Buyers Guide

Can condoms cause a UTI?

Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are extremely common and can be caused by a whole host of things from poor hygiene to simply having sex.

They occur when bacteria get into the urethra and can be extremely painful. Some people are more prone to developing a UTI than others and although they are not a sexually-transmitted infection, just the act of having sex can irritate the urethra and cause an infection.

Some people think that using condoms can cause UTIs. You are more at risk of suffering from a UTI if you use a condom with a spermicidal lubricant so it is safer to stay clear of products of this type.

Make sure your condom has non-spermicidal lubricant and always practice good hygiene. Only remove a condom from its packet when you are ready to use it and never re-use a condom.

It is also a good idea to make sure both you and your partner have clean hands when putting a condom on.

As condoms are the only contraception which offer protection from sexually-transmitted infections, it is still much safer to use a condom than to have sex without one. And remember that it is possible to develop a UTI from sex alone even when you’re not wearing a condom.

In fact, using a diaphragm increases a woman’s risk of getting a UTI and is not recommended for women who suffer from them regularly. It is thought the diaphragm prevents the woman’s bladder from completely emptying during urination, which is why a UTI might develop.

There are lots of things you can do to help prevent a UTI. These include:

• Drinking plenty of water

• Drinking cranberry juice or taking cranberry capsules

• Eating lots of fibre to prevent constipation which can lead to a UTI

• Treating any constipation you do suffer from quickly by taking a mild laxative

• Always wiping from front to back if you are a woman

• Washing your genitals regularly

• Emptying your bladder after having sex

• Going to the toilet as soon as you feel the need instead of trying to hold it in

Are condoms vegan?

If you’re vegan, you may not realise that the contraception you use might contain animal products.

Most condoms are latex and contain casein, a protein which is found in milk. Casein is added to help make the latex smooth during the manufacturing process.

There are even some condoms which are made using lamb’s intestines, although these aren’t as common as they used to be. In fact, these lambskin condoms are not recommended for protecting yourself against sexually-transmitted diseases as they are porous, although they are effective at preventing pregnancy.

But don’t despair, there are lots of vegan condoms on the market so you can practise safe sex without compromising on your principles. You may also want to avoid condoms which contain casein if you suffer from a milk allergy as it is possible you could experience a reaction.

One way of avoiding casein is to buy non-latex condoms which offer just as much protection from unplanned pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections.

Funky Condom sells LifeStyles SKYN condoms which are made from polyisoprene and are vegan. Other non-latex condoms like Durex RealFeel are also made without casein and so are a good choice if you are trying to avoid using contraception which contains animal products.

Condomi condoms used to be recognised as vegan by the Vegan Society. However, after some changes to the manufacturing process, there have been claims that they are no longer vegan but Condomi state all their products are free from animal derivatives.

It is not just non-latex condoms which are vegan-friendly. Some manufacturers make latex condoms without using casein or any other animal products.

One of these brands is Kimono, a Japanese condom manufacturer which uses no animal or milk proteins. Funky Condom sells five products from Kimono, including Kimono Thin Maxx Large, Kimono Thin and Kimono MicroThin Large.

What condoms should I buy?

When you’re choosing which condom you should buy, there are a few things to think about.

What are your priorities? There is a wide variety of choices which all cater to different tastes and needs so it is a good idea to work out what is most important to you.

Here are some things to think about when working out which condoms to buy:

• Are you mostly concerned about safety?

Funky Condom sells a number of Extra Safe condoms with products from Pasante, EXS and Durex. These condoms are slightly thicker than standard condoms and have extra lubrication to minimise the risk of tearing and provide high levels of protection.

• Does size matter?

If you’re bigger or smaller than average, you might want to consider buying a condom which is better suited to your size. Wearing ill-fitting condoms can be uncomfortable and unpleasant and could also increase the risk of it slipping or breaking. There is a good choice of extra-large and snug fit condoms available to meet your needs.

• What kind of sex are you having?

While all the condoms Funky Condom sells are safe for vaginal, anal and oral sex, you may want to stock up on some flavoured condoms if you’re going to be using them for blow jobs. Many people don’t like the taste or smell of latex so buying one in a tasty flavour can make the whole act more enjoyable for both of you.

• Do you want to last longer?

If you’re concerned about coming too soon or you simply want to extend your lovemaking, you might want to consider buying some climax control condoms. With a lubricant designed to temporarily numb your penis and delay orgasm, these condoms will help your sex sessions last longer.

• Are you looking to heighten pleasure?

If you’re looking to maximise sensations, there are a few options open to you. Ultra-thin condoms will intensify feelings for the man and provide a more natural sexual experience. On the other hand, ribbed and dotted condoms will thrill and stimulate the woman and increase her chances of reaching a climax.

When you’re choosing condoms, the best thing to do is take a look at what is available. Don’t get stuck in a rut, try out a few different types and styles to discover which you like best. Many of the condoms sold by Funky Condom are sold in small quantities so you can try them out before buying larger packets of your favourites.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

Herpes is a highly contagious viral infection which remains in your body and can cause painful blistering on your genitals.

Once you have caught herpes, the virus will remain inside your body and can flare up again in the future. In general, outbreaks of genital herpes are worst in the first two years of being infected, with flare-ups becoming less regular and severe as time goes on.

Condoms can provide some protection against herpes, although it is important to take further precautions. Never have sex with someone while they have visible symptoms of herpes, always wait until the outbreak has cleared up.

Eight out of 10 people with the herpes virus are not aware they have the infection. Even someone who is not suffering from any symptoms can pass on the herpes virus but using condoms will reduce this risk, although it will not give you complete protection.

One of the reasons why there is still a risk even while using condoms is because they only cover the penis. Herpes can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact so touching someone’s upper thighs, anus and genital area can also lead to the infection spreading.

In a nutshell, if you’re planning to have sex then the best way you can protect yourself against herpes is to use a condom. Studies suggest that using condoms reduce the chance of herpes spreading by half.

But be vigilant and do not have any sexual contact with someone if you can see blistering around their private parts or inner thighs. You can also catch herpes though oral sex, so use a flavoured condom if you are unsure of your partner’s sexual health and history.

If you know that you have herpes, be careful to avoid sexual contact if there are any sores, ulcers or blisters visible or if you can feel the itching or tingling sensation which usually occurs just before an outbreak.

Which condom is best?

Asking which condom is the best is a bit like asking about the length of a piece of string.

There is no one answer as everyone’s tastes and needs are different and one person’s favourite might not work as well for another. The key is to find which condom is best for you.

One way you can find your favourite is to try out a few different types and see which you prefer. Funky Condom sells condoms from 11 different brands, including Durex, Trojan and Pasante.

Many of our products can be purchased in small quantities, giving you the option of trying out lots of different types before settling on your ideal one.

And remember, there’s no need to stick to a particular type of condom. You can buy lots of different types and choose whichever one suits your mood (or the mood of your partner) at the time.

At Funky Condom, we think all the condoms we sell are fantastic but here are some suggestions as to which type might suit you:

1. When you’re in the mood for oral sex
Flavoured condoms are a good bet for adding a bit of flavour and excitement to oral sex. They are safe for vaginal and anal sex as well and come in a wide variety of flavours. If you’re a chocoholic, you might want to try EXS Hot Chocolate flavour condoms, while if you’re feeling fruity there is Pasante Tropical.

2. If you want to last longer between the sheets
Climax control condoms are ideal for men you are concerned about premature ejaculation or who simply want to last longer before they orgasm. With a special lubricant designed to desensitise the penis, these condoms delay the moment of climax. Examples include Pasante Infinity Delay, Durex Extended Pleasure and EXS Delay.

3. For something a little bit different
If you’re looking for something which offers a little bit more than standard, there are a number of condoms which could be right for you. There are coloured condoms to suit any occasion, textured condoms which will stimulate your partner and latex-free condoms if you have an allergy to rubber. You can also buy condoms in fun packaging like EXS Smiley Face condoms.

4. If you’re looking for a bareback experience

Ultra-thin condoms are perfect for people who want to practice safe sex but don’t like the feeling of wearing a condom. Funky Condoms sells a number of super thin condoms which allow you to feel every sensation of sex but are still strong and effective. You might want to try Okamoto’s 0.02 Latex-free Hydro condoms which are half the thickness of regular condoms.

How condoms work

Condoms work by trapping sperm and semen so it doesn’t come into contact with your sexual partner.

A popular form of barrier contraception, male condoms are worn during vaginal, anal and oral sex. Not only do they stop your sperm from entering your partner when you come but they also help you avoid coming into direct contact with their bodily fluids.

Condoms are designed to protect the user from sexually-transmitted infections including HIV, gonorrhoea and chlamydia. They are also an effective method at preventing pregnancy and have a 98% success rate.

Most condoms available on the market are male condoms and are worn on the penis. To put one on, wait until your penis is erect and then roll the condom down the shaft.

It is a good idea to lightly pinch the reservoir tip before putting it on to avoid air getting trapped. Withdraw from your partner as soon as you have climaxed and hold the condom so it doesn’t slip off while you are pulling out.

As your condom will contain sperm, it needs to be disposed of carefully. Some people choose to tie them in a knot and wrap them in tissue before throwing them away.

You can also buy female condoms which are inserted into the vagina before sex and also stop the exchange of bodily fluids.

Funky Condom sells a large selection of condoms to suit different tastes and purposes. Ribbed or dotted condoms are made with textured latex which stimulates your partner and increases the likelihood of them achieving an orgasm.

Some condoms numb and desensitise the penis to help the wearer delay orgasm and last for longer. Known as climax control condoms, they work by using a lubricant containing benzocaine which temporarily dulls sensation and can help prevent premature ejaculation.

Extra safe condoms are made from thicker, tougher material than standard condoms. They are the ideal choice for sex workers, people who are HIV positive and those who are very concerned about their sexual health.

You can also choose from a number of styles and sizes. These include snug-fit, large coloured and flavoured condoms as well as ultra-thin ones which allow the wearer to feel more sensation during sex.

Do condoms have sizes?

Many people think condoms are a one-size-fits-all solution but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

Penises come in all shapes and sizes and so do condoms and it is worth trying out a few different brands and styles to find the one which is perfect for you. In the UK, the average man’s penis is around six inches long and standard condoms are created to fit the majority of British men.

However, sizes do vary depending on what brand you choose. For example, condoms made by Japanese manufacturer Okamoto are slightly smaller than those made by US or British firms.

Funky Condom also sells a variety of larger and smaller condoms to suit people whose manhood is far from average.

If standard condoms often slip around on your penis or you feel like they are loose or baggy, it could be worth trying a tighter fitting variety. There are a number of great options on the market including Pasante Trim, EXS Sung Fit and Lifestyle Snugger Fit.

A closer fitting condom is not just for men with smaller than average penises. Many people find they enjoy wearing a snug size more than a standard one so give one a go and see whether it floats your boat.

One way of checking which condom size is right for you is by measuring your girth at its widest point with a tape measure. Those with a circumference measurement of less than 4.7 inches (119mm) will usually be more comfortable with a closer-fitting condom.

However, if you have a circumference of more than 5.1 inches (130mm) then a larger condom may be the best bet for you.

Larger sized condoms are the perfect choice for well-endowed men who may feel uncomfortable or restricted in standard size condoms. If you have a large penis, trying to force it into a condom which is too small could be a risky business as you are increasing the chance it could split during intercourse.

Funky Condom sells a range of condoms in large sizes. Our collection includes Durex XXL, Pasante King Size and Trojan Magnum.

Many of our products, including EXS Magnum Large and Lifestyles King Size XL, can be ordered individually so you can try a few out for size before committing to buying a larger pack.

When were condoms invented?

Condoms are older than you think with historians believing men have been using them to prevent pregnancy for hundreds, if not thousands, of years.

No one knows exactly when the first condom was invented. Evidence of early condom use is sketchy but many people think that ancient people used sheaths on their penises as a form of birth control and some even believe they are depicted in ancient cave paintings in Les Combarelles in France, which date back between 10,000 and 13,000 years.

Archaeologists have found condoms made using animal membranes dating back to around 1640. One of these ancient examples, discovered in Sweden, was made from a pig’s intestine and was found with an illuminating instruction manual written in Latin.

Back in the 17th century, condoms were re-used again and again and were viewed purely as a way of preventing an unplanned pregnancy. However, there must have been some awareness of sexually-transmitted diseases as the condom’s instructions advise washing the device in warm milk in between uses to try and stop the spread of infection.

Condoms from the time of the English Civil War were uncovered in the foundations of Dudley Castle and were made from animal and fish intestines. They were believed to have been used by soldiers fighting for King Charles I.

The use of condoms became more widespread in the 18th century but this form of contraception attracted opponents as well as fans. In 1708, John Campbell, the second Duke of Argyll, unsuccessfully fought to have them made illegal.

And in 1717, Daniel Turner, a prominent doctor, complained that condoms encouraged men to have sex with multiple women but did not protect them against the spread of syphilis.

However, modern manufacturing techniques have seen condoms become safer and more reliable than ever before. The origins of the condom we know and use today dates back to the moment Charles Goodyear invented the rubber vulcanisation process in 1839.

His breakthrough saw the first rubber condom produced in 1855 and companies started creating the contraceptive devices using mass production techniques. At this point, condoms were still reusable items and many people still continued to use products made from animal skin as they were cheaper and offered greater sensitivity.

Further advances were made in 1912 when German manufacturer Julius Fromm came up with the idea of making condoms by dipping glass moulds into a rubber solution. When latex was invented in 1920, condoms became more like the products we know and love today and were more affordable as well as disposable.

Safety testing for condoms was introduced in the 1930s after a biochemist carried out an experiment with 2,000 condoms in 1935 and found that 60% of them leaked when filled with water. Then in 1957, Durex invented the world’s first lubricated condom.

Since then condom manufacturers have been finding more and more ways to make condoms thinner, safer and more pleasurable to use. Check out some of the different varieties available today in Funky Condom’s online store.

Do condoms prevent HIV?

Condoms are the only form of contraception which offers protection against HIV.

If used correctly, condoms are effective at preventing the spread of HIV and are the best way to protect yourself from this virus and other sexually-transmitted infections. However, there is always a slight risk that a condom could split or slip during intercourse.

Using condoms will not offer you complete protection against a sexually-transmitted disease which is something to bear in mind if you are having sex with a partner you know is HIV positive. However, the failure rate is low and condoms offer the safest way of having sex with someone who may have HIV or another sexually-transmitted infection.

There are a number of ways you can make sure the sex you’re enjoying is as safe as it can be.

1. Check your condom is in date – All condoms have an expiry date so if you’ve had one hanging around in your wallet or bedside drawer for a while, make sure it isn’t past its use-by date before you use it.

2. Look for the European CE mark - All condoms sold by Funky Condom go through a strict set of tests to ensure they meet safety standards and are suitable for use. There are a number of symbols which indicate whether a condom meets a high benchmark for safety including the European CE mark and the British Kitemark.

3. Never re-use a condom – Don’t be tempted to use a condom again even if you didn’t ejaculate into it. Always use a new condom every time you have sex and put it on before you have any sexual contact.

4. Make sure your lubricant is water-based – Oil-based lubricants can actually increase the risk of your condom breaking so only ever use a water-based lube.

5. Withdraw as soon as you climax – Once you’ve come, it’s time to leave. Withdraw from your partner straight after you orgasm and hold your condom so it doesn’t slip off. Dispose of your used condom carefully after use.

How to use lube

Lube isn’t just for people who are a bit dry down below.

Using lubricant can add a new dimension to your sex life and heighten pleasure both for you and your partner. Lube makes sex more comfortable with smoother and easier penetration and heightened sensation.

As well as adding it your condom, you can use your lubricant to give your partner a sensual massage and get both of you in the mood for more.

Here’s the Funky Condom guide on how to use lube:

1. Choose the right lube for you

When it comes to lube, you’re spoilt for choice. There are lubes which warm, lubes which cool and ones which will make you tingle in all the right places. You can also buy flavoured lubricants as well as natural products which will soothe sensitive skin. To find the one you love the most, you might need to experiment and try some out. Water-based lubes are usually the best to choose as they are safe to use with condoms.

2. Keep it handy

Store your lube somewhere handy where you can get to it quickly when your passion is running high. If you’re likely to be making love in the bedroom then your bedside drawer is probably ideal. The last thing you want is for the mood to be lost while one of you goes off to hunt for lubricant.

3. Warm it in your hand

Put a coin-sized dollop on the palm of your hand and then rub your hands together to warm the lube up. You may want to apply it to the penis first before adding a drop into the condom and then spreading more lubricant onto the condom itself.

4. Try other pleasure spots

Don’t be afraid to use lube on other parts of the body. Smoothing lube into each other’s erogenous zones is great foreplay and can make sex even more pleasurable and exciting.

5. Add more if you need to

If you’re enjoying a marathon sex session, you might need to add some more lube as you go. Just stop for a moment, pull out and add a little more lube before going back to business. Just make sure you don’t apply too much as you want sex to be slippery and sensual rather than sloppy.

How condoms are made

When you use condoms, you are trusting them with your sexual health but how are they made?

The exact process will vary depending on the manufacturer but all the condoms sold by Funky Condom follow a strict set of procedures to ensure they meet international safety standards.

The following steps are used by Durex to make its latex condoms but other firms may follow a similar process:

1. Chemicals are added to the latex to make it strong and durable. It is then heated to reduce the risk of causing an allergic reaction and to increase its reliability. The latex is then tested.

2. The latex is moved into large storage tanks which are temperature controlled.

3. A line of clean glass formers are then dipped into the tanks so they become coated with a thin layer of latex. They are then dipped a second time before going through a hot oven so it hardens and sets.

4. The condoms are then removed from the glass formers and washed before pharmacologically-safe powders are added.

5. Durex then store their latex condoms for two days to allow the material to mature.

6. The condoms are put through an electronic testing machine which checks each item thoroughly for any flaws, imperfections or holes.

7. The condoms are then put into a machine which carefully inserts them into the correct foil packaging.

8. If the condom is flavoured or lubricated, the lube or flavouring is injected into the packaging at this stage of the manufacturing process.

9. The foil packaging is sealed using heat and marked with an individual batch number and expiry date.

10. The individual condoms are then put into boxes, ready to be sold.

Durex also carries out a number of tests to make sure its products meet safety standards. As well as electronic testing which is carried out on every single condom it produces, more than two million condoms each month are filled with water and suspended for a minute to check there are no leaks. A sample is taken from each batch to identify any potential problems and if any of the condoms fail a test, they are all thrown away.

A sample of condoms is also inflated with air to check their strength and elasticity. Each month this test is carried out on around 500,000 condoms every month.

What condom size am I?

What condom size am I?
It’s easy to be fooled into thinking that condoms are a one-size-fits-all kind of product.

But there’s no need to suffer wearing a condom which is tight or uncomfortable. And wearing a condom which is too loose increases the risk that it may slip off during sex.

Luckily, condoms come in different sizes and styles to suit your shape. While regular condoms are likely to fit most men, you may want to try another kind on for size.

When it comes to finding out your condom size, girth matters more than length. Measure the circumference of your penis using a tape measure.

Remember to measure your penis while it is erect as that is the size it will be during sex. Loop the tape measure around your penis at its thickest point before taking note of the measurement.

As a general rule, if the circumference of your penis is less than 119mm (4.7 inches), you may find you prefer the feel of a closer-fitting condom like Lifestyles Snugger Fit or EXS Snug Fit. Regular-sized condoms are perfect for those with a circumference between 119 and 130mm (4.7-5.1 inches).

And if your girth has measured more than 130mm (5.1 inches), a larger condom may well suit you best. Funky Condom stocks a number of larger condoms including Durex XXL and Trojan Magnum.

You might think that wearing the right size condom doesn’t really matter. But research shows that picking a condom which is too big or small can cause it to slip off or split.

Men are more likely to pick a condom which is too large for them because they are embarrassed about looking for a smaller-fitting condom while they are out shopping. By buying condoms online from Funky Condom, you can spare your blushes and spend time browsing the site for a product which is right for you.

What is a condom?

What is a condom?

Condoms are a form of barrier contraception which prevent unwanted pregnancy and the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases.

While there are many different condoms available, the basic principle is the same. Male condoms are worn on the penis and stop semen from coming into contact with your sexual partner.

There are also female condoms, which are pouches worn inside the vagina and inserted before sex. Like male condoms, they stop sperm and semen from entering the vagina and can also be used during anal sex.

Most condoms are made using latex, although there are alternatives available for those who suffer from a latex allergy. Funky Condom sells a range of non-latex condoms, including those made from polyurethane which is strong, durable and effective at transferring heat giving a sexual experience which feels authentic.

Condoms are the only form of contraception which offers protection against sexually-transmitted diseases like HIV, chlamydia and gonorrhoea as well as unwanted pregnancy. They are 98% effective against pregnancy if used properly.

It may take a while for you to find the perfect condom for you but you can have lots of fun while you try some out.

As well as regular condoms there are a number of other styles including:

• Textured condoms – Ribbed or dotted, textured condoms are designed to heighten pleasure for your partner and stimulate their erogenous zones during intercourse

• Utra-thin condoms – These condoms are thinner than usual, allowing the wearer to feel more during sex so it is a more natural experience

• Flavoured condoms –
Often used during oral sex, these condoms are also safe for vaginal and anal intercourse. They come in a wide variety of flavours so you can choose one that satisfies your appetite.

• Coloured condoms – Put some colour into your sex life with condoms in a wide variety of shades. From sleek and stylish black to novelty glow-in-the-dark condoms, the choice is yours.

• Irregular sizes – If you’re bigger or smaller than average, you can find a condom which fits you like a glove. From snug fit condoms to XXL sizes, Funky Condom will stock a condom to suit you.

• Extra safe condoms - Slightly thicker than standard condoms, these come with extra lubricant and are designed for people who are particularly concerned with their sexual safety.

• Climax delay condoms – Some condoms come with a special lubricant inside the sheath which temporarily dulls sensation and delays ejaculation. Designed to extend lovemaking, these are ideal for people who want to last a little bit longer between the sheets.

How effective are condoms?

When you use a condom, you want to know that it is safe and effective.

The good news is that statistics show that they are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. This means there is still a small chance you could become pregnant when using condoms but the odds are massively stacked in your favour.

To put this into context, no method of contraception is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy except for swearing off sex altogether. And condoms are the only way you can protect yourself from sexually-transmitted infections so are essential if you are sleeping with more than one person or have a new sexual partner.

If you’re just looking to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, there are a number of other choices available but some are less effective than condoms while others can cause unpleasant side effects.

They include:

Contraceptive cap – a silicone cap which women can insert into their vagina to stop sperm reaching their cervix – 92-96% effective

• Diaphagm – This works in a similar way to the cap but needs to be used with a spermicide – 92-96% effective

• The pill – This is an oral contraception which is taken by the woman to stop her ovaries releasing eggs each month. Some people may suffer side effects including mood swings and headaches – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive implant – This is an implant which is inserted into a woman’s arm and uses the hormone progestogen to stop the release of eggs. It lasts three years but it can cause a loss of sex drive, headaches, nausea or acne for the first few months – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive injection – There are three types of injection which can stop a woman getting pregnant for eight, 12 or 13 weeks, depending on which type you have. It can cause weight gain, headaches and mood swings in some people – more than 99% effective

• IUD/coil – The coil is inserted into a woman’s womb and stops sperm and eggs surviving so a fertilised egg will not implant. They last between five to 10 years but there is a risk of infection and the woman’s body can expel the coil - more than 99% effective

These other forms of contraception all rely on the woman taking steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy while condoms can be carried by either partner to ensure they are protected during sex.

What is lube?

Lube is short for lubricant, which is often used to make sex more comfortable and enjoyable.
Many of the condoms sold by Funky Condom are already lubricated but you might choose to add some additional lubricant to heighten pleasure. Lube is smooth and slippery and reduces friction so it is ideal for people suffering from vaginal dryness.
However, lubricant is also a good idea even if you or your partner don’t experience any dryness. It heightens sensation and makes penetration easier so it reduces the risk of becoming sore even after a long and rigorous session between the sheets.
There are several types of lube available on the market – water, oil, silicone and petroleum. Water-based lubricants are safe to use with all types of condom so are usually the safest choice.
If you use latex condoms, stay away from oil and petroleum-based lubricants as they can cause the material to deteriorate and may make your contraception less effective. Water-based lubes are also easier to wash off than silicone-based lubricants and it won’t stain your clothes or bedding.
If you or your partner are prone to suffering from thrush, try to choose a lubricant which is made without glycerin as the sugar in glycerin can make yeast infections worse.
You can apply lubricant directly to the penis and also the condom. If you’re having sex without a condom, lubricant is a great way of ensuring a smooth and enjoyable experience.
When you’re using condoms, you can add a drop of lube to the inside to enhance pleasure and also apply it to the outside to reduce friction. If you start to feel dry during sex, you can reapply lubricant as many times as you want but try not to put too much on as if things are too slippery between the sheets it could stop you climaxing.
Funky Condom sells some condoms which are designed to delay ejaculation. These contain a special climax-control lubricant which temporarily numbs the penis allowing sex to last longer.

Do condoms work?

Yes, condoms work and are the only way you can protect yourself from both sexually-transmitted infections and an unplanned pregnancy.

If a condom is used properly, it will be effective 98% of the time and even when mistakes are made or the condom has split, it will still prevent pregnancy on 82% of occasions. To make sure your condom works as it should, make sure you put in correctly.

Check your condom is not inside out – it should look like a small pointy hat with the peak pointing away from your penis. The rim should be on the outside and the condom should roll down easily on an erect penis.

If you are struggling to unroll it, it may be inside out. In this case, the safest thing to do is to throw it out and use another one.

Condoms are an effective method of birth control but they also prevent the spread of a number of diseases including HIV, chlamydia and gonorrhoea. If you have sex with a partner who has herpes or genital warts, it is still possible to catch the infection if you come into contact with areas of infected skin.

Using condoms also helps prevent the spread of the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is extremely common in the UK and those with it often don’t suffer from any symptoms. HPV can increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical cancer.

Make sure you buy condoms which have been safety tested and purchase them from a reliable retailer like Funky Condom. Once you have your condoms, store them in a cool, dark place.

Storing them in direct sunlight or in a warm, humid environment could cause damage and make your condom less effective. If your condom seems dry, stiff or unusually sticky, then throw it away and use another one.

Are condoms safe?

Condoms are the only contraception which offer protection against the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs).

Although using condoms is the safest way to have sex, no method of contraception is completely effective, apart from celibacy. As abstinence is not most people’s cup of tea, condoms offer a convenient and simple way of protecting your sexual health and preventing pregnancy.

When used correctly, condoms are 98% effective. There is a small chance your condom could slip off or break during intercourse. If this happens, it may be a good idea to visit a sexual health clinic or your GP for emergency contraception to prevent an unplanned pregnancy or to be tested for a sexually-transmitted infection.

At Funky Condom, we want our customers to enjoy sex without worrying about pregnancy or disease. Here are our top tips on making sure your condom is safe:

• Check the expiry date – condoms become less effective once they are past their use-by date so make sure yours have not expired before you use them.

• Store them properly – Keep your condoms in a cool dry place as keeping them in hot, humid conditions can dry them out and increase the risk of them splitting during intercourse.

• Do not open condom wrappers with scissors or your teeth – Take care when you open a condom wrapper so you do not tear it.

• Don’t use oil-based products with latex condoms – Using oil-based lubricants or products like moisturisers or Vaseline can make latex condoms less safe. If you really want to use these products, choose a polyurethane condom instead.

• Use a water-based lubricant – Using a water-based lubricant can reduce the risk of a condom splitting.

• Never try to use a condom more than once – Once a condom has been used, wrap it up and throw it away. It is not safe to use a condom again.

• Do not use spermicidal lubricant – Spermicides are chemicals which kill sperm and used to be a popular lubricant added to condoms. While it is still available, research has now found that spermicide is not effective at preventing sexually-transmitted infections and could actually increase the risk of catching a disease.

What should I do if I have used an expired condom?

If you discover you have used an expired condom after intercourse, don’t panic. Although condoms do expire, they don’t stop working as soon as they are past their use-by date.

Using an expired condom will still have given you more protection than using no condom at all. Check whether the condom has split and if it has remained intact, simply check the expiry date of any remaining condoms and replace any which are out of date.

If your condom has split and you are worried about an unwanted pregnancy, you can use emergency contraception. The morning-after pill can be bought from most pharmacies and is also available for free from your GP or sexual health clinic.

There are two types of emergency contraceptive pill – Levonelle, which must be taken within 72 of unprotected sex and ellaOne, which should be taken within 120 hours of intercourse. Women can also have an intrauterine device (IUD) inserted into their uterus within five days of sex to prevent pregnancy.

If you are concerned about your sexual health, consult your doctor or visit a specialist clinic.

Do condoms expire?

All condoms have an expiry date and it’s important to check whether yours is still in date before you use it.
But don’t worry if you’ve just bought a pack, most condoms will last for a long time before they expire. However, if you haven’t been sexually active for a while or you have found a packet of condoms you’d forgotten about, it is worth checking they are not past their shelf life.
Most condoms will expire between two to five years from the date of purchase. Almost all condoms will have their expiry date printed in their individual foil wrappers as well as the box they came in. Once they have passed their expiry date, they will start to weaken and may become less flexible. This will increase the risk of the condom splitting during intercourse which could lead to an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually-transmitted infection.
It is also important to make sure your condom is stored properly. Keep your condoms in a cool, dark place to ensure it remains effective – a bedroom drawer is ideal and a better choice than a bathroom cabinet where your condoms may be exposed to warm, humid conditions.
Even if your condom has not expired, do not use it if it feels stiff or dry. This can happen when a condom is not stored properly and will reduce its effectiveness.

That's Magic

About 6 years ago, I dated a magician…yes an actual magician. He was a nice enough chap; polite, considerate and generous (magicians earn a lot more than I thought they would. The guy was incredible with a set of cards; while he was driving down a busy motorway he could get you to select a card, put it back in the pack, through the entire deck at the sunroof and your card would be stuck on the outside of the sunroof…now that’s magic. But when in came to using his magic want (so to speak) he couldn’t conjure up anything special so eventually I created the greatest magic of all when I made him disappear (by that I don’t mean I killed him, I just dumped him).

Now Hitachi, they certainly so know what to do with a magic wand; their world famous and award winning Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the world number 1 vibrator with many women across the globe having one lovingly stashed under the bed. It delivers strong, throbbing and reliable vibrations to the clitoris. The flexible head and its long arm can be positioned easily between partners or used comfortably alone. Snap on the Gee Whiz for internal vibrations and to tickle your G-spot, or use it on your clitoris for more focused stimulation.

For over 30 years the Hitatchi Magic Wand Massager has been at the forefront of mains powered massagers, even featuring in Sex and the City (where else?). And believe it or not it can actually be also used as an actual massager; the unit measures 12.5 inches, providing a good handle with which to massage over the shoulders and against the back. Hitachi Magic Wand has a shape that makes it perfect for professionals to deliver therapeutic massage without fatigue or to individuals wishing to provide gentle massage within the home.

Now that’s magic.

Don't Push It

Consider the following:

After some passionate kissing on the sofa, things have migrated to the bedroom. You sensually remove each others clothes and take things to the bed. The kissing resumes, things start to get all hot and heavy and you know you’re in for a good night. Then all of a sudden you feel two hands on the top of your head and you think maybe they are going to run their fingers through your hair just how you like it.

But no, instead you feel an aggressive force pushing your head downwards and before you know it your in a bizarre wrestling match with them pushing your head desperately towards their nether regions while you’re are manically trying to wriggle your way back up their naked chest. Your cheek repeatedly slaps against chest which continues for a few awkward moment before you scream “What the f**k are you doing?”

Has this ever happened to you? Isn’t it annoying? It’s the guy or girl who after a few minutes of kissing is trying to get you to put your lips somewhere else. If you want to receive oral sex there is a better way to go about it than straining all the muscles in your partner’s neck. For starters keep things clean, neat and tidy down there and it will be a lot more inviting. Then don’t be afraid to ask for it, letting your partner know how much they turn you on, but make sure you get the object of your desire all warmed up first, if you know what I mean.

To make the oral experience a whole lot more pleasant for both of you, try using some Head Job Oral Sex Lotion; the wonderful flavour and silky texture will mean oral sex has never been sweeter.

Comes Furnished

According to an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, there is a new emerging trend in the sex-toy market. The new market hot-property is sex furniture; now by this I don’t mean a chair made entirely out of dildos, inflatable boobs with vibrating vagina armrests. That’s just plain weird!

So many of you many of you may be thinking that you don’t need such furniture; you have been having sex (mostly successfully) for years and without the need for any furniture (apart from a bed and that public toilet one drunken night many moons ago). Well sex furniture is a broad term that covers an entire range of things including such things as sex swings, inflatable chairs with bondage straps and portable exotic danger poles.

So if you feel like trying out something new here is just a selection of Funky Condom’s finest Sex Furniture.

Hot Pink Dance Pole Kit: A great portable dance pole you can pop up anywhere you feel like (well maybe not anywhere; I wouldn’t recommend putting it up in the bus station) and give your lover an eye popping treat as you spin and dance around it.

Cupids Couch Purple: This inflatable passion couch will totally transform your love life; manufactured from top quality cross woven PVC, it is ergonomically designed to enhance shared passion experiences. The couch consists of two air chambers for maximum support and the upper chamber can be quickly deflated allowing the partially deflated couch to be easily stored under your bed.

Super Sex Sling: This top quality swing allows you to get into the positions and places you’ve never been before. It offers extreme comfort and the ability for better penetration and G-Spot stimulation. Product DVD and instructional booklet included.

Easter Treat

“Oh fantastic, another chocolate egg”

If you didn’t detect sarcasm in that statement, let me reassure you it is in fact there…by the bucket load. The long weekend is great, but the boring chocolate eggs that a forced down our throats from the 1st of January until it is finally over defies belief. Every year you know what to expect, and while you enjoy the chocolate egg while you are stuffing it down your throat, it certainly isn’t something that is memorable, moments after you have wiped the chocolate mess from around your mouth.

However, there is still time to make it up to your beloved. Quickly get yourself the Chocolate CloneAWilly kit and make your other half an exact, solid chocolate mould of your penis. Perhaps it would be best to mould your penis when you are ‘standing to attention’, it will make the whole thing more aesthetically pleasing and there will be a lot more chocolate.

The benefits are there for you too; if you think your partner could improve her performance by increasing her ‘oral exams’, so to speak, get them to do some ‘revision’ on the chocolate replica. Just be prepared for it’s gonna be so delicious, they may be tempted to bite…you certainly don’t want to encourage a precedent for that now do you?

Sex that is Safe…For the Planet

To commemorate the up and coming Earth day on the 22nd of April, I have a few little tips for you earth-lovers out there to have some eco-sex. Don’t worry this doesn’t include throwing away the razor (women), never bathing and wearing underwear made entirely out of itchy and scratchy, hemp. Being an eco-lover means being aware of the environment in all your sexual endeavours and have eco-friendly sex.

When playing with your ‘Special Toys’ like the Jessica Rabbit Bingo Vibrator, make sure you use rechargeable batteries where possible. Make sure you read the labels and do your homework, to find the best sexual aids for you; not all you choices have to be perfect for the environment, but like Tesco says…Every Little Helps.

Every once in a while, swap your Intimate Organics Massage Oil, for a homemade variety that you and your partner have made together. If you make a complete hash of it the first time, at least you still have your old faithful bottle. You can even make your massage oils last longer by adding a little olive oil; good enough to eat.

Not only is oxygen great if you want to start a massive fire (just kidding), it is also damn useful when it comes to sexual arousal. According to sex therapists, the better you breathe, the better your sex life, so consider putting an air purifier in your bedroom. Many poor sods suffer from allergies which really impairs their libido and interest in sex. A good air purifier will remove dust and other allergens and increase air-flow for some mind-blowing sex for both you and the planet.


Everyone must remember the infamous Janet Jackson ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at Superbowl 38 in 2004. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake were performing a medley of Jackson’s songs before bursting into a rendition of Timberlake’s ‘Rock Your Body’ where things went ‘tits-up’. During the last moments of the song, Justin ripped at Janet’s bondage style bodice and ‘accidentally’ exposed her boob and her jewellery adored nipple to billions of viewers, worldwide.

The incident became known globally as Nipplegate after over half a million complaints from prudish Americans and huge reactionary fines. It still baffles me what all the fuss was about; intentional or not, it’s just a bloody nipple. If Janet had reached across and ripped at Justin’s clothes and revealed his decorated nipple would anyone be bothered?

I could understand the complaints if perhaps one of Justin’s testicles had popped out or Janet flashed ‘Basic Instinct’ style; although personally I would find it quite comical. Anyway back to the nipple; it was quite obviously an intentional incident that back fired disastrously but fuelled some of the greatest comedy moments of that year. If you need an example just check out the season 8 premiere of South Park.

If you feel like re-creating Nipplegate in the comfort of your own home then I have just what you need. Remember Nipplegate is all about the nipple, you gotta make it look all fancy-like. If you want to go sweet and girly for your nipple reveal try Mimi Nipple Jewellery; fabulous self adhesive shiny nipple covers that add a sensual sparkle to your nipple and available in beautiful black, sparkling silver or gorgeous gold. Or if you want to go tough and edgy like Janet try the Web Nipple Shield; made out of sterling silver and quite similar to the design that sat proudly around Janet’s Nipple. Touch Down!!

Finally Miley

Well it finally happened; Miley Cyrus has turned 18 and what better way to celebrate her arrival into womanhood by releasing a blow-up sex doll in her likeness. I wish someone had done that for me on my 18th birthday; all I got was a huge bottle of champagne and a big fat cheque…how robbed was I? The weird thing is Miley doesn’t seem too grateful or the huge compliment that has been paid to her.

Saucy doll makers, Pipedream (check out the cleverly hidden innuendo), have created the blow-up doll and named he ‘Finally Miley’ and within 48 hours of being on the market, the doll had sold out. Whiney Miley is said disgusted that her likeness is being used in such a manner. There are rumours circulating that a lawsuit over this could be imminent, although as yet no cease and desist letter has been received from her attorneys. It’s not the first time that Pipedream Products have been on the wrong end of some legal action. Last year, Lady Gaga began legal action against Pipedream over a blow-up doll sold in her likeness.

If you couldn’t get in there quick enough to get one of the Miley blow up dolls, here at Funky Condom we have many Female Love Dolls, from the fun to sophisticated. So give Billy Ray a break, thinking about all those men on his blow up daughter will blow up his achy breaky heart and kill that man, woo-ooo hoo!

Bad Kama

Thinking about spicing up the love live with some leg-twisting, back-breaking, ‘is that his leg or hers’, positions from the Kama Sutra? Good idea, but before you do read this cautionary tale of a Russian couple who decided to experiment with the Indrani or ‘deck chair position’ and met a sticky end (there is a pun in there, which will become clear soon enough)

Valentina Sokolov, aged 51 at the time, had been given a copy of the Kama Sutra for her 50th birthday. She and husband Ivan, then aged 56, decided to get kinky and give the deck chair a go. Not one of the simplest positions, it involves the Valentina bringing up her knees so her feet are trapped under her partners armpits…little did they know that soon Ivan was the one to be trapped.

Things couple were having the time of their lives, especially Valentine, who was brought to climax. Unfortunately her orgasm triggered a muscle spasm that trapped Ivan inside her. The panicked couple tried for two hours to separate themselves from one another, unsuccessfully, forcing a particularly embarrassing call to the emergency services.

Unsurprisingly the paramedic sent to help the couple found their predicament rather amusing.

"We couldn't help laughing looking at them. The two lovers, who were not young at all, were in such a complicated position!"

The frisky couple was taken to the hospital where they somehow they were separated. Ivan was so mortified he made a break from it as soon as he was free from his wife’s clutches. Valentina, left to fend for herself, required surgery and thankfully made a full recovery. So the moral of the story is, if you want to experiment with the Kama Sutra, maybe don’t run before you can walk. Try some of the fantastic Kama Sutra products a go; gorgeous love essentials like love liquid, a bedside box, honey dust, and more pleasurable things to help you on your way to great sexual relaxation and experimentation.

Divine Intervention

Police in Ohio, arrested Ukrainian Byzantine Catholic Priest, Father Ignatius Kury, earlier this week on suspected drink driving charges. Clearly feeling he would not fare up to well in prison tried to gain his freedom by offering the police oral sex. You have to admit, his logic is flawless isn’t it? It’s certainly not some form of a sex crime and bribery mixed together. Once the Priest (another proud moment for the Catholic Church) as in custody he preceded to expose himself and of course police started filming a video that has now went viral.

In the video Father Kury swore, sang, offered the officers sexual favours, ranted about Sarah Palin (who hasn’t) and Libya, and claimed that Oprah Winfrey was going to bring her “fat ass” down to the station to help him out. My favourite moment of the video, bound to be an iconic Twitter status for many weeks to come, was when the Priest cam out with this little gem.
“I’ll give you the sermon on the mount. You’re sermon on the mount is this, get these [BLEEP] bars off me because I’m getting a rash.”

You might be wondering how I’m possibly going to link this bizarre, funny and somewhat unsettling story into the buyers guide category of this blog. Well I am, and quite seamlessly to. The Priest in our tale clearly didn’t know the right time to ask for oral sex; you don’t just meet someone then a few moments later drunkenly offer to take their manhood into your mouth. This sort of person is surely not someone who gains instant respect and clearly has a thing or two to learn about the male anatomy. Warm them up a little bit first if you know what I mean. Try Oral Sex the Game to tease your partner and get him or her ready for some oral fun.

Celebrity Sex: Part 2

Yesterday, I told you all about the wonderful (not really) world of celebrity sex tapes, so today I thought I would let you into some of the secrets of how to make a celebrity-style sex tape of your very own.

• Firstly is the camera on? You are not going to get very far on your quest for exposure if you forget to turn the camera on, are you? Marina Hyde explains it best in her hilarious book Celebrity, when she says:
“You would be surprised how many celebrities have failed to land themselves a reality show gig by simply forgetting to invade their own privacy”

• Don’t forget the commentary, the more embarrassing the commentary is, the greater the notoriety of your sex tape. We have all heard the standard “Oh Yeah” and “just like that”. Get creative; if you want to get a decent acting job you have to be able to show your ‘range’ (so to speak) in all situations. If you are having a bit of a struggle to get creative, just say something completely out there, disgusting or weird, it doesn’t matter. It sure to bring you to the attention of reality shows executives just dying to exploit your borderline personality disorder.

• You must film your sex tape in the most unflattering light you can find. Only have so subtle amber-glow lamps and a few candles, well forget it. Get down to the nearest B&Q and get some fluorescent track lighting; if they buzz annoyingly that’s all the better. Make sure you look as awful as possible; remember the goal here isn’t to turn people on; it is to get yourself noticed. There are lots of good examples of sex tapes and pornography out there, you can’t compete with those. You can only look stupid and hope it gets you noticed.

So they are my top tips for making a celebrity-style sex tape. If you are not an attention-starved desperado and you just would like to enjoy spicing up your sex life with your partner give the Lovers Guide: Secrets of Sensational Sex a little watch. Expand your sexual repertoire and enjoy an endless varied and adventurous love life. Fun, confident and inventive sex leads to a happy and fulfilled love life for you and your partner.

Back to Reality

I think it safe to say, that all of us have seen a little bit of pornography during our life; whether it be during your tender teenage years, laughing at some pretty disgusting stuff at your friend’s house, or exploring the wonders of the internet with a partner. It sure isn’t anything to be ashamed of; in fact it is something that can add a little bit of extra spice and all things nice to a relationship. However, we often mistake porn sex for real sex and God knows it isn’t.

A porn actor, is a porn actor because they aren’t you usual gravy; they usually have a wee bit extra than us mere mortals, if you get my meaning. Most women would make a hasty retreat if they were confronted with a ‘tool’ of that magnitude and most men wouldn’t know what to do when faced with ‘airbags’ bigger than watermelons. More than a handful (either in ‘tools’ or ‘airbags’) and we are fumbling around throwing them from hand to hand, wondering what the hell to do. Additionally, in the classic porno movie, they work their way through the entire karma sutra and then some in the time it takes a kettle to boil. It’s not about the volume of positions it is about the positions you actually enjoy; too much stop and start throwing your partner around is never going to result in satisfying sex. It is more likely to result in a severe back injury.

Think too much about what you see in porn and feelings of inadequacy at your sexual performance or ability to satisfy your partner. Quite frankly it’s nonsense, but in a society where a man can’t get through the day without receiving half a dozen emails about penis enlargement and a woman can’t get through the day without hearing some explicit sexual tall tales in the office, it’s not unusual to feel self conscious in the bedroom. So women boost your confidence with some Organics Vaginal Tightening Gel; it contains a blend of organic extracts and natural capsicum in a water, sunflower and almond oil base causing a temporary contraction of the vaginal tissue and for an added bonus it comes with a ‘how to’ guide. And men get a spring back into your step with VigRx Plus Virility Supplement; it is a breakthrough supplement that helps to increase the length and girth to really make you proud of what you got. Keep it real and remember it is your sexual experiences that count not the false (and bored) moaning and groaning of some actors (possibly dead inside) that are getting paid to have sex.

Prisoner Perks

I can hear it now, the sound of thousands of pens and pencils scratching out angry letter addressed ‘To Whom it May Concern’. What has caused this angry stabbing at nearby stationary by the high-horsers and closed-minded fuddy-duddies of our nation? It’s the news that inmates of UK prisons that want to change sex are to be allowed to buy ‘gender appropriate’ clothing and the like, such as padded bras and even make-up, from a home shopping catalogue. The new rules apply to both women and men prisoners…take that sexism.

The mandatory guidelines state that:
"An establishment must permit prisoners who consider themselves transsexual and wish to begin gender reassignment to live permanently in their acquired gender."

Presumably bemused prison officers have been informed that transsexuals can use various items, such as ‘sophisticated prostheses’ and padded bras and access to these items can only be restricted if the transsexual presents a security risk…death by chicken fillet? If prisoners have funds available, they can purchase gender-appropriate clothing and stubble-covering make-up from the Argos Additions clothing catalogue (not sure why the particular catalogue is important).

Any non-prisoners who need help in the boob and gentleman sausage department, whether for a sex-change or just for confidence reasons, why don’t you come on down to Funkycondom. We have the fantastic Mini Mammary Massagers to build cup size; it’s great for combining with other body improvement and can boost the breasts by 2 cup sizes. They provide a pleasurable and beneficial massage that stimulates breast muscles and blood circulation which will have a noticeable firming and enlarging effect on the lady lumps. For those who aren’t satisfied with their sausage, try one of the many Penis Enlargers we have available…you won’t be able to wait until Speedo season.

Oh The Horror!!

You are out enjoying a quiet drink with your other half or your friends, relaxing in each others company and having a catch up, when all of a sudden it happens. There is a pounding boom in your ears and ripples reverberate through the liquid of your drink. You hear screaming and it’s already too late; scanning around for the nearest exit you realise its no use. You are trapped. The rhythmic pounding gets closer and the screaming gets louder; something big is coming. Panic sets in, sweat breaks out on your upper lip and the shakes break out over your entire body. Brace yourself…its Hen and Stag ‘do’ season; Oh the horror.

The Hen party will effortlessly emasculate every man in a hundred yard radius, by shouting derogatory comments about size and stature, only taking breaks to scream “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor at the top of their voices. They will throw their Dicky Drinking Straws in any fella’s drink and force him to drink right from the penis, making him uncomfortable and teary, while his testicles jump back up inside his body…possibly forever.

The Stag party will cause severe bouts of cringing, within women of all ages, possibly to be followed by nausea and vomiting. Almost fully naked men, press their hairy, sweaty bodies against any woman unfortunate enough to cross their paths. They thrust their Inflatable Cow at anyone that makes eye contact and continue to stimulate, extremely graphically, intercourse with the inflatable farm animal, while moaning and groaning quite convincingly. Therefore, every woman will want to superglue their legs together…possibly forever.

Yes its Stag and Hen season and there is probably nothing you can do to protect yourself. But if you’re one of the lucky ones who have been invited to join a Hen and Stag party, use it as a opportunity to get your own back for all the horrors you have witnessed. Load up with plenty of goodies from FunkyCondom to cause untold embarrassment to the general public…sweet revenge.

It's Coming Right At Me!

So the Lover’s Guide has been released in 3D…at the cinema!
I’m not sure how I feel about that; whatever it is that I feel, I don’t think that it’s good. The first thought that jumped into my head was: Aren’t cinema floors sticky enough? I don’t want to worry if the goo sticking my shoe to the floor is old Pepsi, or something entirely more unsavoury.

Innocent or not, you’re going to wonder, what that lone man is doing with his popcorn on his lap, his hand permanently in the tub and yet not eating a single kernel. Innocent or not, you’re going to wonder what the shifty fella in the corner is doing with an entire box of Kleenex, especially as throughout the movie you don’t hear a single sneeze.

And I haven’t even started on the 3D element yet; the male genitalia coming towards you can be quite an exiting prospect when done in the appropriate moment by an appropriate person, therefore, flashing a girl you fancy on the street is out of bounds boys. However, I’m pretty sure I don’t want a 20ft one coming right at me; it will be like something out of a horror movie: Tremors 13: Trouser-snake. It’s the kind of thing that could cause post-traumatic stress disorder, whenever being confronted by a penis in the future.

So I think we have safely established that the Lover Guide in 3D, and especially at the cinema, is not for me. If it’s not for you either but you want to know what the fuss is about snap up the Lovers Guide 7 DVD Boxset and learn all you need to know about sex in intimate relationships as it still remains the first and best adult guide.

One other thing I have learned is that I will never again wear an open-toed shoe of any kind to the cinema again.

Like a Candle!

So it was Valentine’s Day yesterday, how did everyone get on? Personally my opinion of Valentine’s Day is that it is commercialist bulls**t; and no that’s not because I’m a persistent spinster destined to become a cat lady, I actually have a boyfriend. It’s because it encourages such a lack of originality that it’s a wonder millions of relationships don’t become instantly stale on the 15th of February.

Take a previous Valentine’s Day experience of mine, obviously not with my current boyfriend because this moron was dumped soon after. This clown thought turning up at my door with a giant teddy bear with the words ‘I WUV YOU’ emblazoned across it’s fluffy chest and a giant card that could double up as a storm shelter, was actually a good idea. There is no way in hell he will be storming the castle tonight or any other night…drier than a desert if you know what I mean. I wonder if the 14th of February is the driest night of the year; it wouldn’t surprise me.

If my face didn’t say it my words certainly did, when I revealed the origins of his nickname.

“You mates don’t call you ‘The Candle’ because you’re hot like fire; they call you ‘The Candle’ because you are always getting blown out like one.”

He looked like he might cry and I didn’t care; it was his own fault for doing what every other man and every other woman does on Valentine’s day, going in the Clinton’s and buying the first thing they bump into. So if you believe in this commercial crap-fest I’m here to help you and to tell you that you have 364 shopping days left until the next Valentine’s Day. Start looking at the vast range of pleasure providers Funky Condom has; be it for the woman, the man or something for you both, you wont be disappointed.

Valentine's Surprise

Girls are you in one of those relationships that are so comfortable that you feel completely at ease in your partners company. Well shame on you! You heard me. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable with you man; and effortless relationship is a beautiful thing, but you sat on the sofa, no make up on and ratty jogging bottoms on, you are not. And what do you have on under that tea-stained tracksuit? Your favourite knickers and they are only your favourite because they are comfortable. Loose elastic, hole in the seam and a My Little Pony print on the crotch that has long since list its glitter…they are awful and the reason why your better half has been complaining of a lot of headaches after dark.

Lady you have become predictable. A little bit of spice is always nice and with Valentines Day coming up it’s the perfect time to surprise your other half. It’s the one day of the year when you can get as naughty as you want and not have to explain yourself or have to pretend you’re going to keep it up all year round, because that would be bloody exhausting.

The first thing that has to change is the underwear situation; by all means keep the monstrous My Little Pony’s but maybe just bust them out when you’re alone. The roxanna range of underwear is gorgeous; the Roxana String With Heart is my favourite. They are super sexy and with have your man grunting and drooling and dragging you caveman style to the bedroom or the nearest flat surface. It will make you wish that Valentine’s Day happened a lot more often. In fact why wait for Valentine’s Day; you don’t need an allocated day to spice things up, do it everyday!

Size Schmize

I HAVE SMALL BOOBS; and damn I’m proud of it. Yes, like many women I’m confronted with big breasts everywhere I look; for a while I couldn’t even look at a fried egg without getting a bit teary. 
Why are people obsessed with size these days? Size of the bank account, size of the house, size of the car, size of the DVD collection and size of the bottle of vodka you can drink. Size has become a bizarre kind of social status; the more you have the better you are and for people who don’t feel they have much it certainly causes feelings of inadequacy and inferiority but it shouldn’t. 
Thanks to the evil that is ‘Sex and the City’, I know shock horror a lady that doesn’t like watching four geriatric sluts having sex, has made a lot of men believe that if they don’t have a penis a horse would be jealous of then they are never going to satisfy a woman. And not only that, if they do have sex with a woman with their sorry manhood, the woman is going to bitch about all their inadequacies to all her female friends over an overpriced breakfast. 
But listen up men, its official, size doesn’t matter! Well it might matter to a certain large-chested celebrity, but she could probably make love to the end of a submarine. It would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway no matter the size. In fact a huge trouser snake is going to be more a hindrance because a big penis is very daunting to any woman (apart from the aforementioned mystery celebrity).

However, if you are shy about size, there are ways to boost more than just your confidence. Try a penis pump like the reasonable priced Mighty Man Trigger Pump. Like all products from Funkycondom it will be sent to you discreetly to save any blushes if it’s getting delivered to the workplace. But men you have no reason to feel embarrassed, everyone deserves to feel confident in the bedroom and in themselves. 
Now for the well endowed male, make it easier and more pleasurable for the lady and yourself and use a good quality lubricant. ID lube has a great range with varieties to increase pleasure and fruity flavoured ones to excite the senses. ID’s Glide lubricant has been voted best in a number of polls and so it should, it’s long lasting, non sticky, condom friendly and water based.

Size doesn’t matter, but confidence does.

This is going great, you think to yourself.

The object of your desire is in your bed, naked, willing and eager.

“Are you gonna put something on” she whispers sensually in your ear.

You reach into your draw where you keep your supply and that’s where it all starts to go wrong. The plastic seal on the box of condoms is impenetrable (and if you don’t hurry up she will be too), not helped by sweaty hands and frustration. After what certainly seems like eternity you violently rip into the box with your teeth and fire the little buggers everywhere. You scrabble around in the messed up covers and find one, tear off the wrapper and allow yourself a sigh of relief.

But it’s not over, all that time you have spent ‘dicking around’ has caused a lapse in concentration and your ‘little fella’ is starting to flop like overcooked asparagus. It’s not going to go on easy now and before you know it you’ve catapulted the condom into your own eye and it’s landed with a damp squib on your lady’s naked thigh and suddenly your soft and she has a headache or an early meeting, which basically translates to get the hell out of my house. But boys it doesn’t have to be this way.

You don’t have to use the same condoms you’ve been using since you were first aware of the pleasures of sex, branch out a little and make things easy on yourself. Why not try buying some Durex Maximum Love condoms they are easy to put on and sent to you loose so no more ten minutes of sweating and swearing getting into the box before the good stuff starts.

Or if you need things to be easier than that give Pasante Rider Condoms a go PASANTE RIDER CONDOMS with their unique EASY-OPEN round foil you can’t fail and even if you do the awesome designs and graphics might just win her (or him) over.

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