Condom Styles

Are condoms vegan?

If you’re vegan, you may not realise that the contraception you use might contain animal products.


Most condoms are latex and contain casein, a protein which is found in milk. Casein is added to help make the latex smooth during the manufacturing process.


There are even some condoms which are made using lamb’s intestines, although these aren’t as common as they used to be. In fact, these lambskin condoms are not recommended for protecting yourself against sexually-transmitted diseases as they are porous, although they are effective at preventing pregnancy.


But don’t despair, there are lots of vegan condoms on the market so you can practise safe sex without compromising on your principles. You may also want to avoid condoms which contain casein if you suffer from a milk allergy as it is possible you could experience a reaction.


One way of avoiding casein is to buy non-latex condoms which offer just as much protection from unplanned pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections.


Funky Condom sells LifeStyles SKYN condoms which are made from polyisoprene and are vegan. Other non-latex condoms like Durex RealFeel are also made without casein and so are a good choice if you are trying to avoid using contraception which contains animal products.


Condomi condoms used to be recognised as vegan by the Vegan Society. However, after some changes to the manufacturing process, there have been claims that they are no longer vegan but Condomi state all their products are free from animal derivatives.


It is not just non-latex condoms which are vegan-friendly. Some manufacturers make latex condoms without using casein or any other animal products.


One of these brands is Kimono, a Japanese condom manufacturer which uses no animal or milk proteins. Funky Condom sells five products from Kimono, including Kimono Thin Maxx Large, Kimono Thin and Kimono MicroThin Large.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

Herpes is a highly contagious viral infection which remains in your body and can cause painful blistering on your genitals.


Once you have caught herpes, the virus will remain inside your body and can flare up again in the future. In general, outbreaks of genital herpes are worst in the first two years of being infected, with flare-ups becoming less regular and severe as time goes on.


Condoms can provide some protection against herpes, although it is important to take further precautions. Never have sex with someone while they have visible symptoms of herpes, always wait until the outbreak has cleared up.

Eight out of 10 people with the herpes virus are not aware they have the infection. Even someone who is not suffering from any symptoms can pass on the herpes virus but using condoms will reduce this risk, although it will not give you complete protection.


One of the reasons why there is still a risk even while using condoms is because they only cover the penis. Herpes can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact so touching someone’s upper thighs, anus and genital area can also lead to the infection spreading.


In a nutshell, if you’re planning to have sex then the best way you can protect yourself against herpes is to use a condom. Studies suggest that using condoms reduce the chance of herpes spreading by half.

But be vigilant and do not have any sexual contact with someone if you can see blistering around their private parts or inner thighs. You can also catch herpes though oral sex, so use a flavoured condom if you are unsure of your partner’s sexual health and history.


If you know that you have herpes, be careful to avoid sexual contact if there are any sores, ulcers or blisters visible or if you can feel the itching or tingling sensation which usually occurs just before an outbreak.

How condoms work

Condoms work by trapping sperm and semen so it doesn’t come into contact with your sexual partner.


A popular form of barrier contraception, male condoms are worn during vaginal, anal and oral sex. Not only do they stop your sperm from entering your partner when you come but they also help you avoid coming into direct contact with their bodily fluids.


Condoms are designed to protect the user from sexually-transmitted infections including HIV, gonorrhoea and chlamydia. They are also an effective method at preventing pregnancy and have a 98% success rate.


Most condoms available on the market are male condoms and are worn on the penis. To put one on, wait until your penis is erect and then roll the condom down the shaft.


It is a good idea to lightly pinch the reservoir tip before putting it on to avoid air getting trapped. Withdraw from your partner as soon as you have climaxed and hold the condom so it doesn’t slip off while you are pulling out.


As your condom will contain sperm, it needs to be disposed of carefully. Some people choose to tie them in a knot and wrap them in tissue before throwing them away.


You can also buy female condoms which are inserted into the vagina before sex and also stop the exchange of bodily fluids.


Funky Condom sells a large selection of condoms to suit different tastes and purposes. Ribbed or dotted condoms are made with textured latex which stimulates your partner and increases the likelihood of them achieving an orgasm.


Some condoms numb and desensitise the penis to help the wearer delay orgasm and last for longer. Known as climax control condoms, they work by using a lubricant containing benzocaine which temporarily dulls sensation and can help prevent premature ejaculation.


Extra safe condoms are made from thicker, tougher material than standard condoms. They are the ideal choice for sex workers, people who are HIV positive and those who are very concerned about their sexual health.


You can also choose from a number of styles and sizes. These include snug-fit, large coloured and flavoured condoms as well as ultra-thin ones which allow the wearer to feel more sensation during sex.

Are condoms safe?

Condoms are the only contraception which offer protection against the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs).


Although using condoms is the safest way to have sex, no method of contraception is completely effective, apart from celibacy. As abstinence is not most people’s cup of tea, condoms offer a convenient and simple way of protecting your sexual health and preventing pregnancy.


When used correctly, condoms are 98% effective. There is a small chance your condom could slip off or break during intercourse. If this happens, it may be a good idea to visit a sexual health clinic or your GP for emergency contraception to prevent an unplanned pregnancy or to be tested for a sexually-transmitted infection.


At Funky Condom, we want our customers to enjoy sex without worrying about pregnancy or disease. Here are our top tips on making sure your condom is safe:


• Check the expiry date – condoms become less effective once they are past their use-by date so make sure yours have not expired before you use them.

• Store them properly – Keep your condoms in a cool dry place as keeping them in hot, humid conditions can dry them out and increase the risk of them splitting during intercourse.

• Do not open condom wrappers with scissors or your teeth – Take care when you open a condom wrapper so you do not tear it.

• Don’t use oil-based products with latex condoms – Using oil-based lubricants or products like moisturisers or Vaseline can make latex condoms less safe. If you really want to use these products, choose a polyurethane condom instead.

• Use a water-based lubricant – Using a water-based lubricant can reduce the risk of a condom splitting.

• Never try to use a condom more than once – Once a condom has been used, wrap it up and throw it away. It is not safe to use a condom again.

• Do not use spermicidal lubricant – Spermicides are chemicals which kill sperm and used to be a popular lubricant added to condoms. While it is still available, research has now found that spermicide is not effective at preventing sexually-transmitted infections and could actually increase the risk of catching a disease.

Do condoms expire?

All condoms have an expiry date and it’s important to check whether yours is still in date before you use it.
But don’t worry if you’ve just bought a pack, most condoms will last for a long time before they expire. However, if you haven’t been sexually active for a while or you have found a packet of condoms you’d forgotten about, it is worth checking they are not past their shelf life.
Most condoms will expire between two to five years from the date of purchase. Almost all condoms will have their expiry date printed in their individual foil wrappers as well as the box they came in. Once they have passed their expiry date, they will start to weaken and may become less flexible. This will increase the risk of the condom splitting during intercourse which could lead to an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually-transmitted infection.
It is also important to make sure your condom is stored properly. Keep your condoms in a cool, dark place to ensure it remains effective – a bedroom drawer is ideal and a better choice than a bathroom cabinet where your condoms may be exposed to warm, humid conditions.
Even if your condom has not expired, do not use it if it feels stiff or dry. This can happen when a condom is not stored properly and will reduce its effectiveness.

I Went to Ibiza and all I Got was this Lousy STD

The summer holiday season is just about over, but a new season could be just beginning…the season of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Yes, thousands of Britain’s will be swapping the departure lounge for GUM clinic waiting room after being tremendously irresponsible abroad.

A survey of 3,000 individuals, carried out by the Co-operative Pharmacy, found that 1 in 3 people had unprotected sex with a new partner, while they were away on holiday. You would be wrong to think that this daft behaviour was saved for just the young and inexperienced in ways of life – A hefty 1 in 6 people in their 50’s would have a holiday fling or one night stand. The middle-aged participants of the survey were also the least likely to use contraception with a new partner…Tut Tut.

Additionally, One in 10 of those questioned said they had had unprotected sex because they were drunk while a fifth said they had done so because they did not have any condoms to hand. One in eight of the women questioned said they felt too embarrassed to ask about contraception when they were with a new partner.

Sexual health agencies are urging holiday makers to pack condoms before they set off on holiday, as some condoms available abroad don’t always comply with the relevant European health, safety and environmental protection laws. All our condoms here at Funky Condoms are CE marked so make sure you stock up if you are heading away on a late holiday.

Why don’t you try out Pasante Tropical Flavoured Condoms to give you holiday something extra fruity - With a choice of creamy coconut, yummy mango and tasty pineapple you wont even need to leave your hotel room to get a taste of something exotic. Be safe when you travel abroad and be sure to seek medical advice if you do end up having unprotected sex for whatever reason.

Grievous Bodily Herpes

In a week full of convictions for the callous rioters that ripped through the streets of England last week, news was released of an altogether more bizarre and ground-breaking conviction. Traffic officer, David Golding was jailed for 14 months for passing on the sexually transmitted infection herpes to his girlfriend.

In the first ever case where an individual has been jailed for passing on herpes during the hearing in which the 29-year-old admitted causing grievous bodily harm by giving the infection to his then partner, Cara Lee, 23. Northampton Crown Court heard that Golding had kept his infection a secret during the couple’s relationship in 2009. After finding out she had been infected in March of 2010, Ms Lee moved out and reported Golding to the police.’.

Judge Michael Fowler told Golding: ‘Because it was in a relationship, it was particularly mean and one which amounted to a betrayal – a betrayal in a relationship in which you professed love…The injury you caused by this infection is at least or more serious than an injury leaving a scar because it carries continued recurrence, extreme discomfort and consequences for relationships she will have in the future.’

But sexual health experts and charities have called the decision to imprison him ‘outrageous’. Sexual health experts said herpes was not serious enough to amount to grievous bodily harm under the Offences Against The Person Act and will further stigmatise herpes.

Dr Colm O’Mahoney, sexual health consultant at the Countess of Chester Hospital said: ‘This is outrageous. Will children now be prosecuted for “giving” their friends chickenpox? Most people who have genital herpes don’t know it because, even if they do get recurrences, it is such a trivial genital infection that they don’t notice it.’

In Britain, about 6million people have genital herpes and up to 40million may have picked up herpes simplex (a cold sore) on the face. If you don’t want to end up like the unfortunate Mr Golding, be safe and use this week’s ‘Condom of the Week’ when having sex. This week I have chosen Durex Extra Sensitive Condoms, these condoms are feather-light to give you an intimate and natural experience.

Virgin on the Ridiculous

My first sexual experience was not a pleasant one. My boyfriend at the time was not a virgin and so gave little consideration that I was one. How can I say this the best way? Okay, it was like a child trying to fit his little square block into the tubs circular hole. After a five minutes of banging against the wrong opening and finding the others not that receptive either, they just take the lid off the tub and angrily rams his square in there.

Yes, my first time was awkward, embarrassing and a bit more painful than I would like and I think maybe it was because my impatient partner didn’t know how to have sex with virgin. This made me very unwilling to have sex with him again, so (here is where you get your violins out) he cheated on me and we broke up. I wasn’t particularly bothered because after my first time fiasco I swore I was never gonna bother having sex again. If that was what all the fuss was about then they could keep it. If I wanted to have 10 crap and unsatisfying minutes I could just watch Antiques Road Show.

Thankfully, I found the joys of sex once again, but it may not have been so difficult for me if my first time partner was more considerate having sex with a virgin. So for anyone out there who will be having sex with a virgin girl I have a few tips for you.

1.) DON’T FORCE IT: There is a reason your partner is a virgin, she is obviously waiting for the right person and even if it is an outdated view in today’s society, it is still her choice. Pressuring her into having sex will make her feel cornered and trapped. Prince Charming never forced himself up against Cinderella and asked her for a quickie in the palace coat room did he? So be patient.

2.) DON’T JUMP STRAIGHT IN: Don’t go putting your hand down her pants before your even anywhere near the bedroom as that is sure to put her on edge. Try and make her as relaxed as possible. A massage is a good idea, but remember there are more places to massage other than the arse and tits.

3.) TALK TO HER: Make sure you know what she is comfortable with before you proceed to full sex. It might be a bit much to expect entrance through the back door, but don’t expect her to want it only in missionary with the lights off. You wont know unless you ask.

4.) BE WILLING TO STOP: It might be looking like the deed is going to happen, but remember it’s a women’s prerogative to change her mind. She may find that she isn’t ready after all. Additionally, you may find that during the act she may need to stop or need a break. Even fully relaxed, the first time can be painful and uncomfortable and it may become overwhelming even a tad frightening so be sensitive to that.

5.) BE SAFE: It is going to be a total bummer if on her first time you give your girlfriend a sexual transmitted disease, and even worse if you go and get her pregnant. So don’t be silly and wrap up your willy, which leads us to ‘Condom of the Week’ time. This week I have chosen Durex Maximum Love Condoms – with extra lubrication they should be a good choice.


I know if may seem that I have left out how to have sex with a virgin male, so here it is…don’t expect it to last to long!

Rules of Engagement

We have all heard the saying ‘Two’s Company Three’s a Crowd’. For a lot of situations this is true, such as a tandem bike ride, camping in a two-man tent or having a go on a see-saw. But the ‘three’s a crowd’ rule doesn’t have to apply to the bedroom. Yes I’m talking about threesomes and as De La Soul said ‘three, that’s the magic number’.

However, there are some rules and distinct etiquette that should be followed when considering or engaging in a threesome. It really is not ok to present yourself naked with the willing third party on the sofa as you wait for you unaware partner coming back from her reccy for a pint of milk…you might find yourself wearing it. SO what rules should you follow when it comes to a three-way? Well that’s what I’m here for, to help you.

COMMUNICATE: I know it may seem pretty obvious, but you will be surprised at how little couples actually communicate. Don’t let embarrassment stop you saying something that you find yourself wishing you had revealed standing naked before the bed. Also make sure you discuss what is okay for your partner to do and what isn’t okay to do. Like a lady of the night often won’t engage in passionate kissing because it is too personal, you may not want your partner to do the same. Or maybe your partner does a special move just for you that always finishes you mortal combat style and you don’t want them using it on anyone else.

DON’T BE AN IDIOT: Whatever you do, make sure the majority of your time is spent on your current partner. You absolutely do not want to turn over and realise your other half has left the room completely and you might find your clothes on fire or that your body wash had received a hefty does of chilli powder. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and appreciate how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you think a dummy might be in danger of being epically spat out, don’t do it.

STAY ACTIVE: If you find yourself not being the main focus of attention for a few moments, don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs, maybe get out a game of sudoku…stay involved. Touch her, touch him or touch yourself…there is so many things right there for the grabbing it would be a real shame if just one of your hands were empty.

DON’T BE SELFISH: If you climax first, don’t just roll over and have a little nap, help to please the other participants. It might be slightly awkward if the other two are trying to keep things going but are getting interrupted by your snoring.

BE SAFE: The most important rule of them all especially with all those genitals and accompanying fluids flying around. Although it may be hard to remember you should use one hand to stimulate one partner and the other hand to stimulate the other partner. And you must, must, must use a separate condom, femidom or dental dam when having penetrative sex with the separate partners. So ‘Condom of the Week’ time and this week I have chosen Night Light Glow Condoms which are some spectacularly fun glow in the dark condoms.

Dark Age Education

I was shocked by the news that surfaced from Florida this morning. Apparently, 13 groups will receive a $150,000 grant form Florida’s Department of Health to promote and teach the state’s teen abstinence program. The program will ‘teach’ (more like preach I think) that abstinence is the only sure way to “avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems” and that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects”. Excuse my language when I say BOLLOCKS.

Abstinence programs are stuck very much in the dark ages as well as not being particularly effective. Tell a teenager not to do something, and what do you think the first thing they are going to do is? And take George (cuckoo-banana) Bush’s abstinence programs in Africa to reduce the spread of AIDS…well thanks to Bush AIDS levels have never been higher, yay for abstinence!!

It seems to me that these $150,000 grants would be much better served in offering teenagers realistic advice about safe sex instead of hinting that sex is something dirty (I mean it can be dirty, filthy even, but only in a good way). That money should be used to provide teenagers with the knowledge and even the means to have safe sex, if and when they choose to have sex. Get with the program Florida.

Of course it is important to have sex only when you are ready and of consenting age. So when you do choose to have sex make sure you’re doing it safely and use one of my many ‘Condom of the Week’ selections. This week I have chosen Beyond Seven Condoms Lubricated With Aloe ; sometimes sex, particularly first time sex, can cause discomfort, but these condoms have a generous coating of lube that contains natural aloe extract to soothe that discomfort.

The More You Know

Even after ten plus years as a sexually active heterosexual female, the male penis is still a bit of a mystery to me. As wonderful and necessary as they are, I have to admit I find them a tad weird, just stuck on there like they are. Still, even though (to me) I find a uncircumcised flaccid penis, looks a little bit like a nun in her habit, I still enjoy having them in the world (my boyfriends in particular…way to go buddy).

So I know very little about the human penis, apart from the fact it can be swung around in a rather hilarious manner like a helicopter blade, so I decided to educate myself. Thanks to the wonders of the internet and the wonderful people at the NHS, I found out 4 things about the penis that I think everyone (male, female or other) should know.

1.) THE PENIS IS NOT A MUSCLE: While we have all seen videos of men lifting paint cans with their manhood, but contrary to popular belief the penis is not actually a muscle. In fact it the ‘love muscle’ doesn’t contain any muscles at all, that’s why it is very difficult to move when erect. When a man gets a little bit excited blood flows to two cylinder chambers that causes the penis to swell and stiffen.

2.) PENIS LENGTH IS NOT RELATED TO FOOT SIZE: See a man with size 16 feet and you probably think no wonder he is walking with a limp. Well that limp is probably just the result of a poor muscle; according to a study published in the British Journal of Urology International there was no link between shoe size and penis length, in all age groups.

3.) THE PENIS IS BREAKABLE: I’m sure that statement has a lot of men grabbing their crown jewels in horror, but it’s true, even though there are no bones in the penis it can still be broken. If an erect penis is violently twisted the blood chambers can burst causing rapid and excruciating swelling. Intercourse with the woman on top is believed to cause a third of all causes, when the man slips out of his partner and his penis is violently bent. So be careful there cowgirls.

4.) SMALL PENISES MAKE BIG ERECTIONS: You might be having a cheeky giggle at that small penis now ladies, but it could be the penis that has the last laugh. A study published in the Journal of Sex found that men found that shorter penises increased by 86% when erect, nearly twice that of longer penises (47%).

So now you know all about the penis make sure during sex that you’re not silly and wrap up that willy. This seamlessly leads me seamlessly to ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have chosen Crown Colour Condoms; coming in a rainbow of colours to add a little bit of extra fun to those sexy times. They also feature a super smooth water-based lubricant, reservoir tip and provide super sensitivity and safety at a super cheap cost. You wont get them cheaper anywhere else.


Nut Crushers

We have all seen those nature shows when you see some kind of monkey bash on some nuts with a rather large rock to crush them. Well boys that monkey with the rock is your ridiculous drainpipe jeans and the nuts are, well your nuts.

It’s safe to say your super skinny jeans look completely ridiculous (the skinnier you are the worse they look) I do not want to know that much about a guy I don’t know. I don’t want to be able to count the change in your pockets, know what mobile phone you have and I certainly don’t want to see the detailed outline of your penis and testicles that have been contorted into a bizarre percentage sign by the tight crotch of (what look like your sister’s) jeans.

Not only is it a terrible look, but it can also have some quite serious implications other than clammy balls (eurgh). Now although there is no significant evidence that suggests that tight jeans can have an effect of male fertility and sperm count, there is evidence that is can contribute (or even cause) a nerve condition called meralgia paresthetica. Also known as the ‘tingling thigh syndrome’ because of the prickling, tingling, numbness and/or burning sensations felt throughout the leg, it is caused by pressure on a nerve in the pelvis. The lycra-inserted denim of today’s tight jeans can cut off the sensory nerve that runs from the pelvis surface through the thigh and this can eventually compress the nerve if pressure is continuously put on the thighs.

Eye-wateringly tight pants have been implicated in a whole host of other medical conditions in both men and women, including has bladder infections, vaginal yeast infections, contact dermatitis, and even blood clots in the legs. It can also interfere with motility in the bowels, causing abdominal pain after a meal.

So how about every once in a while you loosing the pressure on your genitals and give them something nice and comfy to wear. So in the case of the men and their poor penises we arrive at ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Durex Natural Feeling Condoms, which are lubricated with an ultra smooth, water soluble lubricant for a comfortable and natural feeling.

Don’t be silly, wrap up your willy (just don’t consistently crush the bejeesus out of it in tight jeans)

Sisters Doing if for Themselves

Sometimes men seem to get a bit of a raw deal when it comes to sex. They are expected to have the stamina of a marathon runner, find the (possibly mythical) G-spot while stimulating the clitoris and caress the nipples, and while they are doing all this they are expected to find a free hand to expertly find, unwrap and correctly apply a condom.


So thinking about it, us women can be a bit harsh on men in the bedroom, pouncing on any little mistake. It isn’t fair really. We girls should take some the pressure off the men in our life once in a while.


It seems generally accepted that men should take care of the condom situation, but I say women should take their share of the responsible and use a female condom. Before I researched how they were used, they were a bit of a mystery; I thought it would be like sticking a windsock up inside you and then getting your partner to make love to it.


However, I was wrong; it turns out they are soft and comfortable for both partners and provide superior heat transfer and sensitivity. So now all you need to know is how to use one…here is my step by step guide:


1.) Carefully open the condom package carefully; don’t use your teeth, scissors or a knife, because that’s stupid (if you don’t know why it’s stupid, you definitely should not be having sex).


2.) You will see that the female condom has two rings. The outer ring covers the area around the opening of the vagina. The inner ring is used for insertion and to help hold the sheath in place during intercourse (if you don’t like all this talk of rings, you should absolutely no be having sex).


3.) While holding the Female condom at the closed end, grasp the flexible inner ring and squeeze it with the thumb and second or middle finger so it becomes long and narrow. Now gently insert the flexible inner ring into the vagina and move into position.


4.) Right girls, now you’re gonna have to put your index finger up in there (and don’t complain…you expect your boyfriend to put his penis up in there don’t you?) to push the condom up as far as it will go. Make sure the sheath is not twisted and that the outer ring of the condom is outside the vagina.


5.) You’re now good to go; gently guide your partner’s penis into the opening of the condom because if he enters in the side between the condom and the vaginal wall then you aren’t protected against anything.


6.) To remove the Female condom, twist the outer ring and gently pull the condom out.


There you have it, so women you don’t have any excuse to share your part of the condom responsibility, especially when I tell you that my ‘Condom of the Week’ is the Pasante Female Condom.

Stuffing the Sausage!

You may remember me once telling you about a disasterous sexual encounter in which my partner at the time struggled with each and every aspect of condom application. In case you don’t remember, maybe you would appreciate a little reminder. He desperately tried to chew his way through the cellophane wrapper, spraying the condoms all over the floor, which he had to scramble to pick up. Then he flicked the condom into his own eye for it to land with a damp squib on my naked leg. By the time he could actually have but the condom on it would be like trying to stuff raw sausage meat into a Cadbury’s Fudge wrapper…it isn’t ever gonna stand stiffly on its own.


A lot of people claim that the act of putting a condom on breaks the mood, but getting unintentionally pregnant of catching an STD can ruin the mood for life. So I thought I would give you guys a little tutorial in how to put on a condom, hazard free:
• To start with make sure you are keeping your condoms in a cool, dry pace and make sure they are within the expiration date.

• Make sure the penis is erect because if it isn’t the rest is going to be a giant waste of time. Never use teeth or scissors to break the wrapper as there is a risk of breaking the condom.

• Hold the condom in one hand and the base of the penis with the other (you could get a ‘friend’ in to help at this point). Pull back any extra foreskin back and put the condom on the head of the penis, with the reservoir tip pointing upwards.

• Pinch the reservoir tip, unroll the condom all the way down the penis, and check no air is trapped inside the condom as it may cause it to break.

• If you are using lubrication with a condom, make sure you are using one that is compatible with the condom.

• Remove the mole from the hole immediately after ejaculation. Before withdrawing, grasp the bottom of the condom with your hand and withdraw while holding the penis. You don’t want to leave any men behind.

So now you know the correct way to put a condom on so this leads me nicely on to ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Pasante Delay Condoms; regular fit condoms and with a special lubricant to help delay orgasms enabling you to give that special someone the best 30 seconds of your life.

Taking Your Orals?

Maybe you are a little bit of a novice when it comes to oral sex and that’s OK, but it means that you could have some inaccurate misconceptions that are stopping you enjoy this wonderful thing to its full potential. As with any sexual act there are positives and negatives and you should be fully educated on these points; sexual health may seem a boring concept, but it is important. So bear with be if you can be bothered and we will get ourselves educated about oral sex.

POSITIVES
• In men, oral sex helps to relieve stress and as a result can help the risk of colon cancer.
• The chances of the dreaded premature ejaculation and even more dreaded erectile dysfunction are greatly reduced during the act of oral sex. Woo-hoo.
• According to Associated Press reports (listen up men this one is for you), when women perform fellatio more than two times a week they can swallow semen that may reduce the risk of breast cancer.

NEGATIVES
• The main negative of oral sex is that there is still a risk of contacting sexually transmitted diseases. Many may think that because genital-genital contact is not involved that there is no risk of infection. So make sure your having safe oral sex.

Any kind of sec your having you should be having it safely, which leads me nicely onto Condom of the Week. This week I have chosen Pasante Cooling Sensation Condoms; they are designed with raised ribs and coated in a special lubricant with cooling effect to increase the intensity of sexual pleasure for both partners. They are suitable for oral, vaginal and anal sex.

BC- Before Condoms: Part 2

Last week I promised you some more bizarre contraception methods from the past that were genuinely believed to prevent pregnancy. I wonder what our male ancestors thought when babies were popping out all over the place; were they puffing their chests out and strutting through the village, proud that their sperm was super strong to get past the lemon-soaked sponge or were women getting accused of cheating left, right and centre because ‘the wife always ate bees before she had sex with me…’ I can tell you that they certainly didn’t realise the obvious, that the contraceptive didn’t work, because there are many more weird contraceptive methods, and by this I don’t mean an empty crisp packet or Milky Way wrapper…ouch.

• Of you wanted to get into a women’s knickers in the dark ages, saying something was ‘magic’ was your free pass. What other reason cold there be for ladies strapping weasel testicles to their legs in an attempt to prevent pregnancy?

• Any woman will know that even now diaphragms were not the most pleasant things. So women everywhere should spare a thought for their Ancient Egyptian counterparts; as a rudimentary diaphragm they used honey mixed with crocodile poo. Who figured out this worked? That’s what I want to know.

• You think the T-1000 from Terminator 2 was the scariest use of mercury, think again. In 11th century China, after sex to prevent pregnancy women used to drink shots of mercury…I’m sure the sterility, brain damage and minor cases of death soon after was all pure coincidence.

• Did your grandma ever tell you that flat Cola can cure anything; sore tummy or dirty jewellery…then get out the Cola. Really want to have sex, but don’t have any crocodile poo or weasel testicles nearby…then get out the Cola, except it’s not for drinking. Yes it is what you think; not so long ago it was thought that douching the vagina after sex with Cola would prevent pregnancy. It just sounds sticky.

• Ancient condoms were made of oiled silk paper and lamb intestines (hopefully rinsed).The first rubber condoms were as thick as a bicycle inner tube and had a thick seam running down one side…sounds comfortable!

So now you know how bad it could be (even with condoms) you should be grateful for all the delightful condoms we have available today. This leads nicely on to Condom of the Week, and this week I have chosen the Pasante Duel Pleasure Condom. Along with the condom, you get a little extra sachet of lubricant to increase the sensations by getting things all nice and slippy.

BC- Before Condoms

I know there is a lot of grumbling that goes on when it comes to using condoms during sex. Inaccurate claims that it feels better without; it ruins the mood, blah, blah, blah. We should all be thanking ourselves lucky that we have condoms as an effective contraceptive method, because throughout the ages of history our ancestors weren’t so fortunate. Check out some of these bizarre contraceptive methods that came before the magical (it doesn’t actually perform real magic) condom.

• The Ancient Greeks tried to prevent conception by squatting after sex and pounding themselves relentlessly on the abdomen. That sure beats cuddling.

• Ancient Egyptian women used sea sponges soaked in lemon juices and vinegar inserted into the vagina (ouch) to keep those troublesome sperm at bay; they could be reused to clean the pyramid floors.

• Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain species of spider and attached them, wrapped in deer skin of course, to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not conceive. Sounds totally reasonable to me.

• St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure. Alive or dead I do not know, but wither way I don’t think it would build up my appetite for love.

• Casanova, the world’s most famous panty raider, used the empty rind of half a lemon to prevent his well-shared sperm from setting up home. I’m understandably sceptical of this method.

• Finally, in the 6th century is was widely believed to avoid conception, a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across her navel.

That’s all for now as it’s time for Condom of the Week; you should have a new found appreciation for the little latex miracles now. If you’re lucky I may have some more bizarre historical contraception methods for you next week. This week I have went for Fair Squared Ribbed Condoms to link into my foray into eco-sex yesterday. They are made from natural fair trade rubber from a sustainable source in South India and the condition under which the rubber is sourced ensures that the farmers get a fair deal. Farmers are paid a fair price and use the extra fair trade premium to invest in improvements to their community.

Good Old Fashioned Fun

So a survey of Singapore men has revealed that men are worried about getting older. Well happens to all of us I’m afraid (well not Peter Pan, but he did have a child-obsessed and murderous pirate after him). When you grow up you finally realise how strange and unsettling the relationship between Peter Pan and Captain Hook actually is. Anyway I totally digress; Singapore men are not only worried about aging, but also about what they can do to improve their sexual health.

The reason why Singapore men are so concerned about their sexual health as they see it as a vital indicator of their general health and well being. If general health was judged by the ability of a man to get an erection, every drunken man on the planet would be considered close to death (until he sobers up at least).

Less emphasis needs to be put on the importance of the ‘stiffy’ and instead, men particularly, need to be encourages to talk about their sexual health issues with a health care professional, instead of filling in surveys on the internet. As far as I’m aware an internet survey can check your prostate for you. I know there is nothing pleasant (for most men, anyway) about two rubber-gloved fingers probing around in there, but it is important.

As ever if you are having sex, geriatric or otherwise, make sure you are doing it safely. So that brings us nicely to ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have went for Trojan Twisted Pleasure Condoms. They are designed with a special Twist at the closed end to help stimulate both partners in their most sensitive areas. Enjoy adding a little twist to your (safe) sex lives.

Just Say No!!

Now I’m no fuddy duddy (obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing a blog about sex) and during my 27 years I have lived a little and experimented now and then. You can read into that what you will, but I have never been one for drugs; I don’t drink and I’m not even that keen on Aspirin. The song ‘Just Say No’ by tragic overdose victim, Zammo, and his Grange Hill chums must have really got to me.

It is not just that it’s an insanely stupid thing to do, it is also because you never see a well-rounded and healthy looking drug addict, do you? Step forward alleged winner and tiger blood enthusiast, Charlie Sheen or sour-faced, permanently dirty looking Lindsey Lohan. Clean up your act Charlie, you have children and prostitutes to support. And Lindsey just clean…yourself, maybe start with a bath or something.

However, I know there is a temptation, especially for young idiots, to experiment with drugs, but there is a reason why they call it dope. Cannabis use can cause panic attacks, paranoia and memory loss. Also I have been informed that it causes a massive case of the munchies; fat, greasy slobbery could be a particularly unattractive by-product of excessive cannabis use. No one (usually) wants to get down and dirty with a fat, greasy stoner. Yes people want to get down and dirty but they don’t want to come away with the sticky greasy transfer that coats the stoner’s skin. Stoner sex is likely to be the safest sex there is because they aren’t actually having any.

So satisfy your curiosity and have safe sex at the same time with Blowdom Cannabis Flavoured Condoms. Not only is it the worlds only cannabis inspired condom but it is also extremely safe.

So don’t end up like Zammo, Just Say No!!

No Withdrawals!

Let’s talk idiots! There are plenty of idiots out there as the withdrawal method of contraception is believed to be the most common form of contraception used today. The withdrawal method “works” by a man pulling his penis out of the women’s vagina before he ejaculates. Morons love this method because it is all natural and there is no extra cost involved. Well tell me this idiot, how much do you think it costs to raise a child for 18 years? It is something you had better start thinking about as the withdrawal method has an average failure rate of 19%. It’s also damn messy, ejaculating all over the place.

The withdrawal method is doomed to fail eventually during sex (before ejaculation) the man produces pre-ejaculatory fluid, which does contain sperm and even potentially HIV. Yes that’s right as well as not protecting against pregnancy, it also doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted disease and if by some miracle you are a regular reader, you will know I’m an advocate for safe sex.

It can only mean one thing; it’s condom of the week time. This week I’m directing my recommendation to those that use the withdrawal method and trying to tempt them away with jaw-dropping variety. It’s the FunkyCondom Variety Super Mix; you get 48 condoms offering many different sexual experiences; increased pleasure, increased sensitivity and increased stimulation are all on offer and there is even the tuxedo black condom available for the more formal occasions. They do say variety is the spice of life after all.

Phone Sex

We are such a nation of technophiles, thinking that technology has the solution to all our problems, and if it doesn’t have the solution we need now, it soon will. The NHS sexual health team from the Wirral are getting on the technology bandwagon (like everyone else) and have launched their own mobile phone App (like everyone else).

The App gives young people information about contraception, save sex and provides information of sexual health clinics in the area. Additionally App users can play a "SexFactor" game (what a clever reference to popular culture) to improve knowledge and understanding of sexual health issues. Jumping on the social media bandwagon, a Facebook page is also available to help advertise the campaign.

The main aim of the campaign is to encourage the youngsters (not too young I hope) in Wirral to go for regular Chlamydia screenings as one-in-eight young people tested are found to have the disease. Chlamydia is the silent ninja of sexual transmitted diseases as it shows no symptoms and can lay dormant and undetected for several years, but can cause health problems and affect fertility. The sneaky little bas***d.

Apparently, they young generation won’t learn anything about sexual health unless it is beamed to them via some form of mobile media. Of course there would be no need for an App if they were taught more about the importance of condoms. Wear a condom and your risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease is nominal; this leads me nicely onto ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Trojan Fire and Ice condoms they have Dual Action Lubricant (warming and tingling mix) on both sides of the condom that provides thrilling sensations of pleasure for more passion and excitement.

Ditch the phone Apps and stock up on condoms. Technology is not always necessary but safe sex is.

It's a Weird World

Do you ever hear something on the radio and see something on the news and think, God it’s a weird world we live in. You must not me listening very well or watching carefully enough if you haven’t. In every aspect of life on this planet there is weirdness and when it comes to sex people really get freaky all over the world. After some skulking around on the internet I have found some of the world’s weirdest sexual practices, that make that time you did that thing with the banana as insignificant as Katie Price’s influence on NHS infrastructure (she has no influence here by the way).

In the Harajuku districts of Tokyo, Japan a new sex fetish called ‘the injured idol’ has spread like wildfire. It involves healthy women wrapping bandages around their heads to attract men. I have no idea if they cut eye holes in the bandages or anything; I’m not sure if usual common sense applies here. In Berlin, Germany a 78 man decided to sue for ageism after a 19 year old woman refused to sleep with him because he was too old. The 19 year old should have sued for severe eye trauma if she was unfortunate enough to see him naked. In Sydney, Australia a company is offering pole dancing lessons as an exercise regime for girls as young as 7; what’s next, a blow job class for choir boys…Sorry. In Madrid, Spain tow newspaper cartoonists were fined for a cartoon showing Spain's Crown Prince Felipe and his wife having sex…how graphic could it have been?

Sex was once a taboo subject that was discussed in hushed tones with code words and hand symbols, but now it is discussed openly and graphically. This new awareness about sex is good in terms of communication in the bedroom and that individuals are well-informed about safe sex (condoms, condoms, condoms), but it does means the freaky are coming out of the woodwork. Still they keep me amused…send in the clowns!

It's Good For the Skin

Get your dirty filthy minds out of the gutter people; I’m not talking about what you think I’m talking about. I haven’t rubbed that on my skin and for the foreseeable future I don’t plan to; I’m talking about sex. Sorry nuns and (some) priests, its official: sex is good for you.

Having a healthy sex life is not only healthy for a relationship but it is also healthy for the individual; hurrah, an excuse to ‘get busy’ even more. Regular sex has been shown to make you look younger, feel happier, lose weight, boost the immune system, reduce stress and blood pressure, help maintain a healthy heart and live longer. So throw the apples out (well don’t because that’s obviously a waste) and instead have sex once a day to keep the doctor away.

So here I go again: if you’re going to have so much sex make sure you’re doing it safely and use a condom or another form of protection. So yes it’s that time again; it the condom of the week. This week I have went for the Durex Pleasure Curve Condoms. Their unique shape gives a new angle on pleasure with its advanced condom design. Curved latex provides a new fit, with less restriction and more friction! Hurrah! The pleasure Curve's free-feeling fit stimulates both partners’ most sensitive areas. Depending on how it is worn the users can experience varied and new sensations and Durex reliably informs us that the Pleasure Curve outperformed twisted and spiral designs in consumer research.

So people in the words of Marvin Gaye ‘Let’s Get It On’, however, just because it is good for you doesn’t mean that you can accost anyone on the street and suggest a good old rogering; that’s sexual harassment and possibly even solicitation, so learn the boundaries.

Pounding the Pavement

Last week I brought you the tale of a horny Yankee who made sweet love to his automobile in a crowded grocery store car park before passing out, either from ecstasy or from the colossal amounts of alcohol he had just consumed. This week I bring you something even stranger from the streets of Hereford…and when I say the streets, I literally mean the streets. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.

In 1993, Karl Watkins appeared in front of Hereford Crown court on five counts of public indecency; his crime was stimulating sex with pavements. Yes that’s right, Mr. Watkins had a fondness for making sweet, sweet love to pavements. Witnesses identified him as the man they had seen lying face down on the pavement with his pants around his ankles and his hips thrusting away. He was also once seen to be trying to mount an underpass, presumably to spice up his love life. He was jailed for 18 months and presumable became the bitch of a long-serving cell-block walkway.

Clearly not learning his lesson, Watkins was back in court in 1995 on charges of stimulating sex with a black bin bag in front of some teenage school girls. It was just his latest rendezvous in a nine-year love affair with the rubbish sacks. He was given 3 years probation and ordered to seek some psychiatric help.

It’s a shame that Watkins hadn’t discovered Skins Black Choc Condoms; they are black and shiny, which he clearly loves and they have the added delicious taste of chocolate. And that has to be better than the taste of garbage….right?

Say What!!!

A friend once worriedly asked me if it was normal that his ejaculate was watery after oral sex and a lot ‘thicker’ after conventional penetrative sex. Being a fair few years ago I was a lot more immature at the time, so of course I told everyone we knew and he was ridiculed non-stop about it for months.

The point I am making is that we will tell our friends all sort of embarrassing information about our sex lives and sexual health, risking unknown amounts of ridicule instead of discussing such things with a health care professional.

What is worse? Revealing a nasty looking (and nastily placed) rash to the people, although you love them, that will jump on any possibly opportunity for long term mocking (you would do the same). Or speaking to a health care professional, who has seen it all and then some, in confidence and then finding a solution that not only gives you peace of mind, but doesn’t end up with you sporting a cringe-worthy nickname for the next 6 months. It seems pretty obvious the right choice to make…unless you want to be called ‘Hot Rod’ for the foreseeable future because ‘it’ is as red as a fire engine and has a fair amount of heat coming off ‘it’ when you pee.

It wouldn’t be a piece about sexual health if I didn’t plug a condom I think you should be using this week when having sex. This week I have put the responsibility in the hands of the women, because ladies is isn’t always fair to expect the man to handle protection now is it? The Femidom is a condom made specifically for females; non-latex, soft and comfortable, they line the inside of the vagina and provide superior heat transfer and sensitivity. They can be used with any lubricant, including oil-based.

So wear a condom and if their are any problems in the downstairs department save your self a hell of a lot of stress and visit a doctor or nurse and not those loveable morons you call your friends.

The over 50’s fail to use condoms

In 2010 the Family Planning Association launched its first ever sexual awareness campaign aimed at the over 50’s age group. It was designed to get older people to think about using a condom, due to the increase in the number of STI’s spreading amongst the older generation.


Compared to the under 25’s though, the diagnoses of STI’s in the over 50’s age group is much lower- however this is because less people over the age of 50 are aware of the need to get tested for STI’s- heightening the need for anyone of this age group to protect themselves by using a condom.


It’s believed that the reason behind the rising spread of STI’s amongst the over 50’s is because more couples are getting divorced than ever before. Coupled with the rising trend and acceptance of the internet dating scene, more and more people in this age group are having sex with a new partner, and are leaving themselves venerable to sexually transmitted diseases.


It can also be attributed to the fact that the over 50’s are not always aware that they need to use condoms when they are sexually active with a new partner, even if the woman has gone through the menopause and there is no risk of her getting pregnant.


Dr Indranil a consultant at the NHS Fife has said that he often sees older patients at his sexual health practice, but despite their age they are often more naive than the younger generation. "We've had instances where parents have been nudged into the clinic by their children” he said. Often the children are more informed on the importance of using ultra thin condoms because they get their information on sexual health from the media, or their school or college.

In some cases older people also let their embarrassment get in the way of buying Durex condoms too, however at Funky Condom it’s easy and embarrassment free to buy condoms online. When you buy a condom online from Funky Condom it will be dispatched to your preferred delivery address within 24 hours and will arrive in plain packaging, so no one will need to know that you are keeping your body safe.

This is going great, you think to yourself.

The object of your desire is in your bed, naked, willing and eager.

“Are you gonna put something on” she whispers sensually in your ear.

You reach into your draw where you keep your supply and that’s where it all starts to go wrong. The plastic seal on the box of condoms is impenetrable (and if you don’t hurry up she will be too), not helped by sweaty hands and frustration. After what certainly seems like eternity you violently rip into the box with your teeth and fire the little buggers everywhere. You scrabble around in the messed up covers and find one, tear off the wrapper and allow yourself a sigh of relief.

But it’s not over, all that time you have spent ‘dicking around’ has caused a lapse in concentration and your ‘little fella’ is starting to flop like overcooked asparagus. It’s not going to go on easy now and before you know it you’ve catapulted the condom into your own eye and it’s landed with a damp squib on your lady’s naked thigh and suddenly your soft and she has a headache or an early meeting, which basically translates to get the hell out of my house. But boys it doesn’t have to be this way.

You don’t have to use the same condoms you’ve been using since you were first aware of the pleasures of sex, branch out a little and make things easy on yourself. Why not try buying some Durex Maximum Love condoms they are easy to put on and sent to you loose so no more ten minutes of sweating and swearing getting into the box before the good stuff starts.

Or if you need things to be easier than that give Pasante Rider Condoms a go PASANTE RIDER CONDOMS with their unique EASY-OPEN round foil you can’t fail and even if you do the awesome designs and graphics might just win her (or him) over.

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