naughty Nurse Bag; it is just what the doctor ordered and has all you need to act out the naughty nurse fantasy and maybe even a few others.

Robots Need Love Too

Robots Need Love Too
After seeing the movie, I Robot, it became obvious to be that, like the overweight, robots need love too. Why else would Will Smith and that effeminate male robot have such an uncomfortably gay relationship; they were both just hungry for love and they aren’t the only ones. The Terminator, possibly Harrison Ford in Blade Runner and Wall-e were all looking for affection, and now here comes Roxxxy (see the clever triple x), the robot sex doll.

Yes, Roxxxy, a fully customisable sex doll was unveiled at the 2010 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. The prototype doll, made by TrueCompanion is not only anatomically correct (all the holes…if you know what I’m saying), but she also has a personality…a step up on some girls out there already, am I right? There are five personalities to choose from and they range from shy to S&M; although if you are buying a sex robot I’m not sure why you would have a need for the shy personality, unless you have bought it specifically to keep Grandma company. You better hope she doesn’t find the remote.

Thankfully Roxxxy the robot sex doll is fully customizable as the prototype on display at the convention was a cross between Sylvester Stallone and Cher. You like big boobies it’s not a problem and you can also choose her race and hair colour. Her manufacturers say her outside feels like real skin, and a creepy internal skeleton makes her move just like a woman. Janet and Luther may have said ‘The Best Things in Life are Free’, but Roxxxy sure doesn’t, with a price tag of up to $9,000, you’d have to be one lonely S.O.B. A male prototype version is in the pipeline, and who knows what that will look like. If it goes on the levels of attractiveness of the female version it will probably be a hybrid of Gollum and Mickey Rourke.

But really, isn’t this all a bit much? Its all well and good having a bit of fun while the missus is away, or even when she isn’t (get her involved), but substituting an actual real life relationship for sex doll just screams sociopath to me. So instead of try one of the many male and female love dolls that we have available and avoid becoming ‘that’ guy (or girl).

For God's Sake, Pipe Down!

“Neigh, Neigh…ride me like a pony”
“Captain Dick-Hard is beaming into the Starship Enterprise”
“I’m your genie baby, now rub my lamp”
“Mortal Kombat…Finish her”

We have all heard some weird things during sex and I have heard it all, either through personal experience or through a hilariously told yarn, where sympathy is needed and instead I give them ridicule and laughter. Whether it is the creepy and highly inappropriate baby talk, abuse and pretty damn mean insults or some diabolical, cringe-worthy nonsense, some poor soul has experienced it too. So for those of you with bleeding ears and a now non-existent sex drive do not fear; you are not alone.

A little bit of dirty talk can be a good thing, as long as it speaks to your likes and fantasies. There is something so uncomfortable and unsettling about dirty talk that comes right out of the left field.

Where did that come from? You think, and then some nervous laughter ensues, because you don’t know how else to react; you are certainly not willing to engage in such embarrassing and off-putting nonsense.

“What are you laughing at?” They ask.
“Oh, it just tickles that’s all” You reply.
“Well it’s never tickled before” They retort.
“It just tickled just a little bit, forget about it and come here” you say, trying to steer things away from the building confrontation.

“Well okay baby, Captain Dick-hard is ready to Kling-on”.
Cue more nervous laughter from you and your other half locking themselves in the bathroom in a huff; needless to say, you’re quite relieved.

If you want to stop horribly awkward incidents like this from reoccurring I have the perfect solution for you. It’s the Rubber Ball Gag. Not only will you get a nice little taster of some bondage play, but you will also succeed in shutting their damn mouth. Hurrah!!

Never Again

“Aw, when is the baby due” You say, patting the woman’s rounded stomach.

“I’m not pregnant” She replies.

And here ensues two minutes of uncomfortable and painful awkwardness, which link in perfectly to my first sexual encounter. That was also two minutes of uncomfortable and painful awkwardness, except during those 120 seconds I received an elbow in the face, a punch in the hip and a handful of hair ripped out. It was extremely unpleasant and after that I swore to myself I was never having sex again and to show my commitment I dumped my boyfriend immediately. Callous, you might say, but he did spend way too long crying for a man in completely inappropriate situations so I was completely justified.

Of course I did rediscover my sexuality eventually, but it does sadden me that my first experience of sex was memorable for all the wrong reasons, and speaking to others of their sexual experiences it is something that is very common. Teen movies would have you believe that your first time is something beautiful and other-worldly but how often is that actually the case. I wish I had known more about sex before I started having it apart from the nonsense they tell you in Cosmo.

If you are embarking on your first sexual relationship or are inexperienced and want to know more, try watching The Lovers Guide to help you achieve the love life you want. And remember boys and girls, elbows in.

Romance is Dead!!

So it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m sure many of you have the perfect date planned; but, just in case I have wrote you guys a cautionary tale on how that date may go if you make a few poor decisions.

Consider the scenario: You spend forever getting dressed up for a first date. This guy is gorgeous and witty so you are very excited and although you don’t usually rock a guy’s world on a first date, you have worn some of your best underwear just in case. You arrive at the chosen location and that’s when things start to go south. He’s brought his friend with him and for some reason he doesn’t seem to realise that it’s a weird thing to do. The horrendously awkward ménage et tois continues for a few everlasting hours until the date goes to the toilet and leaves you alone with his friend. Your date is away no more than 30 seconds and his mate had got his cock out (in a crowded bar) and helicopters it around in your face.

“Fancy a knobbing”. Each syllable is accentuated with a flap of his penis; and this isn’t even the guy you agreed to go on a date with. Is he insane or just ridiculously forward?

The above actually happened to me and the morale of the story is that when it comes to sex these days, romance has disappeared. I don’t want to be flashed by a random stranger then asked to ‘climb aboard’, what is wrong with people? It seems to have become totally acceptable in today’s society to go from nought to sex in 0.5 seconds; no romance, no sensuality and sometimes no names.

Sex doesn’t have to be a sprint; it’s not a race, but now and then it should be an endurance event. Slow things down in the bedroom; really get to know your partner’s body and visa versa. Take your time experimenting with new ideas and techniques; try some of the remote control toys on the market to stimulate your partner when you’re out together for some sneaky, secret fun and prolong the sexual experience. The Remote Control Mini Vibe is a great example, discreet in size and works up to a distance of 9 feet so you can tease the object of your desire from across the room.

And if you curious about my response to the offer of a ‘knobbing’, I informed the bouncers of the establishment and he was forcibly removed with his penis still on display. There was a laughing in his direction. I left before the disastrous date returned from the toilet.

Dildo Disco Shoes

Have you ever been out, had one too many drinks, got a little rowdy and then been threatened with a foot up the arse? Well just be hopeful that the person issuing the threat isn’t a big fan of Vivienne Westwood and never makes an idol threat because you could be getting a surprise you are so not prepared for. You’re either going to love the surprise or hate it depending on your ‘back door policies’.

I am of course making reference to the above picture of the bizarre shoe created in 1995 by British designer Vivienne Westwood; with it’s apparently fully functioning dildo attached to the front, it gives the ‘foot up the arse’ threat a whole new meaning. Vivienne is clearly and innovative designer as I would certainly not think of attaching a dildo to my shoe; what’s next, condoms on your slippers? If you want to experiment with the dildo in a non-fashion sense there are many available here at Funky Condom. You can tie them to your shoes if you want, but that so is not the best use for them. For a little bit of extra stimulation, try any of the Bunny Vibrators. The Waterproof Jack Rabbit Vibrator is an award winning favourite and with a jelly soft head, synchronized rotating metal beads and 3 speed vibrating rabbit ears for intense clitoral stimulation, I can see why. Additionally, for the woman on the go, it has an ultra quiet motor. Result!

Still I will say this for Vivienne, she created the ultimate ‘f**ck me’ shoe.

What Are You Doing?

It’s a common misconception, which both men and women have, that if you have been told once that you’re pretty decent in the after dark activities you believe that you can please any lover…wrong!! Every lover is different, like getting a flat-pack chest of draws; if you don’t take a look at the instructions you’re going to put the nuts and bolts in all the wrong places. A decent handyman is probably going to get more things right than a flat-pack virgin, but he is never going to get the job done right (and yes that is a euphemism). 

What could have worked in the past could feel like you’re banging on the end of a ketchup bottle for someone else. What accounts for good sex isn’t all in the bits believe it or not; it’s also in the brain. There has to be a connection somewhere between the two of you and not a connection of the genitals. The problem is, even in this day and age we are still shy talking about sex, including with our partners. Instead of feeling a few moments of slight embarrassment we would rather settle for a life time of average sex. But worse that that you’re just reinforcing the belief you’re partner has that they are the world’s number 1 lover; and that certainly isn’t fair on any potential lovers he or she may have in the future. 

If you’re not comfortable talking about what you like in the bedroom in a direct way, turn down the pressure and turn up the fun by playing an adult board game and learn about yourself and your lover at the same time. Discover Your Lover (Discover Your Lover) is a great (and reasonably priced) choice that will bring you and your partner closer together while learning what really turns each other on. After a few games the handyman won’t need the instructions anymore.
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