The summer holiday season is just about over, but a new season could be just beginning…the season of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Yes, thousands of Britain’s will be swapping the departure lounge for GUM clinic waiting room after being tremendously irresponsible abroad.

A survey of 3,000 individuals, carried out by the Co-operative Pharmacy, found that 1 in 3 people had unprotected sex with a new partner, while they were away on holiday. You would be wrong to think that this daft behaviour was saved for just the young and inexperienced in ways of life – A hefty 1 in 6 people in their 50’s would have a holiday fling or one night stand. The middle-aged participants of the survey were also the least likely to use contraception with a new partner…Tut Tut.

Additionally, One in 10 of those questioned said they had had unprotected sex because they were drunk while a fifth said they had done so because they did not have any condoms to hand. One in eight of the women questioned said they felt too embarrassed to ask about contraception when they were with a new partner.

Sexual health agencies are urging holiday makers to pack condoms before they set off on holiday, as some condoms available abroad don’t always comply with the relevant European health, safety and environmental protection laws. All our condoms here at Funky Condoms are CE marked so make sure you stock up if you are heading away on a late holiday.

Why don’t you try out Pasante Tropical Flavoured Condoms to give you holiday something extra fruity - With a choice of creamy coconut, yummy mango and tasty pineapple you wont even need to leave your hotel room to get a taste of something exotic. Be safe when you travel abroad and be sure to seek medical advice if you do end up having unprotected sex for whatever reason.

In a week full of convictions for the callous rioters that ripped through the streets of England last week, news was released of an altogether more bizarre and ground-breaking conviction. Traffic officer, David Golding was jailed for 14 months for passing on the sexually transmitted infection herpes to his girlfriend.

In the first ever case where an individual has been jailed for passing on herpes during the hearing in which the 29-year-old admitted causing grievous bodily harm by giving the infection to his then partner, Cara Lee, 23. Northampton Crown Court heard that Golding had kept his infection a secret during the couple’s relationship in 2009. After finding out she had been infected in March of 2010, Ms Lee moved out and reported Golding to the police.’.

Judge Michael Fowler told Golding: ‘Because it was in a relationship, it was particularly mean and one which amounted to a betrayal – a betrayal in a relationship in which you professed love…The injury you caused by this infection is at least or more serious than an injury leaving a scar because it carries continued recurrence, extreme discomfort and consequences for relationships she will have in the future.’

But sexual health experts and charities have called the decision to imprison him ‘outrageous’. Sexual health experts said herpes was not serious enough to amount to grievous bodily harm under the Offences Against The Person Act and will further stigmatise herpes.

Dr Colm O’Mahoney, sexual health consultant at the Countess of Chester Hospital said: ‘This is outrageous. Will children now be prosecuted for “giving” their friends chickenpox? Most people who have genital herpes don’t know it because, even if they do get recurrences, it is such a trivial genital infection that they don’t notice it.’

In Britain, about 6million people have genital herpes and up to 40million may have picked up herpes simplex (a cold sore) on the face. If you don’t want to end up like the unfortunate Mr Golding, be safe and use this week’s ‘Condom of the Week’ when having sex. This week I have chosen Durex Extra Sensitive Condoms, these condoms are feather-light to give you an intimate and natural experience.

My first sexual experience was not a pleasant one. My boyfriend at the time was not a virgin and so gave little consideration that I was one. How can I say this the best way? Okay, it was like a child trying to fit his little square block into the tubs circular hole. After a five minutes of banging against the wrong opening and finding the others not that receptive either, they just take the lid off the tub and angrily rams his square in there.

Yes, my first time was awkward, embarrassing and a bit more painful than I would like and I think maybe it was because my impatient partner didn’t know how to have sex with virgin. This made me very unwilling to have sex with him again, so (here is where you get your violins out) he cheated on me and we broke up. I wasn’t particularly bothered because after my first time fiasco I swore I was never gonna bother having sex again. If that was what all the fuss was about then they could keep it. If I wanted to have 10 crap and unsatisfying minutes I could just watch Antiques Road Show.

Thankfully, I found the joys of sex once again, but it may not have been so difficult for me if my first time partner was more considerate having sex with a virgin. So for anyone out there who will be having sex with a virgin girl I have a few tips for you.

1.) DON’T FORCE IT: There is a reason your partner is a virgin, she is obviously waiting for the right person and even if it is an outdated view in today’s society, it is still her choice. Pressuring her into having sex will make her feel cornered and trapped. Prince Charming never forced himself up against Cinderella and asked her for a quickie in the palace coat room did he? So be patient.

2.) DON’T JUMP STRAIGHT IN: Don’t go putting your hand down her pants before your even anywhere near the bedroom as that is sure to put her on edge. Try and make her as relaxed as possible. A massage is a good idea, but remember there are more places to massage other than the arse and tits.

3.) TALK TO HER: Make sure you know what she is comfortable with before you proceed to full sex. It might be a bit much to expect entrance through the back door, but don’t expect her to want it only in missionary with the lights off. You wont know unless you ask.

4.) BE WILLING TO STOP: It might be looking like the deed is going to happen, but remember it’s a women’s prerogative to change her mind. She may find that she isn’t ready after all. Additionally, you may find that during the act she may need to stop or need a break. Even fully relaxed, the first time can be painful and uncomfortable and it may become overwhelming even a tad frightening so be sensitive to that.

5.) BE SAFE: It is going to be a total bummer if on her first time you give your girlfriend a sexual transmitted disease, and even worse if you go and get her pregnant. So don’t be silly and wrap up your willy, which leads us to ‘Condom of the Week’ time. This week I have chosen Durex Maximum Love Condoms – with extra lubrication they should be a good choice.


I know if may seem that I have left out how to have sex with a virgin male, so here it is…don’t expect it to last to long!

It is a strange thing to ask, but the raunchy novels you associate with your nan (gross I know) might be having a negative impact on your love life. According to the Journal of Family Planning and Reproductive Health Care, steamy stories like those from Mills and Boon should come with a health warning. The journal article claims that romance novels are somewhat to blame for unprotected sex, unwanted pregnancies, unrealistic sexual expectations and relationship breakdowns. I assume they have caused a catastrophic increase in the cases of burning loins, particularly in barns.

In the latest edition of the journal, psychologist Susan Quilliam says that in the more standard romance novels sees the “heroine being rescued from danger by the hero, and then abandoning herself joyfully to a life of intercourse-driven multiple orgasms and endless trouble-free pregnancies in order to cement their marital devotion"…completely unrealistic.

According to Quilliam, a large number of issues seen in therapy rooms are influenced by romantic fiction. She believes that romantic fiction readers are more likely to ignore rationality in favour or romanticism…idiots. This could lead readers not to use contraceptive because they wan to get swept up in the moment.

I know the topless landscaper rarely (if ever) pauses to put on a condom before he takes the frustrated golf widow in the rough, but it’s just silly not to wrap up your willy. So don’t be like Stavros, the STD riddled landscaper and use a condom. This leads us on to the regular feature, ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have went for EXS Max Protection Condoms - Not only do they offer you extra protection, they are also completely odourless for a more pleasant and less distracting experience.

We have all heard the saying ‘Two’s Company Three’s a Crowd’. For a lot of situations this is true, such as a tandem bike ride, camping in a two-man tent or having a go on a see-saw. But the ‘three’s a crowd’ rule doesn’t have to apply to the bedroom. Yes I’m talking about threesomes and as De La Soul said ‘three, that’s the magic number’.

However, there are some rules and distinct etiquette that should be followed when considering or engaging in a threesome. It really is not ok to present yourself naked with the willing third party on the sofa as you wait for you unaware partner coming back from her reccy for a pint of milk…you might find yourself wearing it. SO what rules should you follow when it comes to a three-way? Well that’s what I’m here for, to help you.

COMMUNICATE: I know it may seem pretty obvious, but you will be surprised at how little couples actually communicate. Don’t let embarrassment stop you saying something that you find yourself wishing you had revealed standing naked before the bed. Also make sure you discuss what is okay for your partner to do and what isn’t okay to do. Like a lady of the night often won’t engage in passionate kissing because it is too personal, you may not want your partner to do the same. Or maybe your partner does a special move just for you that always finishes you mortal combat style and you don’t want them using it on anyone else.

DON’T BE AN IDIOT: Whatever you do, make sure the majority of your time is spent on your current partner. You absolutely do not want to turn over and realise your other half has left the room completely and you might find your clothes on fire or that your body wash had received a hefty does of chilli powder. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and appreciate how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you think a dummy might be in danger of being epically spat out, don’t do it.

STAY ACTIVE: If you find yourself not being the main focus of attention for a few moments, don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs, maybe get out a game of sudoku…stay involved. Touch her, touch him or touch yourself…there is so many things right there for the grabbing it would be a real shame if just one of your hands were empty.

DON’T BE SELFISH: If you climax first, don’t just roll over and have a little nap, help to please the other participants. It might be slightly awkward if the other two are trying to keep things going but are getting interrupted by your snoring.

BE SAFE: The most important rule of them all especially with all those genitals and accompanying fluids flying around. Although it may be hard to remember you should use one hand to stimulate one partner and the other hand to stimulate the other partner. And you must, must, must use a separate condom, femidom or dental dam when having penetrative sex with the separate partners. So ‘Condom of the Week’ time and this week I have chosen Night Light Glow Condoms which are some spectacularly fun glow in the dark condoms.

Finally it seems like some of you guys out there are no longer being silly and wrapping up your willy and some of you gals are no longer pulling stupid stunts and protecting your…well you know where I’m going with that. Earlier this week the Health Protection Agency announced that, for the first time in a decade, there has been a drop in the number of new sexually transmitted infections in England.


Hurray, you dirty dogs are finally being a little bit more responsible instead of dipping your dipstick in any old oil well without even wiping it off or knowing the last time the oil was changed (how is that for a metaphor). The Health Protection Agency says although the reduction is small - only 1% down from the 424,782 cases diagnosed in 2009 - it is still a significant step in the right direction.


So down to the nitty gritty…here are the stats:

• CHLAMYDIA: For the first time in a decade the rates of Chlamydia remain stable with 189,612 newly diagnosed cases last year. Additionally, more young people aged 15-24 were going in for Chlamydia screening with 2.2million being carried out in England last year, an increase of 196,500 from the previous year.


• GENITAL WARTS: New cases of genital warts were down by 3%...good news because that s**t is with you for life.


• SYPHILIS: Cases of one of the more exotic STIs, syphilis were down a pretty impressive 8% on the previous year.


• GONORRHOEA and HERPES: Unfortunately levels for both of these STIs were up in 2010. Gonorrhoea went up by 3% from 15,978 diagnoses in 2009 to 16,531 in 2010 and genital herpes increased by 8% from 27,564 to 29,703.


Unsurprisingly, young people under the age of 25 remain the group experiencing the highest rates of STIs overall.To reduce the risk of STIs, experts (and myself) advise using a condom when having sex with a new partner for the first time and continue to do so until both parties have been screened.


So this brings us nicely to Condom of the Week and this week I have chosen Trojan Ultra Ribbed Condoms. With gentle raised banding in all the right places, these condoms are guaranteed to give pleasure all round.

Here is the techno-crazed 21st Century robots are common place – whether it be a little sweet (yet mostly useless) robot that whizzes around your floor hovering up all your debris, a heroic robot that helps the military to disarm bombs, or a rather large super sophisticated robot(ish) known as deep throat that only plays chess. Deep Blue plays chess pretty damn well, in fact I think it is almost unbeatable, but get out a game of monopoly and it will be stripped to its circuit boards and begging you to let him pay for his rent on Marleybone Station with it’s CPU (I think that’s a computer/robot thing).

Well forget vacuuming robots and forget Deep Blue its all about the deep throat now…and I don’t mean the famous informant who provided information to the Washington Post ultimately leading to the uncovering of the Watergate Scandal. What people want from their robots these days is not a challenging game of chess it’s a good old seeing too.

There is a growing trend for sex robots especially in the US and China, which has led to Chinese company, The Love Sex Company, to create an ultra realistic sex doll that can (creepily) recognize and talk with its owner. At a whopping £3000, they doll is aimed at affluent businessmen and executives who are too busy to find and meet ‘real’ women.

At 5 feet, 5 inches the robot is constructed on a metal skeleton and has real feeling silicon gel skin and muscles. The physical aspects of the doll, such as face and figure, can be customised to fit the preferences of the buyer. Additionally, the robot has face recognition technology to identify its owner and can ‘converse’ in a number of languages.

Like most men want, this lady comes with a remote controls. Although you can’t use the remote to get her to shut her mush when you’re watching the football or to fetch you beer after beer, you can use it to get your sex-bot into a number of different sexual positions and make various parts of her body vibrate.

As sophisticated as this robot seems, it’s just a little bit creepy to substitute a real relationship for a relationship with a robot. But different strokes (literally) for different folks. If you’re curious about a sex dolls check out the variety of Female Love Dolls we have available here at Funky Condom. We have something for every taste and every price range so check them out.

I was shocked by the news that surfaced from Florida this morning. Apparently, 13 groups will receive a $150,000 grant form Florida’s Department of Health to promote and teach the state’s teen abstinence program. The program will ‘teach’ (more like preach I think) that abstinence is the only sure way to “avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems” and that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects”. Excuse my language when I say BOLLOCKS.

Abstinence programs are stuck very much in the dark ages as well as not being particularly effective. Tell a teenager not to do something, and what do you think the first thing they are going to do is? And take George (cuckoo-banana) Bush’s abstinence programs in Africa to reduce the spread of AIDS…well thanks to Bush AIDS levels have never been higher, yay for abstinence!!

It seems to me that these $150,000 grants would be much better served in offering teenagers realistic advice about safe sex instead of hinting that sex is something dirty (I mean it can be dirty, filthy even, but only in a good way). That money should be used to provide teenagers with the knowledge and even the means to have safe sex, if and when they choose to have sex. Get with the program Florida.

Of course it is important to have sex only when you are ready and of consenting age. So when you do choose to have sex make sure you’re doing it safely and use one of my many ‘Condom of the Week’ selections. This week I have chosen Beyond Seven Condoms Lubricated With Aloe ; sometimes sex, particularly first time sex, can cause discomfort, but these condoms have a generous coating of lube that contains natural aloe extract to soothe that discomfort.

I’m sure at some point during your nocturnal activities, you have thought that was the best sex ever or I’m harder than anyone has ever been or even that was the longest orgasm ever. Well you could be right as we enter the wonderfully weird world of sex records. So the next time you get down to the nitty gritty maybe keep a stopwatch or a tape measure handy and see if you can beat some of these guys and gals. Although some of these records (it should be obvious which) I do not recommend you try at home.

1.) BIGGEST AND SMALLEST PENIS: Although size technically doesn’t matter, it doesn’t stop the curiosity about who is hung like a horse and who is hung like a wasp.
• BIGGEST: The biggest medically verified penis sets is a whopping 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches wide, measured in the early 20th century by a Dr. Robert L. Dickenson (yes that is really his name). I hope his wife knew yoga.
• SMALLEST: The smallest penis ever recorded sets was measured at just 1cm long. There are some medical conditions that can result in a small penis. One example is where most of the penis actually resides inside the body, known as a micro-penis.

2.) EJACULATION RECORDS: All I can say is you might want to get out of the way of some of these guys and gals, or you might get hit with some friendly fire.
• FURTHEST: The furthest male ejaculation ever recorded was 18 feet and Horst Schultz and the farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet.
• SEMEN SWALLOWED: I know it’s not the most pleasant thing to mention but I’m going to anyway. The most semen swallowed was Michelle Monahan of L.A., swallowed 1.7 pints of semen and had to get her stomach pumped. What did she do, go on a bender at a sperm bank?

3.) MOST SEXUAL PARTNERS IN ONE DAY: I don’t know where they get the energy or how they avoid the chafing.
• WOMAN: The woman to set the world record for most sexual partners in one day shagged an astonishing 620 men in 24 hours; that’s 26 and hour or one man every and a bit minutes (poor show on the staying power boys)
• MAN: Jon Dough, a male porn star, was supposed to have sex with 101 women in one day, but only managed to do 52; he did the others two weeks later.

4.) MOST PENIS REMOVALS: Some guys have a weird way of celebrating victory. In 1300 BC, King Menephta came home from battle after successfully beating the Libyans and to celebrate his big win, he asked his men to chop off the penises of each member of the defeated army. He arrived home with 13,000 penises.

So anyway, if you fancy going for some records of your own, we have plenty of products here at Funky Condom, be it condoms, lubrications or toys, to help you be a record breaker.

Even after ten plus years as a sexually active heterosexual female, the male penis is still a bit of a mystery to me. As wonderful and necessary as they are, I have to admit I find them a tad weird, just stuck on there like they are. Still, even though (to me) I find a uncircumcised flaccid penis, looks a little bit like a nun in her habit, I still enjoy having them in the world (my boyfriends in particular…way to go buddy).

So I know very little about the human penis, apart from the fact it can be swung around in a rather hilarious manner like a helicopter blade, so I decided to educate myself. Thanks to the wonders of the internet and the wonderful people at the NHS, I found out 4 things about the penis that I think everyone (male, female or other) should know.

1.) THE PENIS IS NOT A MUSCLE: While we have all seen videos of men lifting paint cans with their manhood, but contrary to popular belief the penis is not actually a muscle. In fact it the ‘love muscle’ doesn’t contain any muscles at all, that’s why it is very difficult to move when erect. When a man gets a little bit excited blood flows to two cylinder chambers that causes the penis to swell and stiffen.

2.) PENIS LENGTH IS NOT RELATED TO FOOT SIZE: See a man with size 16 feet and you probably think no wonder he is walking with a limp. Well that limp is probably just the result of a poor muscle; according to a study published in the British Journal of Urology International there was no link between shoe size and penis length, in all age groups.

3.) THE PENIS IS BREAKABLE: I’m sure that statement has a lot of men grabbing their crown jewels in horror, but it’s true, even though there are no bones in the penis it can still be broken. If an erect penis is violently twisted the blood chambers can burst causing rapid and excruciating swelling. Intercourse with the woman on top is believed to cause a third of all causes, when the man slips out of his partner and his penis is violently bent. So be careful there cowgirls.

4.) SMALL PENISES MAKE BIG ERECTIONS: You might be having a cheeky giggle at that small penis now ladies, but it could be the penis that has the last laugh. A study published in the Journal of Sex found that men found that shorter penises increased by 86% when erect, nearly twice that of longer penises (47%).

So now you know all about the penis make sure during sex that you’re not silly and wrap up that willy. This seamlessly leads me seamlessly to ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have chosen Crown Colour Condoms; coming in a rainbow of colours to add a little bit of extra fun to those sexy times. They also feature a super smooth water-based lubricant, reservoir tip and provide super sensitivity and safety at a super cheap cost. You wont get them cheaper anywhere else.

No matter where we go these days we are confronted by sex, whether it is in a suggestive sausage advert or turning on the TV and watching the umpa lumpas from Geordie Shore eating face (I can take the p**s because I am a Geordie, but I am not orange, an idiot or riddled with disease). So anyway, we are confronted by sex wherever we go so it seems strange to say that many people are suffering from a low sex-drive.

While it’s safe to say sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship it is rather important; nothing will hurt the security of a relationship like a low libido will. It will cause insecurity in your partner and low self esteem with yourself. But if you do have a low sex drive you don’t have to put up with it. There are certain factors that contribute to a low sex drive so listen up while I tell you what they are so you know what to avoid.

• Obesity: In overweight men the fat cells produce the female hormone oestrogen, which reduces sex drive. So put down the fork and get on the treadmill.
• Stress: Everyone is so busy and stressed they don’t make time for sex. So leave work at the office now and then and go home and engage in an entirely different kind of ‘business time’.
• Lack of Sleep: Having too little sleep is one of the biggest killers of sex drive so get to bed early a couple of nights a week so you can stay up late the rest of the week.
• Alcohol: Too much alcohol can permanently affect the libido, and not in a good way. An orange juice every now and then has more benefits than just as one of your ‘5-a-day’ if you know what I’m saying.
• Depression: One of the leading hallmarks of depression is a low sex-drive, however anti-depressant medications also have an adverse effect on sex drive. Don’t be shy and visit your doctor to see what can be done to improve the situation.
• Poor Diet: Processed foods are not good for the health in general; they can make you feel sluggish and poorly. Get some good fresh food in you and you will be raring to go.

So follow the advice above and you will be gagging for it, but before you hop in the sack, don’t be silly and wrap your willy. Yes that is right it is time for ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have chosen the Protex 002 Non-Latex; it is one of the world’s thinnest non-latex condom and is made from a material that transfers much more heat during sex than latex. So get that car out of park and get it into drive.

During times of intimacy, at one time or another you’re sure to have heard the words ‘Oh God…Oh God…Oh God’. If you have never heard those words (or some like it) before then, oh dear! Anyway, as it turns out it seems that God has nothing to do with it baby.

A recent study, carried out by independent researcher and psychologist Dr. Darrel Ray, has claimed that religious people have a poorer sex life than us atheists. Apparently during the study Dr. Ray found that the sex lives of religious people are influenced by guilt, causing their sex lives being unfulfilling compared to non-religious people.

Dr. Ray conducted an online survey (not the most reliable scientific method I have to say…you know what kind of are on the internet) of 14,500 people asking about their sex lives (pervert…just kidding). The participants were mainly atheist or formerly religious individuals who grew up in secular homes. No participants were religious before the study.

The results of the study revealed that almost 50% people claimed that there was an improvement in their sex-lives after they had turned their backs on their religious ways. The study was inspired by the personal experiences of Dr. Ray who abandoned his fundamentalist Christian background and found an improvement in his own sex life. He carried out the study to figure out if there were others with similar experience.

Although the evidence seems convincing, I’m not sure I believe it to be true. It seems to me it could be that Dr. Ray has a problem with religion and the effect it can have on people’s life. So if you are religious, don’t feel guilty about enjoying a healthy sex life. Check out all the products we have available for couples to improve their sex lives and remember if there is a God, he is sure to approve of something as good as sex.

We have all seen those nature shows when you see some kind of monkey bash on some nuts with a rather large rock to crush them. Well boys that monkey with the rock is your ridiculous drainpipe jeans and the nuts are, well your nuts.

It’s safe to say your super skinny jeans look completely ridiculous (the skinnier you are the worse they look) I do not want to know that much about a guy I don’t know. I don’t want to be able to count the change in your pockets, know what mobile phone you have and I certainly don’t want to see the detailed outline of your penis and testicles that have been contorted into a bizarre percentage sign by the tight crotch of (what look like your sister’s) jeans.

Not only is it a terrible look, but it can also have some quite serious implications other than clammy balls (eurgh). Now although there is no significant evidence that suggests that tight jeans can have an effect of male fertility and sperm count, there is evidence that is can contribute (or even cause) a nerve condition called meralgia paresthetica. Also known as the ‘tingling thigh syndrome’ because of the prickling, tingling, numbness and/or burning sensations felt throughout the leg, it is caused by pressure on a nerve in the pelvis. The lycra-inserted denim of today’s tight jeans can cut off the sensory nerve that runs from the pelvis surface through the thigh and this can eventually compress the nerve if pressure is continuously put on the thighs.

Eye-wateringly tight pants have been implicated in a whole host of other medical conditions in both men and women, including has bladder infections, vaginal yeast infections, contact dermatitis, and even blood clots in the legs. It can also interfere with motility in the bowels, causing abdominal pain after a meal.

So how about every once in a while you loosing the pressure on your genitals and give them something nice and comfy to wear. So in the case of the men and their poor penises we arrive at ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Durex Natural Feeling Condoms, which are lubricated with an ultra smooth, water soluble lubricant for a comfortable and natural feeling.

Don’t be silly, wrap up your willy (just don’t consistently crush the bejeesus out of it in tight jeans)

About 6 years ago, I dated a magician…yes an actual magician. He was a nice enough chap; polite, considerate and generous (magicians earn a lot more than I thought they would. The guy was incredible with a set of cards; while he was driving down a busy motorway he could get you to select a card, put it back in the pack, through the entire deck at the sunroof and your card would be stuck on the outside of the sunroof…now that’s magic. But when in came to using his magic want (so to speak) he couldn’t conjure up anything special so eventually I created the greatest magic of all when I made him disappear (by that I don’t mean I killed him, I just dumped him).

Now Hitachi, they certainly so know what to do with a magic wand; their world famous and award winning Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the world number 1 vibrator with many women across the globe having one lovingly stashed under the bed. It delivers strong, throbbing and reliable vibrations to the clitoris. The flexible head and its long arm can be positioned easily between partners or used comfortably alone. Snap on the Gee Whiz for internal vibrations and to tickle your G-spot, or use it on your clitoris for more focused stimulation.

For over 30 years the Hitatchi Magic Wand Massager has been at the forefront of mains powered massagers, even featuring in Sex and the City (where else?). And believe it or not it can actually be also used as an actual massager; the unit measures 12.5 inches, providing a good handle with which to massage over the shoulders and against the back. Hitachi Magic Wand has a shape that makes it perfect for professionals to deliver therapeutic massage without fatigue or to individuals wishing to provide gentle massage within the home.

Now that’s magic.

Sometimes men seem to get a bit of a raw deal when it comes to sex. They are expected to have the stamina of a marathon runner, find the (possibly mythical) G-spot while stimulating the clitoris and caress the nipples, and while they are doing all this they are expected to find a free hand to expertly find, unwrap and correctly apply a condom.


So thinking about it, us women can be a bit harsh on men in the bedroom, pouncing on any little mistake. It isn’t fair really. We girls should take some the pressure off the men in our life once in a while.


It seems generally accepted that men should take care of the condom situation, but I say women should take their share of the responsible and use a female condom. Before I researched how they were used, they were a bit of a mystery; I thought it would be like sticking a windsock up inside you and then getting your partner to make love to it.


However, I was wrong; it turns out they are soft and comfortable for both partners and provide superior heat transfer and sensitivity. So now all you need to know is how to use one…here is my step by step guide:


1.) Carefully open the condom package carefully; don’t use your teeth, scissors or a knife, because that’s stupid (if you don’t know why it’s stupid, you definitely should not be having sex).


2.) You will see that the female condom has two rings. The outer ring covers the area around the opening of the vagina. The inner ring is used for insertion and to help hold the sheath in place during intercourse (if you don’t like all this talk of rings, you should absolutely no be having sex).


3.) While holding the Female condom at the closed end, grasp the flexible inner ring and squeeze it with the thumb and second or middle finger so it becomes long and narrow. Now gently insert the flexible inner ring into the vagina and move into position.


4.) Right girls, now you’re gonna have to put your index finger up in there (and don’t complain…you expect your boyfriend to put his penis up in there don’t you?) to push the condom up as far as it will go. Make sure the sheath is not twisted and that the outer ring of the condom is outside the vagina.


5.) You’re now good to go; gently guide your partner’s penis into the opening of the condom because if he enters in the side between the condom and the vaginal wall then you aren’t protected against anything.


6.) To remove the Female condom, twist the outer ring and gently pull the condom out.


There you have it, so women you don’t have any excuse to share your part of the condom responsibility, especially when I tell you that my ‘Condom of the Week’ is the Pasante Female Condom.

You may remember me once telling you about a disasterous sexual encounter in which my partner at the time struggled with each and every aspect of condom application. In case you don’t remember, maybe you would appreciate a little reminder. He desperately tried to chew his way through the cellophane wrapper, spraying the condoms all over the floor, which he had to scramble to pick up. Then he flicked the condom into his own eye for it to land with a damp squib on my naked leg. By the time he could actually have but the condom on it would be like trying to stuff raw sausage meat into a Cadbury’s Fudge wrapper…it isn’t ever gonna stand stiffly on its own.


A lot of people claim that the act of putting a condom on breaks the mood, but getting unintentionally pregnant of catching an STD can ruin the mood for life. So I thought I would give you guys a little tutorial in how to put on a condom, hazard free:
• To start with make sure you are keeping your condoms in a cool, dry pace and make sure they are within the expiration date.

• Make sure the penis is erect because if it isn’t the rest is going to be a giant waste of time. Never use teeth or scissors to break the wrapper as there is a risk of breaking the condom.

• Hold the condom in one hand and the base of the penis with the other (you could get a ‘friend’ in to help at this point). Pull back any extra foreskin back and put the condom on the head of the penis, with the reservoir tip pointing upwards.

• Pinch the reservoir tip, unroll the condom all the way down the penis, and check no air is trapped inside the condom as it may cause it to break.

• If you are using lubrication with a condom, make sure you are using one that is compatible with the condom.

• Remove the mole from the hole immediately after ejaculation. Before withdrawing, grasp the bottom of the condom with your hand and withdraw while holding the penis. You don’t want to leave any men behind.

So now you know the correct way to put a condom on so this leads me nicely on to ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Pasante Delay Condoms; regular fit condoms and with a special lubricant to help delay orgasms enabling you to give that special someone the best 30 seconds of your life.

Consider the following:

After some passionate kissing on the sofa, things have migrated to the bedroom. You sensually remove each others clothes and take things to the bed. The kissing resumes, things start to get all hot and heavy and you know you’re in for a good night. Then all of a sudden you feel two hands on the top of your head and you think maybe they are going to run their fingers through your hair just how you like it.

But no, instead you feel an aggressive force pushing your head downwards and before you know it your in a bizarre wrestling match with them pushing your head desperately towards their nether regions while you’re are manically trying to wriggle your way back up their naked chest. Your cheek repeatedly slaps against chest which continues for a few awkward moment before you scream “What the f**k are you doing?”

Has this ever happened to you? Isn’t it annoying? It’s the guy or girl who after a few minutes of kissing is trying to get you to put your lips somewhere else. If you want to receive oral sex there is a better way to go about it than straining all the muscles in your partner’s neck. For starters keep things clean, neat and tidy down there and it will be a lot more inviting. Then don’t be afraid to ask for it, letting your partner know how much they turn you on, but make sure you get the object of your desire all warmed up first, if you know what I mean.

To make the oral experience a whole lot more pleasant for both of you, try using some Head Job Oral Sex Lotion; the wonderful flavour and silky texture will mean oral sex has never been sweeter.

I’m sure most of you have heard about the World Air Guitar Championship, where fans of music, who can’t be arsed to learn how to play an instrument, prance around on stage like tw*ts, pretending to play one.

Well it the same sort of vein I bring you the Air Sex Championship; held annually in Austin, Texas, competitors get up on stage (usually in not much clothing) and stimulate their favourite sexual positions…solo. Men and women writhe around on stage it what can only can only be loosely termed as their favourite sexual position, to the applause of the horny audience.

Frankly I’ve looked at some of the pictures of some of the competitors and if they came at me with those moves I would think they were trying to buff out a dent in my body work or something. So it made me think; if people in the Air Guitar Championship play air instruments because they can’t be bothered to learn how to play a real one, then do people enter the Air Sex Championship, because they can’t be bothered (or aren’t given the chance because of their creepy air moves) to have real sex?

They really don’t know what they are missing. They should get off the stage and get into the bedroom with a real human being instead of humping the air…idiots. If you still want to look like a fool in the bedroom stick on some Gag Bottom Shorts; perfect for looking like a clown and can double up for a stag or fancy dress night.

Last week a couple in Burton, Michigan in the US, were arrested for having sex outside a well known fast food American fast food chain, Wendy’s. Police were called to the restaurant after someone inside noticed to couple getting jiggy in the Chevy Astro van in the parking lot…classy. There was no bumper sticker on the fan stating “If the van is rocking, don’t come a knocking”, so police went ahead and arrested the couple.


Burton Det. Shawn Duncanson said when officers arrived they had to order the couple to put their clothes on as they were still naked inside the van. “It happens quite often, but not normally in the daytime,” said Det. Duncanson. What are they putting in the food in that Wendy’s? Are they serving Viagra-laced milkshakes? It seems like the perfect strategy to put people off their fast food; maybe Jamie Oliver has been doing it wrong all this time. Maybe he should get a van, get naked and bounce around in it outside a McDonalds


If you feel like mixing food and sex in a less fattening way and one that probably won’t get you arrested try using some Durex Play Cherry Lubricant. It feels smooth, it tastes sweet and is deliciously fruity and can be used wherever (on the body, not anywhere like Wendy’s) and whenever you like. It is water soluble, safe to use with condoms and vibrators and its twist pump action bottle is great for easy usage. Additionally, it is completely sugar free, so it is a sweet treat that even Jamie Oliver would approve of…tuck in.

Maybe you are a little bit of a novice when it comes to oral sex and that’s OK, but it means that you could have some inaccurate misconceptions that are stopping you enjoy this wonderful thing to its full potential. As with any sexual act there are positives and negatives and you should be fully educated on these points; sexual health may seem a boring concept, but it is important. So bear with be if you can be bothered and we will get ourselves educated about oral sex.

POSITIVES
• In men, oral sex helps to relieve stress and as a result can help the risk of colon cancer.
• The chances of the dreaded premature ejaculation and even more dreaded erectile dysfunction are greatly reduced during the act of oral sex. Woo-hoo.
• According to Associated Press reports (listen up men this one is for you), when women perform fellatio more than two times a week they can swallow semen that may reduce the risk of breast cancer.

NEGATIVES
• The main negative of oral sex is that there is still a risk of contacting sexually transmitted diseases. Many may think that because genital-genital contact is not involved that there is no risk of infection. So make sure your having safe oral sex.

Any kind of sec your having you should be having it safely, which leads me nicely onto Condom of the Week. This week I have chosen Pasante Cooling Sensation Condoms; they are designed with raised ribs and coated in a special lubricant with cooling effect to increase the intensity of sexual pleasure for both partners. They are suitable for oral, vaginal and anal sex.

According to an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, there is a new emerging trend in the sex-toy market. The new market hot-property is sex furniture; now by this I don’t mean a chair made entirely out of dildos, inflatable boobs with vibrating vagina armrests. That’s just plain weird!

So many of you many of you may be thinking that you don’t need such furniture; you have been having sex (mostly successfully) for years and without the need for any furniture (apart from a bed and that public toilet one drunken night many moons ago). Well sex furniture is a broad term that covers an entire range of things including such things as sex swings, inflatable chairs with bondage straps and portable exotic danger poles.

So if you feel like trying out something new here is just a selection of Funky Condom’s finest Sex Furniture.

• Hot Pink Dance Pole Kit: A great portable dance pole you can pop up anywhere you feel like (well maybe not anywhere; I wouldn’t recommend putting it up in the bus station) and give your lover an eye popping treat as you spin and dance around it.

• Cupids Couch Purple: This inflatable passion couch will totally transform your love life; manufactured from top quality cross woven PVC, it is ergonomically designed to enhance shared passion experiences. The couch consists of two air chambers for maximum support and the upper chamber can be quickly deflated allowing the partially deflated couch to be easily stored under your bed.

• Super Sex Sling: This top quality swing allows you to get into the positions and places you’ve never been before. It offers extreme comfort and the ability for better penetration and G-Spot stimulation. Product DVD and instructional booklet included.

Before I met my current partner, who I have to give kudos to, I had some not so delightful relationships and certainly had to cope with some very awkward and highly cringe-worthy ‘shows of affection’; way more embarrassing than the boyfriend that gets a boner at the family BBQ.


It’s the sloppy kisser; not only are the noises they make reminiscent of slapping a toad on the surface of a pond, but I also had to spend months with a permanently wet face. A sticky, slimy face; do you know when a dog licks its own paw when it is cleaning itself in those long licks…my face was that dogs paw and my boyfriend(ish) was the dog eager to clean up. I was a little bit concerned that he would hump my leg in public and drop a deuce on the neighbour’s garden…it was awful.


I tried to tell the poor guy that opening his mouth as wide as he possible could and then batting around my tongue with his. It was like he was trying to devour my head and the effects were certainly the same, fear and a face covered in saliva. I tried to teach the guy how I wanted to be kissed, but that caused a tantrum of toddler quality. It was no use; he was unwilling to learn and I was unwilling to undergo a thorough (and disgusting) face cleaning every time we saw each other. I ended the relationship, he called me a slut (real mature) and we haven’t seen or spoke since.


So if you want to learn more about how to please a woman try watching What Women Really Want; It offers essential relationship advise and is the definitive guide for women and their men on sexual techniques that enhance a women’s pleasure. It can’t hurt, and if you do something for her, she will have to do something for you, if you know what I’m saying.

A doctor in Pennsylvania, clearly thought this saying had been over-used and decided to come up with his own.

The weight-loss doctor had some rather unusual advice for his patients who wanted to lose weight quickly. The chubby-chasing doctor told his patients he would have sex with them in his office and each orgasm they had would burn 200 calories (bit confident in his abilities don’t you think?). I once heard that you burn more calories vacuuming than you do having sex, but he wasn’t suggesting that to his patients was he? I notice he also didn’t suggest the women orchestrated their orgasms by themselves.

Dr. Arie Oren, 64, allegedly groped female patients with his hands and an electric massager. Suspicious patients informed the authorities and he was arrested on charges of aggravated indecent assault and indecent assault. He will be expected to deliver a whole other kind of orgasm a day in prison…that’s karma bitch.

You want to increase the frequency and intensity of your orgasms visit us here at Funky Condom; we have a wide range of lubricants designed to increase sensitivity and pleasure and all without a pervy doctor.

Last week I promised you some more bizarre contraception methods from the past that were genuinely believed to prevent pregnancy. I wonder what our male ancestors thought when babies were popping out all over the place; were they puffing their chests out and strutting through the village, proud that their sperm was super strong to get past the lemon-soaked sponge or were women getting accused of cheating left, right and centre because ‘the wife always ate bees before she had sex with me…’ I can tell you that they certainly didn’t realise the obvious, that the contraceptive didn’t work, because there are many more weird contraceptive methods, and by this I don’t mean an empty crisp packet or Milky Way wrapper…ouch.

• Of you wanted to get into a women’s knickers in the dark ages, saying something was ‘magic’ was your free pass. What other reason cold there be for ladies strapping weasel testicles to their legs in an attempt to prevent pregnancy?

• Any woman will know that even now diaphragms were not the most pleasant things. So women everywhere should spare a thought for their Ancient Egyptian counterparts; as a rudimentary diaphragm they used honey mixed with crocodile poo. Who figured out this worked? That’s what I want to know.

• You think the T-1000 from Terminator 2 was the scariest use of mercury, think again. In 11th century China, after sex to prevent pregnancy women used to drink shots of mercury…I’m sure the sterility, brain damage and minor cases of death soon after was all pure coincidence.

• Did your grandma ever tell you that flat Cola can cure anything; sore tummy or dirty jewellery…then get out the Cola. Really want to have sex, but don’t have any crocodile poo or weasel testicles nearby…then get out the Cola, except it’s not for drinking. Yes it is what you think; not so long ago it was thought that douching the vagina after sex with Cola would prevent pregnancy. It just sounds sticky.

• Ancient condoms were made of oiled silk paper and lamb intestines (hopefully rinsed).The first rubber condoms were as thick as a bicycle inner tube and had a thick seam running down one side…sounds comfortable!

So now you know how bad it could be (even with condoms) you should be grateful for all the delightful condoms we have available today. This leads nicely on to Condom of the Week, and this week I have chosen the Pasante Duel Pleasure Condom. Along with the condom, you get a little extra sachet of lubricant to increase the sensations by getting things all nice and slippy.

“Oh fantastic, another chocolate egg”

If you didn’t detect sarcasm in that statement, let me reassure you it is in fact there…by the bucket load. The long weekend is great, but the boring chocolate eggs that a forced down our throats from the 1st of January until it is finally over defies belief. Every year you know what to expect, and while you enjoy the chocolate egg while you are stuffing it down your throat, it certainly isn’t something that is memorable, moments after you have wiped the chocolate mess from around your mouth.

However, there is still time to make it up to your beloved. Quickly get yourself the Chocolate CloneAWilly kit and make your other half an exact, solid chocolate mould of your penis. Perhaps it would be best to mould your penis when you are ‘standing to attention’, it will make the whole thing more aesthetically pleasing and there will be a lot more chocolate.

The benefits are there for you too; if you think your partner could improve her performance by increasing her ‘oral exams’, so to speak, get them to do some ‘revision’ on the chocolate replica. Just be prepared for it’s gonna be so delicious, they may be tempted to bite…you certainly don’t want to encourage a precedent for that now do you?

“Do you work at subway? Because you have given me a foot-long”

“I’d love to se how you look when I’m naked”

“Is your name Gillette…because you’re the best that man can get”

“You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away”

“I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long”
Ok guys and girls, I have a couple of questions for you. Have any of you used any of the above chat up line? Ok so you have, well then I have another question for you. Are you single? Oh you are single…well it certainly is not a coincidence. Those chat up lines are nothing more than woman/man repellent. But it isn’t hopeless yet…yes you are useless once you open your mouth, but maybe the way you carry yourself is enough to charm a possible mate into one day maybe having sex with you. Read the following:

The place is a crowded dance floor in the hottest nightclub in town. You spot the object of your desire so you make your way through the dancing throng, battling your way to the most beautiful person in the room. After an eternity you finally make it to their side and proceed to dry hump the life out of them (not even in time with the music) and drool. Three seconds later the dance floor is deserted. Is this you? Oh it is…you thought they couldn’t handle you, because you’re just ‘too real’. No, you’re just a moron.

What you need is practice (and lots of it). Women, get yourself a male love doll, and men get yourself a female love doll, and practice out your lines, moves and everything else on something that can’t humiliate you. You will be hot stuff in no time.

A few weeks ago I gave you a sneak peak into the wonderful world of the weird laws surrounding sex. I figured with the long Easter weekend coming up I thought you guys might need some extra fodder to fuel three days of bank holiday pub conversation. Previous entries included it being illegal to have sex with the devil without a Condom, not getting paid for animal sex and having the mother present when losing your virginity. So I have really pushed the boat out with this little lit. Take a look:

• Muslims are banned at looking at the genitals of a corpse (would this be something anyone would be itching to have a look at?), and this includes undertakers; the genitals must be covered with a piece of wood or a brick at all times.

• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is masturbation; if you got an itch down there you had better be discreet in scratching it.

• In Minnesota it is illegal for any man to have sex with any kind of fish; apparently a woman can have as much sex with a fish as she likes.

• In many, many US states it is illegal if an erection is visible through clothing; I’m not sure if it is the erection that is illegal or the clothing.

• In parts of Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on; I bet this is a bit of blessing and relief for some.

• In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her and jiggle her breasts for anyone she liked, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Who is the picture gonna tell? Bizarre stuff.

So that’s your lot, get out in the sun , get a beer or two and share these weird, strange and very real laws with your mates. Happy Easter.

Professional weirdo, Nicolas Cage, has some rather weird views when it comes to food and sex. The full-time nutcase and part-time awful movie-maker, will wear what appears to be road-kill carcasses on the top of his head but he wont eat any animal that appears undignified during the sexual act (I guess that means he won’t be going cannibal anytime soon).


So what does Nicolas constitute as dignified animal sex? A top hat and a monocle perhaps? He must be dying to sink his teeth into a penguin or two; those adorable things look like they are permanently wearing Tuxedos. You can’t get much more dignified than that. But don’t worry nature lovers; Mr. Cage isn’t stalking Antarctica, in a white morph suit, hoping to find a tasty morsel. How about we hear it straight from the horse’s mouth (so to speak):


“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”


He is one dangerously ill man. If you want a tasty sexual experience that is nothing like the ‘Ghost Rider’s’ (awful movie), try one of the many Flavoured Lubricants we have here at Funky Condom.

I know there is a lot of grumbling that goes on when it comes to using condoms during sex. Inaccurate claims that it feels better without; it ruins the mood, blah, blah, blah. We should all be thanking ourselves lucky that we have condoms as an effective contraceptive method, because throughout the ages of history our ancestors weren’t so fortunate. Check out some of these bizarre contraceptive methods that came before the magical (it doesn’t actually perform real magic) condom.

• The Ancient Greeks tried to prevent conception by squatting after sex and pounding themselves relentlessly on the abdomen. That sure beats cuddling.

• Ancient Egyptian women used sea sponges soaked in lemon juices and vinegar inserted into the vagina (ouch) to keep those troublesome sperm at bay; they could be reused to clean the pyramid floors.

• Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain species of spider and attached them, wrapped in deer skin of course, to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not conceive. Sounds totally reasonable to me.

• St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure. Alive or dead I do not know, but wither way I don’t think it would build up my appetite for love.

• Casanova, the world’s most famous panty raider, used the empty rind of half a lemon to prevent his well-shared sperm from setting up home. I’m understandably sceptical of this method.

• Finally, in the 6th century is was widely believed to avoid conception, a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across her navel.

That’s all for now as it’s time for Condom of the Week; you should have a new found appreciation for the little latex miracles now. If you’re lucky I may have some more bizarre historical contraception methods for you next week. This week I have went for Fair Squared Ribbed Condoms to link into my foray into eco-sex yesterday. They are made from natural fair trade rubber from a sustainable source in South India and the condition under which the rubber is sourced ensures that the farmers get a fair deal. Farmers are paid a fair price and use the extra fair trade premium to invest in improvements to their community.