Can condoms cause a UTI?

Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are extremely common and can be caused by a whole host of things from poor hygiene to simply having sex.

They occur when bacteria get into the urethra and can be extremely painful. Some people are more prone to developing a UTI than others and although they are not a sexually-transmitted infection, just the act of having sex can irritate the urethra and cause an infection.

Some people think that using condoms can cause UTIs. You are more at risk of suffering from a UTI if you use a condom with a spermicidal lubricant so it is safer to stay clear of products of this type.

Make sure your condom has non-spermicidal lubricant and always practice good hygiene. Only remove a condom from its packet when you are ready to use it and never re-use a condom.

It is also a good idea to make sure both you and your partner have clean hands when putting a condom on.

As condoms are the only contraception which offer protection from sexually-transmitted infections, it is still much safer to use a condom than to have sex without one. And remember that it is possible to develop a UTI from sex alone even when you’re not wearing a condom.

In fact, using a diaphragm increases a woman’s risk of getting a UTI and is not recommended for women who suffer from them regularly. It is thought the diaphragm prevents the woman’s bladder from completely emptying during urination, which is why a UTI might develop.

There are lots of things you can do to help prevent a UTI. These include:

• Drinking plenty of water

• Drinking cranberry juice or taking cranberry capsules

• Eating lots of fibre to prevent constipation which can lead to a UTI

• Treating any constipation you do suffer from quickly by taking a mild laxative

• Always wiping from front to back if you are a woman

• Washing your genitals regularly

• Emptying your bladder after having sex

• Going to the toilet as soon as you feel the need instead of trying to hold it in

Are condoms vegan?

If you’re vegan, you may not realise that the contraception you use might contain animal products.

Most condoms are latex and contain casein, a protein which is found in milk. Casein is added to help make the latex smooth during the manufacturing process.

There are even some condoms which are made using lamb’s intestines, although these aren’t as common as they used to be. In fact, these lambskin condoms are not recommended for protecting yourself against sexually-transmitted diseases as they are porous, although they are effective at preventing pregnancy.

But don’t despair, there are lots of vegan condoms on the market so you can practise safe sex without compromising on your principles. You may also want to avoid condoms which contain casein if you suffer from a milk allergy as it is possible you could experience a reaction.

One way of avoiding casein is to buy non-latex condoms which offer just as much protection from unplanned pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections.

Funky Condom sells LifeStyles SKYN condoms which are made from polyisoprene and are vegan. Other non-latex condoms like Durex RealFeel are also made without casein and so are a good choice if you are trying to avoid using contraception which contains animal products.

Condomi condoms used to be recognised as vegan by the Vegan Society. However, after some changes to the manufacturing process, there have been claims that they are no longer vegan but Condomi state all their products are free from animal derivatives.

It is not just non-latex condoms which are vegan-friendly. Some manufacturers make latex condoms without using casein or any other animal products.

One of these brands is Kimono, a Japanese condom manufacturer which uses no animal or milk proteins. Funky Condom sells five products from Kimono, including Kimono Thin Maxx Large, Kimono Thin and Kimono MicroThin Large.

What condoms should I buy?

When you’re choosing which condom you should buy, there are a few things to think about.

What are your priorities? There is a wide variety of choices which all cater to different tastes and needs so it is a good idea to work out what is most important to you.

Here are some things to think about when working out which condoms to buy:

• Are you mostly concerned about safety?

Funky Condom sells a number of Extra Safe condoms with products from Pasante, EXS and Durex. These condoms are slightly thicker than standard condoms and have extra lubrication to minimise the risk of tearing and provide high levels of protection.

• Does size matter?

If you’re bigger or smaller than average, you might want to consider buying a condom which is better suited to your size. Wearing ill-fitting condoms can be uncomfortable and unpleasant and could also increase the risk of it slipping or breaking. There is a good choice of extra-large and snug fit condoms available to meet your needs.

• What kind of sex are you having?

While all the condoms Funky Condom sells are safe for vaginal, anal and oral sex, you may want to stock up on some flavoured condoms if you’re going to be using them for blow jobs. Many people don’t like the taste or smell of latex so buying one in a tasty flavour can make the whole act more enjoyable for both of you.

• Do you want to last longer?

If you’re concerned about coming too soon or you simply want to extend your lovemaking, you might want to consider buying some climax control condoms. With a lubricant designed to temporarily numb your penis and delay orgasm, these condoms will help your sex sessions last longer.

• Are you looking to heighten pleasure?

If you’re looking to maximise sensations, there are a few options open to you. Ultra-thin condoms will intensify feelings for the man and provide a more natural sexual experience. On the other hand, ribbed and dotted condoms will thrill and stimulate the woman and increase her chances of reaching a climax.

When you’re choosing condoms, the best thing to do is take a look at what is available. Don’t get stuck in a rut, try out a few different types and styles to discover which you like best. Many of the condoms sold by Funky Condom are sold in small quantities so you can try them out before buying larger packets of your favourites.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

Herpes is a highly contagious viral infection which remains in your body and can cause painful blistering on your genitals.

Once you have caught herpes, the virus will remain inside your body and can flare up again in the future. In general, outbreaks of genital herpes are worst in the first two years of being infected, with flare-ups becoming less regular and severe as time goes on.

Condoms can provide some protection against herpes, although it is important to take further precautions. Never have sex with someone while they have visible symptoms of herpes, always wait until the outbreak has cleared up.

Eight out of 10 people with the herpes virus are not aware they have the infection. Even someone who is not suffering from any symptoms can pass on the herpes virus but using condoms will reduce this risk, although it will not give you complete protection.

One of the reasons why there is still a risk even while using condoms is because they only cover the penis. Herpes can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact so touching someone’s upper thighs, anus and genital area can also lead to the infection spreading.

In a nutshell, if you’re planning to have sex then the best way you can protect yourself against herpes is to use a condom. Studies suggest that using condoms reduce the chance of herpes spreading by half.

But be vigilant and do not have any sexual contact with someone if you can see blistering around their private parts or inner thighs. You can also catch herpes though oral sex, so use a flavoured condom if you are unsure of your partner’s sexual health and history.

If you know that you have herpes, be careful to avoid sexual contact if there are any sores, ulcers or blisters visible or if you can feel the itching or tingling sensation which usually occurs just before an outbreak.

Why condoms are flavoured

If you’ve only ever used standard condoms, you might be wondering why you’d bother with the flavoured variety.

Flavoured condoms are normal condoms, which have been coated to make them taste and smell like something else. There are a wide range of flavours out there to suit individual tastes from chocolate and mint to strawberry and blueberry.

But why do they make flavoured condoms? The answer is simple – most people are not all that keen on the smell and taste of flavoured condoms so if they’re going to be using one for oral sex, choosing a flavoured one can make the whole experience more palatable.

Even if you’re in a committed long-term relationship and no longer use condoms for sex, you might still find flavoured condoms make oral sex a more pleasurable experience. If your partner doesn’t like the taste of semen or is a little squeamish about blow jobs, they might prefer using a condom in their favourite flavour.

Flavoured condoms are safe to use for vaginal and anal sex but if you’re not going to be engaging in oral activity, the taste and smell is probably not your first priority. However, if things progress and oral sex ends up leading to full penetration, you don’t need to worry as a flavoured condom will still give you the protection you need from unplanned pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Do I need to wear a condom for oral sex?

People often think oral sex is safer than full intercourse. We all know that giving someone a blow job can’t lead to pregnancy but it can put you at risk of catching a sexually-transmitted disease.

When you engage in oral sex, you are coming into contact with your partner’s bodily fluids. If the person you are getting intimate with has a sexually-transmitted infection then you could catch it from oral sex.

It is possible for your mouth or throat to become infected with gonorrhoea, herpes, chlamydia or syphilis. And, although it is rare, you can also end up with genital warts in your mouth if you come into contact with someone who has them.

There is also the risk of catching HIV through

Which condom is best?

Asking which condom is the best is a bit like asking about the length of a piece of string.

There is no one answer as everyone’s tastes and needs are different and one person’s favourite might not work as well for another. The key is to find which condom is best for you.

One way you can find your favourite is to try out a few different types and see which you prefer. Funky Condom sells condoms from 11 different brands, including Durex, Trojan and Pasante.

Many of our products can be purchased in small quantities, giving you the option of trying out lots of different types before settling on your ideal one.

And remember, there’s no need to stick to a particular type of condom. You can buy lots of different types and choose whichever one suits your mood (or the mood of your partner) at the time.

At Funky Condom, we think all the condoms we sell are fantastic but here are some suggestions as to which type might suit you:

1. When you’re in the mood for oral sex
Flavoured condoms are a good bet for adding a bit of flavour and excitement to oral sex. They are safe for vaginal and anal sex as well and come in a wide variety of flavours. If you’re a chocoholic, you might want to try EXS Hot Chocolate flavour condoms, while if you’re feeling fruity there is Pasante Tropical.

2. If you want to last longer between the sheets
Climax control condoms are ideal for men you are concerned about premature ejaculation or who simply want to last longer before they orgasm. With a special lubricant designed to desensitise the penis, these condoms delay the moment of climax. Examples include Pasante Infinity Delay, Durex Extended Pleasure and EXS Delay.

3. For something a little bit different
If you’re looking for something which offers a little bit more than standard, there are a number of condoms which could be right for you. There are coloured condoms to suit any occasion, textured condoms which will stimulate your partner and latex-free condoms if you have an allergy to rubber. You can also buy condoms in fun packaging like EXS Smiley Face condoms.

4. If you’re looking for a bareback experience

Ultra-thin condoms are perfect for people who want to practice safe sex but don’t like the feeling of wearing a condom. Funky Condoms sells a number of super thin condoms which allow you to feel every sensation of sex but are still strong and effective. You might want to try Okamoto’s 0.02 Latex-free Hydro condoms which are half the thickness of regular condoms.

How condoms work

Condoms work by trapping sperm and semen so it doesn’t come into contact with your sexual partner.

A popular form of barrier contraception, male condoms are worn during vaginal, anal and oral sex. Not only do they stop your sperm from entering your partner when you come but they also help you avoid coming into direct contact with their bodily fluids.

Condoms are designed to protect the user from sexually-transmitted infections including HIV, gonorrhoea and chlamydia. They are also an effective method at preventing pregnancy and have a 98% success rate.

Most condoms available on the market are male condoms and are worn on the penis. To put one on, wait until your penis is erect and then roll the condom down the shaft.

It is a good idea to lightly pinch the reservoir tip before putting it on to avoid air getting trapped. Withdraw from your partner as soon as you have climaxed and hold the condom so it doesn’t slip off while you are pulling out.

As your condom will contain sperm, it needs to be disposed of carefully. Some people choose to tie them in a knot and wrap them in tissue before throwing them away.

You can also buy female condoms which are inserted into the vagina before sex and also stop the exchange of bodily fluids.

Funky Condom sells a large selection of condoms to suit different tastes and purposes. Ribbed or dotted condoms are made with textured latex which stimulates your partner and increases the likelihood of them achieving an orgasm.

Some condoms numb and desensitise the penis to help the wearer delay orgasm and last for longer. Known as climax control condoms, they work by using a lubricant containing benzocaine which temporarily dulls sensation and can help prevent premature ejaculation.

Extra safe condoms are made from thicker, tougher material than standard condoms. They are the ideal choice for sex workers, people who are HIV positive and those who are very concerned about their sexual health.

You can also choose from a number of styles and sizes. These include snug-fit, large coloured and flavoured condoms as well as ultra-thin ones which allow the wearer to feel more sensation during sex.

Do condoms have sizes?

Many people think condoms are a one-size-fits-all solution but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

Penises come in all shapes and sizes and so do condoms and it is worth trying out a few different brands and styles to find the one which is perfect for you. In the UK, the average man’s penis is around six inches long and standard condoms are created to fit the majority of British men.

However, sizes do vary depending on what brand you choose. For example, condoms made by Japanese manufacturer Okamoto are slightly smaller than those made by US or British firms.

Funky Condom also sells a variety of larger and smaller condoms to suit people whose manhood is far from average.

If standard condoms often slip around on your penis or you feel like they are loose or baggy, it could be worth trying a tighter fitting variety. There are a number of great options on the market including Pasante Trim, EXS Sung Fit and Lifestyle Snugger Fit.

A closer fitting condom is not just for men with smaller than average penises. Many people find they enjoy wearing a snug size more than a standard one so give one a go and see whether it floats your boat.

One way of checking which condom size is right for you is by measuring your girth at its widest point with a tape measure. Those with a circumference measurement of less than 4.7 inches (119mm) will usually be more comfortable with a closer-fitting condom.

However, if you have a circumference of more than 5.1 inches (130mm) then a larger condom may be the best bet for you.

Larger sized condoms are the perfect choice for well-endowed men who may feel uncomfortable or restricted in standard size condoms. If you have a large penis, trying to force it into a condom which is too small could be a risky business as you are increasing the chance it could split during intercourse.

Funky Condom sells a range of condoms in large sizes. Our collection includes Durex XXL, Pasante King Size and Trojan Magnum.

Many of our products, including EXS Magnum Large and Lifestyles King Size XL, can be ordered individually so you can try a few out for size before committing to buying a larger pack.

When were condoms invented?

Condoms are older than you think with historians believing men have been using them to prevent pregnancy for hundreds, if not thousands, of years.

No one knows exactly when the first condom was invented. Evidence of early condom use is sketchy but many people think that ancient people used sheaths on their penises as a form of birth control and some even believe they are depicted in ancient cave paintings in Les Combarelles in France, which date back between 10,000 and 13,000 years.

Archaeologists have found condoms made using animal membranes dating back to around 1640. One of these ancient examples, discovered in Sweden, was made from a pig’s intestine and was found with an illuminating instruction manual written in Latin.

Back in the 17th century, condoms were re-used again and again and were viewed purely as a way of preventing an unplanned pregnancy. However, there must have been some awareness of sexually-transmitted diseases as the condom’s instructions advise washing the device in warm milk in between uses to try and stop the spread of infection.

Condoms from the time of the English Civil War were uncovered in the foundations of Dudley Castle and were made from animal and fish intestines. They were believed to have been used by soldiers fighting for King Charles I.

The use of condoms became more widespread in the 18th century but this form of contraception attracted opponents as well as fans. In 1708, John Campbell, the second Duke of Argyll, unsuccessfully fought to have them made illegal.

And in 1717, Daniel Turner, a prominent doctor, complained that condoms encouraged men to have sex with multiple women but did not protect them against the spread of syphilis.

However, modern manufacturing techniques have seen condoms become safer and more reliable than ever before. The origins of the condom we know and use today dates back to the moment Charles Goodyear invented the rubber vulcanisation process in 1839.

His breakthrough saw the first rubber condom produced in 1855 and companies started creating the contraceptive devices using mass production techniques. At this point, condoms were still reusable items and many people still continued to use products made from animal skin as they were cheaper and offered greater sensitivity.

Further advances were made in 1912 when German manufacturer Julius Fromm came up with the idea of making condoms by dipping glass moulds into a rubber solution. When latex was invented in 1920, condoms became more like the products we know and love today and were more affordable as well as disposable.

Safety testing for condoms was introduced in the 1930s after a biochemist carried out an experiment with 2,000 condoms in 1935 and found that 60% of them leaked when filled with water. Then in 1957, Durex invented the world’s first lubricated condom.

Since then condom manufacturers have been finding more and more ways to make condoms thinner, safer and more pleasurable to use. Check out some of the different varieties available today in Funky Condom’s online store.

Do condoms prevent HIV?

Condoms are the only form of contraception which offers protection against HIV.

If used correctly, condoms are effective at preventing the spread of HIV and are the best way to protect yourself from this virus and other sexually-transmitted infections. However, there is always a slight risk that a condom could split or slip during intercourse.

Using condoms will not offer you complete protection against a sexually-transmitted disease which is something to bear in mind if you are having sex with a partner you know is HIV positive. However, the failure rate is low and condoms offer the safest way of having sex with someone who may have HIV or another sexually-transmitted infection.

There are a number of ways you can make sure the sex you’re enjoying is as safe as it can be.

1. Check your condom is in date – All condoms have an expiry date so if you’ve had one hanging around in your wallet or bedside drawer for a while, make sure it isn’t past its use-by date before you use it.

2. Look for the European CE mark - All condoms sold by Funky Condom go through a strict set of tests to ensure they meet safety standards and are suitable for use. There are a number of symbols which indicate whether a condom meets a high benchmark for safety including the European CE mark and the British Kitemark.

3. Never re-use a condom – Don’t be tempted to use a condom again even if you didn’t ejaculate into it. Always use a new condom every time you have sex and put it on before you have any sexual contact.

4. Make sure your lubricant is water-based – Oil-based lubricants can actually increase the risk of your condom breaking so only ever use a water-based lube.

5. Withdraw as soon as you climax – Once you’ve come, it’s time to leave. Withdraw from your partner straight after you orgasm and hold your condom so it doesn’t slip off. Dispose of your used condom carefully after use.

How to use lube

Lube isn’t just for people who are a bit dry down below.

Using lubricant can add a new dimension to your sex life and heighten pleasure both for you and your partner. Lube makes sex more comfortable with smoother and easier penetration and heightened sensation.

As well as adding it your condom, you can use your lubricant to give your partner a sensual massage and get both of you in the mood for more.

Here’s the Funky Condom guide on how to use lube:

1. Choose the right lube for you

When it comes to lube, you’re spoilt for choice. There are lubes which warm, lubes which cool and ones which will make you tingle in all the right places. You can also buy flavoured lubricants as well as natural products which will soothe sensitive skin. To find the one you love the most, you might need to experiment and try some out. Water-based lubes are usually the best to choose as they are safe to use with condoms.

2. Keep it handy

Store your lube somewhere handy where you can get to it quickly when your passion is running high. If you’re likely to be making love in the bedroom then your bedside drawer is probably ideal. The last thing you want is for the mood to be lost while one of you goes off to hunt for lubricant.

3. Warm it in your hand

Put a coin-sized dollop on the palm of your hand and then rub your hands together to warm the lube up. You may want to apply it to the penis first before adding a drop into the condom and then spreading more lubricant onto the condom itself.

4. Try other pleasure spots

Don’t be afraid to use lube on other parts of the body. Smoothing lube into each other’s erogenous zones is great foreplay and can make sex even more pleasurable and exciting.

5. Add more if you need to

If you’re enjoying a marathon sex session, you might need to add some more lube as you go. Just stop for a moment, pull out and add a little more lube before going back to business. Just make sure you don’t apply too much as you want sex to be slippery and sensual rather than sloppy.

How condoms are made

When you use condoms, you are trusting them with your sexual health but how are they made?

The exact process will vary depending on the manufacturer but all the condoms sold by Funky Condom follow a strict set of procedures to ensure they meet international safety standards.

The following steps are used by Durex to make its latex condoms but other firms may follow a similar process:

1. Chemicals are added to the latex to make it strong and durable. It is then heated to reduce the risk of causing an allergic reaction and to increase its reliability. The latex is then tested.

2. The latex is moved into large storage tanks which are temperature controlled.

3. A line of clean glass formers are then dipped into the tanks so they become coated with a thin layer of latex. They are then dipped a second time before going through a hot oven so it hardens and sets.

4. The condoms are then removed from the glass formers and washed before pharmacologically-safe powders are added.

5. Durex then store their latex condoms for two days to allow the material to mature.

6. The condoms are put through an electronic testing machine which checks each item thoroughly for any flaws, imperfections or holes.

7. The condoms are then put into a machine which carefully inserts them into the correct foil packaging.

8. If the condom is flavoured or lubricated, the lube or flavouring is injected into the packaging at this stage of the manufacturing process.

9. The foil packaging is sealed using heat and marked with an individual batch number and expiry date.

10. The individual condoms are then put into boxes, ready to be sold.

Durex also carries out a number of tests to make sure its products meet safety standards. As well as electronic testing which is carried out on every single condom it produces, more than two million condoms each month are filled with water and suspended for a minute to check there are no leaks. A sample is taken from each batch to identify any potential problems and if any of the condoms fail a test, they are all thrown away.

A sample of condoms is also inflated with air to check their strength and elasticity. Each month this test is carried out on around 500,000 condoms every month.

What condom size am I?

What condom size am I?
It’s easy to be fooled into thinking that condoms are a one-size-fits-all kind of product.

But there’s no need to suffer wearing a condom which is tight or uncomfortable. And wearing a condom which is too loose increases the risk that it may slip off during sex.

Luckily, condoms come in different sizes and styles to suit your shape. While regular condoms are likely to fit most men, you may want to try another kind on for size.

When it comes to finding out your condom size, girth matters more than length. Measure the circumference of your penis using a tape measure.

Remember to measure your penis while it is erect as that is the size it will be during sex. Loop the tape measure around your penis at its thickest point before taking note of the measurement.

As a general rule, if the circumference of your penis is less than 119mm (4.7 inches), you may find you prefer the feel of a closer-fitting condom like Lifestyles Snugger Fit or EXS Snug Fit. Regular-sized condoms are perfect for those with a circumference between 119 and 130mm (4.7-5.1 inches).

And if your girth has measured more than 130mm (5.1 inches), a larger condom may well suit you best. Funky Condom stocks a number of larger condoms including Durex XXL and Trojan Magnum.

You might think that wearing the right size condom doesn’t really matter. But research shows that picking a condom which is too big or small can cause it to slip off or split.

Men are more likely to pick a condom which is too large for them because they are embarrassed about looking for a smaller-fitting condom while they are out shopping. By buying condoms online from Funky Condom, you can spare your blushes and spend time browsing the site for a product which is right for you.

What is a condom?

What is a condom?

Condoms are a form of barrier contraception which prevent unwanted pregnancy and the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases.

While there are many different condoms available, the basic principle is the same. Male condoms are worn on the penis and stop semen from coming into contact with your sexual partner.

There are also female condoms, which are pouches worn inside the vagina and inserted before sex. Like male condoms, they stop sperm and semen from entering the vagina and can also be used during anal sex.

Most condoms are made using latex, although there are alternatives available for those who suffer from a latex allergy. Funky Condom sells a range of non-latex condoms, including those made from polyurethane which is strong, durable and effective at transferring heat giving a sexual experience which feels authentic.

Condoms are the only form of contraception which offers protection against sexually-transmitted diseases like HIV, chlamydia and gonorrhoea as well as unwanted pregnancy. They are 98% effective against pregnancy if used properly.

It may take a while for you to find the perfect condom for you but you can have lots of fun while you try some out.

As well as regular condoms there are a number of other styles including:

• Textured condoms – Ribbed or dotted, textured condoms are designed to heighten pleasure for your partner and stimulate their erogenous zones during intercourse

• Utra-thin condoms – These condoms are thinner than usual, allowing the wearer to feel more during sex so it is a more natural experience

• Flavoured condoms –
Often used during oral sex, these condoms are also safe for vaginal and anal intercourse. They come in a wide variety of flavours so you can choose one that satisfies your appetite.

• Coloured condoms – Put some colour into your sex life with condoms in a wide variety of shades. From sleek and stylish black to novelty glow-in-the-dark condoms, the choice is yours.

• Irregular sizes – If you’re bigger or smaller than average, you can find a condom which fits you like a glove. From snug fit condoms to XXL sizes, Funky Condom will stock a condom to suit you.

• Extra safe condoms - Slightly thicker than standard condoms, these come with extra lubricant and are designed for people who are particularly concerned with their sexual safety.

• Climax delay condoms – Some condoms come with a special lubricant inside the sheath which temporarily dulls sensation and delays ejaculation. Designed to extend lovemaking, these are ideal for people who want to last a little bit longer between the sheets.

How effective are condoms?

When you use a condom, you want to know that it is safe and effective.

The good news is that statistics show that they are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. This means there is still a small chance you could become pregnant when using condoms but the odds are massively stacked in your favour.

To put this into context, no method of contraception is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy except for swearing off sex altogether. And condoms are the only way you can protect yourself from sexually-transmitted infections so are essential if you are sleeping with more than one person or have a new sexual partner.

If you’re just looking to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, there are a number of other choices available but some are less effective than condoms while others can cause unpleasant side effects.

They include:

Contraceptive cap – a silicone cap which women can insert into their vagina to stop sperm reaching their cervix – 92-96% effective

• Diaphagm – This works in a similar way to the cap but needs to be used with a spermicide – 92-96% effective

• The pill – This is an oral contraception which is taken by the woman to stop her ovaries releasing eggs each month. Some people may suffer side effects including mood swings and headaches – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive implant – This is an implant which is inserted into a woman’s arm and uses the hormone progestogen to stop the release of eggs. It lasts three years but it can cause a loss of sex drive, headaches, nausea or acne for the first few months – more than 99% effective

• Contraceptive injection – There are three types of injection which can stop a woman getting pregnant for eight, 12 or 13 weeks, depending on which type you have. It can cause weight gain, headaches and mood swings in some people – more than 99% effective

• IUD/coil – The coil is inserted into a woman’s womb and stops sperm and eggs surviving so a fertilised egg will not implant. They last between five to 10 years but there is a risk of infection and the woman’s body can expel the coil - more than 99% effective

These other forms of contraception all rely on the woman taking steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy while condoms can be carried by either partner to ensure they are protected during sex.

What is lube?

Lube is short for lubricant, which is often used to make sex more comfortable and enjoyable.
Many of the condoms sold by Funky Condom are already lubricated but you might choose to add some additional lubricant to heighten pleasure. Lube is smooth and slippery and reduces friction so it is ideal for people suffering from vaginal dryness.
However, lubricant is also a good idea even if you or your partner don’t experience any dryness. It heightens sensation and makes penetration easier so it reduces the risk of becoming sore even after a long and rigorous session between the sheets.
There are several types of lube available on the market – water, oil, silicone and petroleum. Water-based lubricants are safe to use with all types of condom so are usually the safest choice.
If you use latex condoms, stay away from oil and petroleum-based lubricants as they can cause the material to deteriorate and may make your contraception less effective. Water-based lubes are also easier to wash off than silicone-based lubricants and it won’t stain your clothes or bedding.
If you or your partner are prone to suffering from thrush, try to choose a lubricant which is made without glycerin as the sugar in glycerin can make yeast infections worse.
You can apply lubricant directly to the penis and also the condom. If you’re having sex without a condom, lubricant is a great way of ensuring a smooth and enjoyable experience.
When you’re using condoms, you can add a drop of lube to the inside to enhance pleasure and also apply it to the outside to reduce friction. If you start to feel dry during sex, you can reapply lubricant as many times as you want but try not to put too much on as if things are too slippery between the sheets it could stop you climaxing.
Funky Condom sells some condoms which are designed to delay ejaculation. These contain a special climax-control lubricant which temporarily numbs the penis allowing sex to last longer.

Do condoms work?

Yes, condoms work and are the only way you can protect yourself from both sexually-transmitted infections and an unplanned pregnancy.

If a condom is used properly, it will be effective 98% of the time and even when mistakes are made or the condom has split, it will still prevent pregnancy on 82% of occasions. To make sure your condom works as it should, make sure you put in correctly.

Check your condom is not inside out – it should look like a small pointy hat with the peak pointing away from your penis. The rim should be on the outside and the condom should roll down easily on an erect penis.

If you are struggling to unroll it, it may be inside out. In this case, the safest thing to do is to throw it out and use another one.

Condoms are an effective method of birth control but they also prevent the spread of a number of diseases including HIV, chlamydia and gonorrhoea. If you have sex with a partner who has herpes or genital warts, it is still possible to catch the infection if you come into contact with areas of infected skin.

Using condoms also helps prevent the spread of the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is extremely common in the UK and those with it often don’t suffer from any symptoms. HPV can increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical cancer.

Make sure you buy condoms which have been safety tested and purchase them from a reliable retailer like Funky Condom. Once you have your condoms, store them in a cool, dark place.

Storing them in direct sunlight or in a warm, humid environment could cause damage and make your condom less effective. If your condom seems dry, stiff or unusually sticky, then throw it away and use another one.

Are condoms safe?

Condoms are the only contraception which offer protection against the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs).

Although using condoms is the safest way to have sex, no method of contraception is completely effective, apart from celibacy. As abstinence is not most people’s cup of tea, condoms offer a convenient and simple way of protecting your sexual health and preventing pregnancy.

When used correctly, condoms are 98% effective. There is a small chance your condom could slip off or break during intercourse. If this happens, it may be a good idea to visit a sexual health clinic or your GP for emergency contraception to prevent an unplanned pregnancy or to be tested for a sexually-transmitted infection.

At Funky Condom, we want our customers to enjoy sex without worrying about pregnancy or disease. Here are our top tips on making sure your condom is safe:

• Check the expiry date – condoms become less effective once they are past their use-by date so make sure yours have not expired before you use them.

• Store them properly – Keep your condoms in a cool dry place as keeping them in hot, humid conditions can dry them out and increase the risk of them splitting during intercourse.

• Do not open condom wrappers with scissors or your teeth – Take care when you open a condom wrapper so you do not tear it.

• Don’t use oil-based products with latex condoms – Using oil-based lubricants or products like moisturisers or Vaseline can make latex condoms less safe. If you really want to use these products, choose a polyurethane condom instead.

• Use a water-based lubricant – Using a water-based lubricant can reduce the risk of a condom splitting.

• Never try to use a condom more than once – Once a condom has been used, wrap it up and throw it away. It is not safe to use a condom again.

• Do not use spermicidal lubricant – Spermicides are chemicals which kill sperm and used to be a popular lubricant added to condoms. While it is still available, research has now found that spermicide is not effective at preventing sexually-transmitted infections and could actually increase the risk of catching a disease.

What should I do if I have used an expired condom?

If you discover you have used an expired condom after intercourse, don’t panic. Although condoms do expire, they don’t stop working as soon as they are past their use-by date.

Using an expired condom will still have given you more protection than using no condom at all. Check whether the condom has split and if it has remained intact, simply check the expiry date of any remaining condoms and replace any which are out of date.

If your condom has split and you are worried about an unwanted pregnancy, you can use emergency contraception. The morning-after pill can be bought from most pharmacies and is also available for free from your GP or sexual health clinic.

There are two types of emergency contraceptive pill – Levonelle, which must be taken within 72 of unprotected sex and ellaOne, which should be taken within 120 hours of intercourse. Women can also have an intrauterine device (IUD) inserted into their uterus within five days of sex to prevent pregnancy.

If you are concerned about your sexual health, consult your doctor or visit a specialist clinic.

Do condoms expire?

All condoms have an expiry date and it’s important to check whether yours is still in date before you use it.
But don’t worry if you’ve just bought a pack, most condoms will last for a long time before they expire. However, if you haven’t been sexually active for a while or you have found a packet of condoms you’d forgotten about, it is worth checking they are not past their shelf life.
Most condoms will expire between two to five years from the date of purchase. Almost all condoms will have their expiry date printed in their individual foil wrappers as well as the box they came in. Once they have passed their expiry date, they will start to weaken and may become less flexible. This will increase the risk of the condom splitting during intercourse which could lead to an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually-transmitted infection.
It is also important to make sure your condom is stored properly. Keep your condoms in a cool, dark place to ensure it remains effective – a bedroom drawer is ideal and a better choice than a bathroom cabinet where your condoms may be exposed to warm, humid conditions.
Even if your condom has not expired, do not use it if it feels stiff or dry. This can happen when a condom is not stored properly and will reduce its effectiveness.

How to put on a condom

Putting on a condom is simple but it’s important to get it right.

Not putting a condom on properly could stop it being effective and lead to an unplanned pregnancy or sexually-transmitted infection.

Here’s how to put on a condom in three easy steps:

1. Open the foil wrapper but be careful not to tear the condom inside – do not cut the packaging with scissors. If you’ve had the condom a while, check the expiration date before you use it.

2. If your condom has a reservoir tip, pinch the tip to make sure no air is trapped inside and place it against the tip of your erect penis.

3. Roll the condom down along the shaft of your penis, making sure there are no air bubbles.

Make sure your condom is the right way round before putting it on. The rim should be on the outside so the condom resembles a little pointy hat and it should unroll easily. If you do put the condom on inside out, take it off and use a new one - don’t be tempted to just put the same condom on the right way round as it may already contain some sperm.

Once your condom is on, you may want to add some extra lubrication. Applying additional water-based lubricant can make sex more comfortable and it also reduces the risk of the condom splitting and increases sensitivity.

When using a condom, you need to make sure you put it on before your erect penis touches your partner’s vagina, anus or mouth as your penis can often release pre-ejaculatory fluid, sometimes known as pre-cum, during foreplay.

Make sure your condom stays rolled down on the shaft of your penis throughout and hold the condom at the base when you pull out to ensure it doesn’t slip off. Tie a knot in the condom to make sure none of the sperm comes out and dispose of it as soon as you can.

I Went to Ibiza and all I Got was this Lousy STD

The summer holiday season is just about over, but a new season could be just beginning…the season of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Yes, thousands of Britain’s will be swapping the departure lounge for GUM clinic waiting room after being tremendously irresponsible abroad.

A survey of 3,000 individuals, carried out by the Co-operative Pharmacy, found that 1 in 3 people had unprotected sex with a new partner, while they were away on holiday. You would be wrong to think that this daft behaviour was saved for just the young and inexperienced in ways of life – A hefty 1 in 6 people in their 50’s would have a holiday fling or one night stand. The middle-aged participants of the survey were also the least likely to use contraception with a new partner…Tut Tut.

Additionally, One in 10 of those questioned said they had had unprotected sex because they were drunk while a fifth said they had done so because they did not have any condoms to hand. One in eight of the women questioned said they felt too embarrassed to ask about contraception when they were with a new partner.

Sexual health agencies are urging holiday makers to pack condoms before they set off on holiday, as some condoms available abroad don’t always comply with the relevant European health, safety and environmental protection laws. All our condoms here at Funky Condoms are CE marked so make sure you stock up if you are heading away on a late holiday.

Why don’t you try out Pasante Tropical Flavoured Condoms to give you holiday something extra fruity - With a choice of creamy coconut, yummy mango and tasty pineapple you wont even need to leave your hotel room to get a taste of something exotic. Be safe when you travel abroad and be sure to seek medical advice if you do end up having unprotected sex for whatever reason.

Grievous Bodily Herpes

In a week full of convictions for the callous rioters that ripped through the streets of England last week, news was released of an altogether more bizarre and ground-breaking conviction. Traffic officer, David Golding was jailed for 14 months for passing on the sexually transmitted infection herpes to his girlfriend.

In the first ever case where an individual has been jailed for passing on herpes during the hearing in which the 29-year-old admitted causing grievous bodily harm by giving the infection to his then partner, Cara Lee, 23. Northampton Crown Court heard that Golding had kept his infection a secret during the couple’s relationship in 2009. After finding out she had been infected in March of 2010, Ms Lee moved out and reported Golding to the police.’.

Judge Michael Fowler told Golding: ‘Because it was in a relationship, it was particularly mean and one which amounted to a betrayal – a betrayal in a relationship in which you professed love…The injury you caused by this infection is at least or more serious than an injury leaving a scar because it carries continued recurrence, extreme discomfort and consequences for relationships she will have in the future.’

But sexual health experts and charities have called the decision to imprison him ‘outrageous’. Sexual health experts said herpes was not serious enough to amount to grievous bodily harm under the Offences Against The Person Act and will further stigmatise herpes.

Dr Colm O’Mahoney, sexual health consultant at the Countess of Chester Hospital said: ‘This is outrageous. Will children now be prosecuted for “giving” their friends chickenpox? Most people who have genital herpes don’t know it because, even if they do get recurrences, it is such a trivial genital infection that they don’t notice it.’

In Britain, about 6million people have genital herpes and up to 40million may have picked up herpes simplex (a cold sore) on the face. If you don’t want to end up like the unfortunate Mr Golding, be safe and use this week’s ‘Condom of the Week’ when having sex. This week I have chosen Durex Extra Sensitive Condoms, these condoms are feather-light to give you an intimate and natural experience.

Virgin on the Ridiculous

My first sexual experience was not a pleasant one. My boyfriend at the time was not a virgin and so gave little consideration that I was one. How can I say this the best way? Okay, it was like a child trying to fit his little square block into the tubs circular hole. After a five minutes of banging against the wrong opening and finding the others not that receptive either, they just take the lid off the tub and angrily rams his square in there.

Yes, my first time was awkward, embarrassing and a bit more painful than I would like and I think maybe it was because my impatient partner didn’t know how to have sex with virgin. This made me very unwilling to have sex with him again, so (here is where you get your violins out) he cheated on me and we broke up. I wasn’t particularly bothered because after my first time fiasco I swore I was never gonna bother having sex again. If that was what all the fuss was about then they could keep it. If I wanted to have 10 crap and unsatisfying minutes I could just watch Antiques Road Show.

Thankfully, I found the joys of sex once again, but it may not have been so difficult for me if my first time partner was more considerate having sex with a virgin. So for anyone out there who will be having sex with a virgin girl I have a few tips for you.

1.) DON’T FORCE IT: There is a reason your partner is a virgin, she is obviously waiting for the right person and even if it is an outdated view in today’s society, it is still her choice. Pressuring her into having sex will make her feel cornered and trapped. Prince Charming never forced himself up against Cinderella and asked her for a quickie in the palace coat room did he? So be patient.

2.) DON’T JUMP STRAIGHT IN: Don’t go putting your hand down her pants before your even anywhere near the bedroom as that is sure to put her on edge. Try and make her as relaxed as possible. A massage is a good idea, but remember there are more places to massage other than the arse and tits.

3.) TALK TO HER: Make sure you know what she is comfortable with before you proceed to full sex. It might be a bit much to expect entrance through the back door, but don’t expect her to want it only in missionary with the lights off. You wont know unless you ask.

4.) BE WILLING TO STOP: It might be looking like the deed is going to happen, but remember it’s a women’s prerogative to change her mind. She may find that she isn’t ready after all. Additionally, you may find that during the act she may need to stop or need a break. Even fully relaxed, the first time can be painful and uncomfortable and it may become overwhelming even a tad frightening so be sensitive to that.

5.) BE SAFE: It is going to be a total bummer if on her first time you give your girlfriend a sexual transmitted disease, and even worse if you go and get her pregnant. So don’t be silly and wrap up your willy, which leads us to ‘Condom of the Week’ time. This week I have chosen Durex Maximum Love Condoms – with extra lubrication they should be a good choice.

I know if may seem that I have left out how to have sex with a virgin male, so here it is…don’t expect it to last to long!

Is Mills & Boon a Danger to Your Sex Life?

It is a strange thing to ask, but the raunchy novels you associate with your nan (gross I know) might be having a negative impact on your love life. According to the Journal of Family Planning and Reproductive Health Care, steamy stories like those from Mills and Boon should come with a health warning. The journal article claims that romance novels are somewhat to blame for unprotected sex, unwanted pregnancies, unrealistic sexual expectations and relationship breakdowns. I assume they have caused a catastrophic increase in the cases of burning loins, particularly in barns.

In the latest edition of the journal, psychologist Susan Quilliam says that in the more standard romance novels sees the “heroine being rescued from danger by the hero, and then abandoning herself joyfully to a life of intercourse-driven multiple orgasms and endless trouble-free pregnancies in order to cement their marital devotion"…completely unrealistic.

According to Quilliam, a large number of issues seen in therapy rooms are influenced by romantic fiction. She believes that romantic fiction readers are more likely to ignore rationality in favour or romanticism…idiots. This could lead readers not to use contraceptive because they wan to get swept up in the moment.

I know the topless landscaper rarely (if ever) pauses to put on a condom before he takes the frustrated golf widow in the rough, but it’s just silly not to wrap up your willy. So don’t be like Stavros, the STD riddled landscaper and use a condom. This leads us on to the regular feature, ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have went for EXS Max Protection Condoms - Not only do they offer you extra protection, they are also completely odourless for a more pleasant and less distracting experience.

Rules of Engagement

We have all heard the saying ‘Two’s Company Three’s a Crowd’. For a lot of situations this is true, such as a tandem bike ride, camping in a two-man tent or having a go on a see-saw. But the ‘three’s a crowd’ rule doesn’t have to apply to the bedroom. Yes I’m talking about threesomes and as De La Soul said ‘three, that’s the magic number’.

However, there are some rules and distinct etiquette that should be followed when considering or engaging in a threesome. It really is not ok to present yourself naked with the willing third party on the sofa as you wait for you unaware partner coming back from her reccy for a pint of milk…you might find yourself wearing it. SO what rules should you follow when it comes to a three-way? Well that’s what I’m here for, to help you.

COMMUNICATE: I know it may seem pretty obvious, but you will be surprised at how little couples actually communicate. Don’t let embarrassment stop you saying something that you find yourself wishing you had revealed standing naked before the bed. Also make sure you discuss what is okay for your partner to do and what isn’t okay to do. Like a lady of the night often won’t engage in passionate kissing because it is too personal, you may not want your partner to do the same. Or maybe your partner does a special move just for you that always finishes you mortal combat style and you don’t want them using it on anyone else.

DON’T BE AN IDIOT: Whatever you do, make sure the majority of your time is spent on your current partner. You absolutely do not want to turn over and realise your other half has left the room completely and you might find your clothes on fire or that your body wash had received a hefty does of chilli powder. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and appreciate how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you think a dummy might be in danger of being epically spat out, don’t do it.

STAY ACTIVE: If you find yourself not being the main focus of attention for a few moments, don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs, maybe get out a game of sudoku…stay involved. Touch her, touch him or touch yourself…there is so many things right there for the grabbing it would be a real shame if just one of your hands were empty.

DON’T BE SELFISH: If you climax first, don’t just roll over and have a little nap, help to please the other participants. It might be slightly awkward if the other two are trying to keep things going but are getting interrupted by your snoring.

BE SAFE: The most important rule of them all especially with all those genitals and accompanying fluids flying around. Although it may be hard to remember you should use one hand to stimulate one partner and the other hand to stimulate the other partner. And you must, must, must use a separate condom, femidom or dental dam when having penetrative sex with the separate partners. So ‘Condom of the Week’ time and this week I have chosen Night Light Glow Condoms which are some spectacularly fun glow in the dark condoms.

Good News Everyone

Finally it seems like some of you guys out there are no longer being silly and wrapping up your willy and some of you gals are no longer pulling stupid stunts and protecting your…well you know where I’m going with that. Earlier this week the Health Protection Agency announced that, for the first time in a decade, there has been a drop in the number of new sexually transmitted infections in England.

Hurray, you dirty dogs are finally being a little bit more responsible instead of dipping your dipstick in any old oil well without even wiping it off or knowing the last time the oil was changed (how is that for a metaphor). The Health Protection Agency says although the reduction is small - only 1% down from the 424,782 cases diagnosed in 2009 - it is still a significant step in the right direction.

So down to the nitty gritty…here are the stats:

• CHLAMYDIA: For the first time in a decade the rates of Chlamydia remain stable with 189,612 newly diagnosed cases last year. Additionally, more young people aged 15-24 were going in for Chlamydia screening with 2.2million being carried out in England last year, an increase of 196,500 from the previous year.

• GENITAL WARTS: New cases of genital warts were down by 3%...good news because that s**t is with you for life.

• SYPHILIS: Cases of one of the more exotic STIs, syphilis were down a pretty impressive 8% on the previous year.

• GONORRHOEA and HERPES: Unfortunately levels for both of these STIs were up in 2010. Gonorrhoea went up by 3% from 15,978 diagnoses in 2009 to 16,531 in 2010 and genital herpes increased by 8% from 27,564 to 29,703.

Unsurprisingly, young people under the age of 25 remain the group experiencing the highest rates of STIs overall.To reduce the risk of STIs, experts (and myself) advise using a condom when having sex with a new partner for the first time and continue to do so until both parties have been screened.

So this brings us nicely to Condom of the Week and this week I have chosen Trojan Ultra Ribbed Condoms. With gentle raised banding in all the right places, these condoms are guaranteed to give pleasure all round.

Forget Deep Blue, It’s All About Deep Throat

Here is the techno-crazed 21st Century robots are common place – whether it be a little sweet (yet mostly useless) robot that whizzes around your floor hovering up all your debris, a heroic robot that helps the military to disarm bombs, or a rather large super sophisticated robot(ish) known as deep throat that only plays chess. Deep Blue plays chess pretty damn well, in fact I think it is almost unbeatable, but get out a game of monopoly and it will be stripped to its circuit boards and begging you to let him pay for his rent on Marleybone Station with it’s CPU (I think that’s a computer/robot thing).

Well forget vacuuming robots and forget Deep Blue its all about the deep throat now…and I don’t mean the famous informant who provided information to the Washington Post ultimately leading to the uncovering of the Watergate Scandal. What people want from their robots these days is not a challenging game of chess it’s a good old seeing too.

There is a growing trend for sex robots especially in the US and China, which has led to Chinese company, The Love Sex Company, to create an ultra realistic sex doll that can (creepily) recognize and talk with its owner. At a whopping £3000, they doll is aimed at affluent businessmen and executives who are too busy to find and meet ‘real’ women.

At 5 feet, 5 inches the robot is constructed on a metal skeleton and has real feeling silicon gel skin and muscles. The physical aspects of the doll, such as face and figure, can be customised to fit the preferences of the buyer. Additionally, the robot has face recognition technology to identify its owner and can ‘converse’ in a number of languages.

Like most men want, this lady comes with a remote controls. Although you can’t use the remote to get her to shut her mush when you’re watching the football or to fetch you beer after beer, you can use it to get your sex-bot into a number of different sexual positions and make various parts of her body vibrate.

As sophisticated as this robot seems, it’s just a little bit creepy to substitute a real relationship for a relationship with a robot. But different strokes (literally) for different folks. If you’re curious about a sex dolls check out the variety of Female Love Dolls we have available here at Funky Condom. We have something for every taste and every price range so check them out.

Dark Age Education

I was shocked by the news that surfaced from Florida this morning. Apparently, 13 groups will receive a $150,000 grant form Florida’s Department of Health to promote and teach the state’s teen abstinence program. The program will ‘teach’ (more like preach I think) that abstinence is the only sure way to “avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems” and that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects”. Excuse my language when I say BOLLOCKS.

Abstinence programs are stuck very much in the dark ages as well as not being particularly effective. Tell a teenager not to do something, and what do you think the first thing they are going to do is? And take George (cuckoo-banana) Bush’s abstinence programs in Africa to reduce the spread of AIDS…well thanks to Bush AIDS levels have never been higher, yay for abstinence!!

It seems to me that these $150,000 grants would be much better served in offering teenagers realistic advice about safe sex instead of hinting that sex is something dirty (I mean it can be dirty, filthy even, but only in a good way). That money should be used to provide teenagers with the knowledge and even the means to have safe sex, if and when they choose to have sex. Get with the program Florida.

Of course it is important to have sex only when you are ready and of consenting age. So when you do choose to have sex make sure you’re doing it safely and use one of my many ‘Condom of the Week’ selections. This week I have chosen Beyond Seven Condoms Lubricated With Aloe ; sometimes sex, particularly first time sex, can cause discomfort, but these condoms have a generous coating of lube that contains natural aloe extract to soothe that discomfort.

Record Breakers

I’m sure at some point during your nocturnal activities, you have thought that was the best sex ever or I’m harder than anyone has ever been or even that was the longest orgasm ever. Well you could be right as we enter the wonderfully weird world of sex records. So the next time you get down to the nitty gritty maybe keep a stopwatch or a tape measure handy and see if you can beat some of these guys and gals. Although some of these records (it should be obvious which) I do not recommend you try at home.

1.) BIGGEST AND SMALLEST PENIS: Although size technically doesn’t matter, it doesn’t stop the curiosity about who is hung like a horse and who is hung like a wasp.
• BIGGEST: The biggest medically verified penis sets is a whopping 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches wide, measured in the early 20th century by a Dr. Robert L. Dickenson (yes that is really his name). I hope his wife knew yoga.
• SMALLEST: The smallest penis ever recorded sets was measured at just 1cm long. There are some medical conditions that can result in a small penis. One example is where most of the penis actually resides inside the body, known as a micro-penis.

2.) EJACULATION RECORDS: All I can say is you might want to get out of the way of some of these guys and gals, or you might get hit with some friendly fire.
• FURTHEST: The furthest male ejaculation ever recorded was 18 feet and Horst Schultz and the farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet.
• SEMEN SWALLOWED: I know it’s not the most pleasant thing to mention but I’m going to anyway. The most semen swallowed was Michelle Monahan of L.A., swallowed 1.7 pints of semen and had to get her stomach pumped. What did she do, go on a bender at a sperm bank?

3.) MOST SEXUAL PARTNERS IN ONE DAY: I don’t know where they get the energy or how they avoid the chafing.
• WOMAN: The woman to set the world record for most sexual partners in one day shagged an astonishing 620 men in 24 hours; that’s 26 and hour or one man every and a bit minutes (poor show on the staying power boys)
• MAN: Jon Dough, a male porn star, was supposed to have sex with 101 women in one day, but only managed to do 52; he did the others two weeks later.

4.) MOST PENIS REMOVALS: Some guys have a weird way of celebrating victory. In 1300 BC, King Menephta came home from battle after successfully beating the Libyans and to celebrate his big win, he asked his men to chop off the penises of each member of the defeated army. He arrived home with 13,000 penises.

So anyway, if you fancy going for some records of your own, we have plenty of products here at Funky Condom, be it condoms, lubrications or toys, to help you be a record breaker.

The More You Know

Even after ten plus years as a sexually active heterosexual female, the male penis is still a bit of a mystery to me. As wonderful and necessary as they are, I have to admit I find them a tad weird, just stuck on there like they are. Still, even though (to me) I find a uncircumcised flaccid penis, looks a little bit like a nun in her habit, I still enjoy having them in the world (my boyfriends in particular…way to go buddy).

So I know very little about the human penis, apart from the fact it can be swung around in a rather hilarious manner like a helicopter blade, so I decided to educate myself. Thanks to the wonders of the internet and the wonderful people at the NHS, I found out 4 things about the penis that I think everyone (male, female or other) should know.

1.) THE PENIS IS NOT A MUSCLE: While we have all seen videos of men lifting paint cans with their manhood, but contrary to popular belief the penis is not actually a muscle. In fact it the ‘love muscle’ doesn’t contain any muscles at all, that’s why it is very difficult to move when erect. When a man gets a little bit excited blood flows to two cylinder chambers that causes the penis to swell and stiffen.

2.) PENIS LENGTH IS NOT RELATED TO FOOT SIZE: See a man with size 16 feet and you probably think no wonder he is walking with a limp. Well that limp is probably just the result of a poor muscle; according to a study published in the British Journal of Urology International there was no link between shoe size and penis length, in all age groups.

3.) THE PENIS IS BREAKABLE: I’m sure that statement has a lot of men grabbing their crown jewels in horror, but it’s true, even though there are no bones in the penis it can still be broken. If an erect penis is violently twisted the blood chambers can burst causing rapid and excruciating swelling. Intercourse with the woman on top is believed to cause a third of all causes, when the man slips out of his partner and his penis is violently bent. So be careful there cowgirls.

4.) SMALL PENISES MAKE BIG ERECTIONS: You might be having a cheeky giggle at that small penis now ladies, but it could be the penis that has the last laugh. A study published in the Journal of Sex found that men found that shorter penises increased by 86% when erect, nearly twice that of longer penises (47%).

So now you know all about the penis make sure during sex that you’re not silly and wrap up that willy. This seamlessly leads me seamlessly to ‘Condom of the Week’ and this week I have chosen Crown Colour Condoms; coming in a rainbow of colours to add a little bit of extra fun to those sexy times. They also feature a super smooth water-based lubricant, reservoir tip and provide super sensitivity and safety at a super cheap cost. You wont get them cheaper anywhere else.

Put it Back in Drive!

No matter where we go these days we are confronted by sex, whether it is in a suggestive sausage advert or turning on the TV and watching the umpa lumpas from Geordie Shore eating face (I can take the p**s because I am a Geordie, but I am not orange, an idiot or riddled with disease). So anyway, we are confronted by sex wherever we go so it seems strange to say that many people are suffering from a low sex-drive.

While it’s safe to say sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship it is rather important; nothing will hurt the security of a relationship like a low libido will. It will cause insecurity in your partner and low self esteem with yourself. But if you do have a low sex drive you don’t have to put up with it. There are certain factors that contribute to a low sex drive so listen up while I tell you what they are so you know what to avoid.

• Obesity: In overweight men the fat cells produce the female hormone oestrogen, which reduces sex drive. So put down the fork and get on the treadmill.
• Stress: Everyone is so busy and stressed they don’t make time for sex. So leave work at the office now and then and go home and engage in an entirely different kind of ‘business time’.
• Lack of Sleep: Having too little sleep is one of the biggest killers of sex drive so get to bed early a couple of nights a week so you can stay up late the rest of the week.
• Alcohol: Too much alcohol can permanently affect the libido, and not in a good way. An orange juice every now and then has more benefits than just as one of your ‘5-a-day’ if you know what I’m saying.
• Depression: One of the leading hallmarks of depression is a low sex-drive, however anti-depressant medications also have an adverse effect on sex drive. Don’t be shy and visit your doctor to see what can be done to improve the situation.
• Poor Diet: Processed foods are not good for the health in general; they can make you feel sluggish and poorly. Get some good fresh food in you and you will be raring to go.

So follow the advice above and you will be gagging for it, but before you hop in the sack, don’t be silly and wrap your willy. Yes that is right it is time for ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have chosen the Protex 002 Non-Latex; it is one of the world’s thinnest non-latex condom and is made from a material that transfers much more heat during sex than latex. So get that car out of park and get it into drive.

God No!

During times of intimacy, at one time or another you’re sure to have heard the words ‘Oh God…Oh God…Oh God’. If you have never heard those words (or some like it) before then, oh dear! Anyway, as it turns out it seems that God has nothing to do with it baby.

A recent study, carried out by independent researcher and psychologist Dr. Darrel Ray, has claimed that religious people have a poorer sex life than us atheists. Apparently during the study Dr. Ray found that the sex lives of religious people are influenced by guilt, causing their sex lives being unfulfilling compared to non-religious people.

Dr. Ray conducted an online survey (not the most reliable scientific method I have to say…you know what kind of are on the internet) of 14,500 people asking about their sex lives (pervert…just kidding). The participants were mainly atheist or formerly religious individuals who grew up in secular homes. No participants were religious before the study.

The results of the study revealed that almost 50% people claimed that there was an improvement in their sex-lives after they had turned their backs on their religious ways. The study was inspired by the personal experiences of Dr. Ray who abandoned his fundamentalist Christian background and found an improvement in his own sex life. He carried out the study to figure out if there were others with similar experience.

Although the evidence seems convincing, I’m not sure I believe it to be true. It seems to me it could be that Dr. Ray has a problem with religion and the effect it can have on people’s life. So if you are religious, don’t feel guilty about enjoying a healthy sex life. Check out all the products we have available for couples to improve their sex lives and remember if there is a God, he is sure to approve of something as good as sex.

Nut Crushers

We have all seen those nature shows when you see some kind of monkey bash on some nuts with a rather large rock to crush them. Well boys that monkey with the rock is your ridiculous drainpipe jeans and the nuts are, well your nuts.

It’s safe to say your super skinny jeans look completely ridiculous (the skinnier you are the worse they look) I do not want to know that much about a guy I don’t know. I don’t want to be able to count the change in your pockets, know what mobile phone you have and I certainly don’t want to see the detailed outline of your penis and testicles that have been contorted into a bizarre percentage sign by the tight crotch of (what look like your sister’s) jeans.

Not only is it a terrible look, but it can also have some quite serious implications other than clammy balls (eurgh). Now although there is no significant evidence that suggests that tight jeans can have an effect of male fertility and sperm count, there is evidence that is can contribute (or even cause) a nerve condition called meralgia paresthetica. Also known as the ‘tingling thigh syndrome’ because of the prickling, tingling, numbness and/or burning sensations felt throughout the leg, it is caused by pressure on a nerve in the pelvis. The lycra-inserted denim of today’s tight jeans can cut off the sensory nerve that runs from the pelvis surface through the thigh and this can eventually compress the nerve if pressure is continuously put on the thighs.

Eye-wateringly tight pants have been implicated in a whole host of other medical conditions in both men and women, including has bladder infections, vaginal yeast infections, contact dermatitis, and even blood clots in the legs. It can also interfere with motility in the bowels, causing abdominal pain after a meal.

So how about every once in a while you loosing the pressure on your genitals and give them something nice and comfy to wear. So in the case of the men and their poor penises we arrive at ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Durex Natural Feeling Condoms, which are lubricated with an ultra smooth, water soluble lubricant for a comfortable and natural feeling.

Don’t be silly, wrap up your willy (just don’t consistently crush the bejeesus out of it in tight jeans)

That's Magic

About 6 years ago, I dated a magician…yes an actual magician. He was a nice enough chap; polite, considerate and generous (magicians earn a lot more than I thought they would. The guy was incredible with a set of cards; while he was driving down a busy motorway he could get you to select a card, put it back in the pack, through the entire deck at the sunroof and your card would be stuck on the outside of the sunroof…now that’s magic. But when in came to using his magic want (so to speak) he couldn’t conjure up anything special so eventually I created the greatest magic of all when I made him disappear (by that I don’t mean I killed him, I just dumped him).

Now Hitachi, they certainly so know what to do with a magic wand; their world famous and award winning Hitachi Magic Wand Massager is the world number 1 vibrator with many women across the globe having one lovingly stashed under the bed. It delivers strong, throbbing and reliable vibrations to the clitoris. The flexible head and its long arm can be positioned easily between partners or used comfortably alone. Snap on the Gee Whiz for internal vibrations and to tickle your G-spot, or use it on your clitoris for more focused stimulation.

For over 30 years the Hitatchi Magic Wand Massager has been at the forefront of mains powered massagers, even featuring in Sex and the City (where else?). And believe it or not it can actually be also used as an actual massager; the unit measures 12.5 inches, providing a good handle with which to massage over the shoulders and against the back. Hitachi Magic Wand has a shape that makes it perfect for professionals to deliver therapeutic massage without fatigue or to individuals wishing to provide gentle massage within the home.

Now that’s magic.

Sisters Doing if for Themselves

Sometimes men seem to get a bit of a raw deal when it comes to sex. They are expected to have the stamina of a marathon runner, find the (possibly mythical) G-spot while stimulating the clitoris and caress the nipples, and while they are doing all this they are expected to find a free hand to expertly find, unwrap and correctly apply a condom.

So thinking about it, us women can be a bit harsh on men in the bedroom, pouncing on any little mistake. It isn’t fair really. We girls should take some the pressure off the men in our life once in a while.

It seems generally accepted that men should take care of the condom situation, but I say women should take their share of the responsible and use a female condom. Before I researched how they were used, they were a bit of a mystery; I thought it would be like sticking a windsock up inside you and then getting your partner to make love to it.

However, I was wrong; it turns out they are soft and comfortable for both partners and provide superior heat transfer and sensitivity. So now all you need to know is how to use one…here is my step by step guide:

1.) Carefully open the condom package carefully; don’t use your teeth, scissors or a knife, because that’s stupid (if you don’t know why it’s stupid, you definitely should not be having sex).

2.) You will see that the female condom has two rings. The outer ring covers the area around the opening of the vagina. The inner ring is used for insertion and to help hold the sheath in place during intercourse (if you don’t like all this talk of rings, you should absolutely no be having sex).

3.) While holding the Female condom at the closed end, grasp the flexible inner ring and squeeze it with the thumb and second or middle finger so it becomes long and narrow. Now gently insert the flexible inner ring into the vagina and move into position.

4.) Right girls, now you’re gonna have to put your index finger up in there (and don’t complain…you expect your boyfriend to put his penis up in there don’t you?) to push the condom up as far as it will go. Make sure the sheath is not twisted and that the outer ring of the condom is outside the vagina.

5.) You’re now good to go; gently guide your partner’s penis into the opening of the condom because if he enters in the side between the condom and the vaginal wall then you aren’t protected against anything.

6.) To remove the Female condom, twist the outer ring and gently pull the condom out.

There you have it, so women you don’t have any excuse to share your part of the condom responsibility, especially when I tell you that my ‘Condom of the Week’ is the Pasante Female Condom.

Stuffing the Sausage!

You may remember me once telling you about a disasterous sexual encounter in which my partner at the time struggled with each and every aspect of condom application. In case you don’t remember, maybe you would appreciate a little reminder. He desperately tried to chew his way through the cellophane wrapper, spraying the condoms all over the floor, which he had to scramble to pick up. Then he flicked the condom into his own eye for it to land with a damp squib on my naked leg. By the time he could actually have but the condom on it would be like trying to stuff raw sausage meat into a Cadbury’s Fudge wrapper…it isn’t ever gonna stand stiffly on its own.

A lot of people claim that the act of putting a condom on breaks the mood, but getting unintentionally pregnant of catching an STD can ruin the mood for life. So I thought I would give you guys a little tutorial in how to put on a condom, hazard free:
• To start with make sure you are keeping your condoms in a cool, dry pace and make sure they are within the expiration date.

• Make sure the penis is erect because if it isn’t the rest is going to be a giant waste of time. Never use teeth or scissors to break the wrapper as there is a risk of breaking the condom.

• Hold the condom in one hand and the base of the penis with the other (you could get a ‘friend’ in to help at this point). Pull back any extra foreskin back and put the condom on the head of the penis, with the reservoir tip pointing upwards.

• Pinch the reservoir tip, unroll the condom all the way down the penis, and check no air is trapped inside the condom as it may cause it to break.

• If you are using lubrication with a condom, make sure you are using one that is compatible with the condom.

• Remove the mole from the hole immediately after ejaculation. Before withdrawing, grasp the bottom of the condom with your hand and withdraw while holding the penis. You don’t want to leave any men behind.

So now you know the correct way to put a condom on so this leads me nicely on to ‘Condom of the Week’. This week I have went for Pasante Delay Condoms; regular fit condoms and with a special lubricant to help delay orgasms enabling you to give that special someone the best 30 seconds of your life.

Don't Push It

Consider the following:

After some passionate kissing on the sofa, things have migrated to the bedroom. You sensually remove each others clothes and take things to the bed. The kissing resumes, things start to get all hot and heavy and you know you’re in for a good night. Then all of a sudden you feel two hands on the top of your head and you think maybe they are going to run their fingers through your hair just how you like it.

But no, instead you feel an aggressive force pushing your head downwards and before you know it your in a bizarre wrestling match with them pushing your head desperately towards their nether regions while you’re are manically trying to wriggle your way back up their naked chest. Your cheek repeatedly slaps against chest which continues for a few awkward moment before you scream “What the f**k are you doing?”

Has this ever happened to you? Isn’t it annoying? It’s the guy or girl who after a few minutes of kissing is trying to get you to put your lips somewhere else. If you want to receive oral sex there is a better way to go about it than straining all the muscles in your partner’s neck. For starters keep things clean, neat and tidy down there and it will be a lot more inviting. Then don’t be afraid to ask for it, letting your partner know how much they turn you on, but make sure you get the object of your desire all warmed up first, if you know what I mean.

To make the oral experience a whole lot more pleasant for both of you, try using some Head Job Oral Sex Lotion; the wonderful flavour and silky texture will mean oral sex has never been sweeter.

There is Something in the Air Tonight

I’m sure most of you have heard about the World Air Guitar Championship, where fans of music, who can’t be arsed to learn how to play an instrument, prance around on stage like tw*ts, pretending to play one.

Well it the same sort of vein I bring you the Air Sex Championship; held annually in Austin, Texas, competitors get up on stage (usually in not much clothing) and stimulate their favourite sexual positions…solo. Men and women writhe around on stage it what can only can only be loosely termed as their favourite sexual position, to the applause of the horny audience.

Frankly I’ve looked at some of the pictures of some of the competitors and if they came at me with those moves I would think they were trying to buff out a dent in my body work or something. So it made me think; if people in the Air Guitar Championship play air instruments because they can’t be bothered to learn how to play a real one, then do people enter the Air Sex Championship, because they can’t be bothered (or aren’t given the chance because of their creepy air moves) to have real sex?

They really don’t know what they are missing. They should get off the stage and get into the bedroom with a real human being instead of humping the air…idiots. If you still want to look like a fool in the bedroom stick on some Gag Bottom Shorts; perfect for looking like a clown and can double up for a stag or fancy dress night.

Take Note Jamie Oliver

Last week a couple in Burton, Michigan in the US, were arrested for having sex outside a well known fast food American fast food chain, Wendy’s. Police were called to the restaurant after someone inside noticed to couple getting jiggy in the Chevy Astro van in the parking lot…classy. There was no bumper sticker on the fan stating “If the van is rocking, don’t come a knocking”, so police went ahead and arrested the couple.

Burton Det. Shawn Duncanson said when officers arrived they had to order the couple to put their clothes on as they were still naked inside the van. “It happens quite often, but not normally in the daytime,” said Det. Duncanson. What are they putting in the food in that Wendy’s? Are they serving Viagra-laced milkshakes? It seems like the perfect strategy to put people off their fast food; maybe Jamie Oliver has been doing it wrong all this time. Maybe he should get a van, get naked and bounce around in it outside a McDonalds

If you feel like mixing food and sex in a less fattening way and one that probably won’t get you arrested try using some Durex Play Cherry Lubricant. It feels smooth, it tastes sweet and is deliciously fruity and can be used wherever (on the body, not anywhere like Wendy’s) and whenever you like. It is water soluble, safe to use with condoms and vibrators and its twist pump action bottle is great for easy usage. Additionally, it is completely sugar free, so it is a sweet treat that even Jamie Oliver would approve of…tuck in.

Taking Your Orals?

Maybe you are a little bit of a novice when it comes to oral sex and that’s OK, but it means that you could have some inaccurate misconceptions that are stopping you enjoy this wonderful thing to its full potential. As with any sexual act there are positives and negatives and you should be fully educated on these points; sexual health may seem a boring concept, but it is important. So bear with be if you can be bothered and we will get ourselves educated about oral sex.

• In men, oral sex helps to relieve stress and as a result can help the risk of colon cancer.
• The chances of the dreaded premature ejaculation and even more dreaded erectile dysfunction are greatly reduced during the act of oral sex. Woo-hoo.
• According to Associated Press reports (listen up men this one is for you), when women perform fellatio more than two times a week they can swallow semen that may reduce the risk of breast cancer.

• The main negative of oral sex is that there is still a risk of contacting sexually transmitted diseases. Many may think that because genital-genital contact is not involved that there is no risk of infection. So make sure your having safe oral sex.

Any kind of sec your having you should be having it safely, which leads me nicely onto Condom of the Week. This week I have chosen Pasante Cooling Sensation Condoms; they are designed with raised ribs and coated in a special lubricant with cooling effect to increase the intensity of sexual pleasure for both partners. They are suitable for oral, vaginal and anal sex.

Comes Furnished

According to an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, there is a new emerging trend in the sex-toy market. The new market hot-property is sex furniture; now by this I don’t mean a chair made entirely out of dildos, inflatable boobs with vibrating vagina armrests. That’s just plain weird!

So many of you many of you may be thinking that you don’t need such furniture; you have been having sex (mostly successfully) for years and without the need for any furniture (apart from a bed and that public toilet one drunken night many moons ago). Well sex furniture is a broad term that covers an entire range of things including such things as sex swings, inflatable chairs with bondage straps and portable exotic danger poles.

So if you feel like trying out something new here is just a selection of Funky Condom’s finest Sex Furniture.

Hot Pink Dance Pole Kit: A great portable dance pole you can pop up anywhere you feel like (well maybe not anywhere; I wouldn’t recommend putting it up in the bus station) and give your lover an eye popping treat as you spin and dance around it.

Cupids Couch Purple: This inflatable passion couch will totally transform your love life; manufactured from top quality cross woven PVC, it is ergonomically designed to enhance shared passion experiences. The couch consists of two air chambers for maximum support and the upper chamber can be quickly deflated allowing the partially deflated couch to be easily stored under your bed.

Super Sex Sling: This top quality swing allows you to get into the positions and places you’ve never been before. It offers extreme comfort and the ability for better penetration and G-Spot stimulation. Product DVD and instructional booklet included.

I Asked for the News not the Weather

Before I met my current partner, who I have to give kudos to, I had some not so delightful relationships and certainly had to cope with some very awkward and highly cringe-worthy ‘shows of affection’; way more embarrassing than the boyfriend that gets a boner at the family BBQ.

It’s the sloppy kisser; not only are the noises they make reminiscent of slapping a toad on the surface of a pond, but I also had to spend months with a permanently wet face. A sticky, slimy face; do you know when a dog licks its own paw when it is cleaning itself in those long licks…my face was that dogs paw and my boyfriend(ish) was the dog eager to clean up. I was a little bit concerned that he would hump my leg in public and drop a deuce on the neighbour’s garden…it was awful.

I tried to tell the poor guy that opening his mouth as wide as he possible could and then batting around my tongue with his. It was like he was trying to devour my head and the effects were certainly the same, fear and a face covered in saliva. I tried to teach the guy how I wanted to be kissed, but that caused a tantrum of toddler quality. It was no use; he was unwilling to learn and I was unwilling to undergo a thorough (and disgusting) face cleaning every time we saw each other. I ended the relationship, he called me a slut (real mature) and we haven’t seen or spoke since.

So if you want to learn more about how to please a woman try watching What Women Really Want; It offers essential relationship advise and is the definitive guide for women and their men on sexual techniques that enhance a women’s pleasure. It can’t hurt, and if you do something for her, she will have to do something for you, if you know what I’m saying.

An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away…Well not this One!

A doctor in Pennsylvania, clearly thought this saying had been over-used and decided to come up with his own.

The weight-loss doctor had some rather unusual advice for his patients who wanted to lose weight quickly. The chubby-chasing doctor told his patients he would have sex with them in his office and each orgasm they had would burn 200 calories (bit confident in his abilities don’t you think?). I once heard that you burn more calories vacuuming than you do having sex, but he wasn’t suggesting that to his patients was he? I notice he also didn’t suggest the women orchestrated their orgasms by themselves.

Dr. Arie Oren, 64, allegedly groped female patients with his hands and an electric massager. Suspicious patients informed the authorities and he was arrested on charges of aggravated indecent assault and indecent assault. He will be expected to deliver a whole other kind of orgasm a day in prison…that’s karma bitch.

You want to increase the frequency and intensity of your orgasms visit us here at Funky Condom; we have a wide range of lubricants designed to increase sensitivity and pleasure and all without a pervy doctor.

BC- Before Condoms: Part 2

Last week I promised you some more bizarre contraception methods from the past that were genuinely believed to prevent pregnancy. I wonder what our male ancestors thought when babies were popping out all over the place; were they puffing their chests out and strutting through the village, proud that their sperm was super strong to get past the lemon-soaked sponge or were women getting accused of cheating left, right and centre because ‘the wife always ate bees before she had sex with me…’ I can tell you that they certainly didn’t realise the obvious, that the contraceptive didn’t work, because there are many more weird contraceptive methods, and by this I don’t mean an empty crisp packet or Milky Way wrapper…ouch.

• Of you wanted to get into a women’s knickers in the dark ages, saying something was ‘magic’ was your free pass. What other reason cold there be for ladies strapping weasel testicles to their legs in an attempt to prevent pregnancy?

• Any woman will know that even now diaphragms were not the most pleasant things. So women everywhere should spare a thought for their Ancient Egyptian counterparts; as a rudimentary diaphragm they used honey mixed with crocodile poo. Who figured out this worked? That’s what I want to know.

• You think the T-1000 from Terminator 2 was the scariest use of mercury, think again. In 11th century China, after sex to prevent pregnancy women used to drink shots of mercury…I’m sure the sterility, brain damage and minor cases of death soon after was all pure coincidence.

• Did your grandma ever tell you that flat Cola can cure anything; sore tummy or dirty jewellery…then get out the Cola. Really want to have sex, but don’t have any crocodile poo or weasel testicles nearby…then get out the Cola, except it’s not for drinking. Yes it is what you think; not so long ago it was thought that douching the vagina after sex with Cola would prevent pregnancy. It just sounds sticky.

• Ancient condoms were made of oiled silk paper and lamb intestines (hopefully rinsed).The first rubber condoms were as thick as a bicycle inner tube and had a thick seam running down one side…sounds comfortable!

So now you know how bad it could be (even with condoms) you should be grateful for all the delightful condoms we have available today. This leads nicely on to Condom of the Week, and this week I have chosen the Pasante Duel Pleasure Condom. Along with the condom, you get a little extra sachet of lubricant to increase the sensations by getting things all nice and slippy.

Easter Treat

“Oh fantastic, another chocolate egg”

If you didn’t detect sarcasm in that statement, let me reassure you it is in fact there…by the bucket load. The long weekend is great, but the boring chocolate eggs that a forced down our throats from the 1st of January until it is finally over defies belief. Every year you know what to expect, and while you enjoy the chocolate egg while you are stuffing it down your throat, it certainly isn’t something that is memorable, moments after you have wiped the chocolate mess from around your mouth.

However, there is still time to make it up to your beloved. Quickly get yourself the Chocolate CloneAWilly kit and make your other half an exact, solid chocolate mould of your penis. Perhaps it would be best to mould your penis when you are ‘standing to attention’, it will make the whole thing more aesthetically pleasing and there will be a lot more chocolate.

The benefits are there for you too; if you think your partner could improve her performance by increasing her ‘oral exams’, so to speak, get them to do some ‘revision’ on the chocolate replica. Just be prepared for it’s gonna be so delicious, they may be tempted to bite…you certainly don’t want to encourage a precedent for that now do you?

Couldn't Pull a Muscle

“Do you work at subway? Because you have given me a foot-long”

“I’d love to se how you look when I’m naked”

“Is your name Gillette…because you’re the best that man can get”

“You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away”

“I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long”
Ok guys and girls, I have a couple of questions for you. Have any of you used any of the above chat up line? Ok so you have, well then I have another question for you. Are you single? Oh you are single…well it certainly is not a coincidence. Those chat up lines are nothing more than woman/man repellent. But it isn’t hopeless yet…yes you are useless once you open your mouth, but maybe the way you carry yourself is enough to charm a possible mate into one day maybe having sex with you. Read the following:

The place is a crowded dance floor in the hottest nightclub in town. You spot the object of your desire so you make your way through the dancing throng, battling your way to the most beautiful person in the room. After an eternity you finally make it to their side and proceed to dry hump the life out of them (not even in time with the music) and drool. Three seconds later the dance floor is deserted. Is this you? Oh it is…you thought they couldn’t handle you, because you’re just ‘too real’. No, you’re just a moron.

What you need is practice (and lots of it). Women, get yourself a male love doll, and men get yourself a female love doll, and practice out your lines, moves and everything else on something that can’t humiliate you. You will be hot stuff in no time.

I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That- Part 2

A few weeks ago I gave you a sneak peak into the wonderful world of the weird laws surrounding sex. I figured with the long Easter weekend coming up I thought you guys might need some extra fodder to fuel three days of bank holiday pub conversation. Previous entries included it being illegal to have sex with the devil without a Condom, not getting paid for animal sex and having the mother present when losing your virginity. So I have really pushed the boat out with this little lit. Take a look:

• Muslims are banned at looking at the genitals of a corpse (would this be something anyone would be itching to have a look at?), and this includes undertakers; the genitals must be covered with a piece of wood or a brick at all times.

• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is masturbation; if you got an itch down there you had better be discreet in scratching it.

• In Minnesota it is illegal for any man to have sex with any kind of fish; apparently a woman can have as much sex with a fish as she likes.

• In many, many US states it is illegal if an erection is visible through clothing; I’m not sure if it is the erection that is illegal or the clothing.

• In parts of Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on; I bet this is a bit of blessing and relief for some.

• In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her and jiggle her breasts for anyone she liked, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Who is the picture gonna tell? Bizarre stuff.

So that’s your lot, get out in the sun , get a beer or two and share these weird, strange and very real laws with your mates. Happy Easter.

The Nicolas Cage Philosophy on Sex

Professional weirdo, Nicolas Cage, has some rather weird views when it comes to food and sex. The full-time nutcase and part-time awful movie-maker, will wear what appears to be road-kill carcasses on the top of his head but he wont eat any animal that appears undignified during the sexual act (I guess that means he won’t be going cannibal anytime soon).

So what does Nicolas constitute as dignified animal sex? A top hat and a monocle perhaps? He must be dying to sink his teeth into a penguin or two; those adorable things look like they are permanently wearing Tuxedos. You can’t get much more dignified than that. But don’t worry nature lovers; Mr. Cage isn’t stalking Antarctica, in a white morph suit, hoping to find a tasty morsel. How about we hear it straight from the horse’s mouth (so to speak):

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

He is one dangerously ill man. If you want a tasty sexual experience that is nothing like the ‘Ghost Rider’s’ (awful movie), try one of the many Flavoured Lubricants we have here at Funky Condom.

BC- Before Condoms

I know there is a lot of grumbling that goes on when it comes to using condoms during sex. Inaccurate claims that it feels better without; it ruins the mood, blah, blah, blah. We should all be thanking ourselves lucky that we have condoms as an effective contraceptive method, because throughout the ages of history our ancestors weren’t so fortunate. Check out some of these bizarre contraceptive methods that came before the magical (it doesn’t actually perform real magic) condom.

• The Ancient Greeks tried to prevent conception by squatting after sex and pounding themselves relentlessly on the abdomen. That sure beats cuddling.

• Ancient Egyptian women used sea sponges soaked in lemon juices and vinegar inserted into the vagina (ouch) to keep those troublesome sperm at bay; they could be reused to clean the pyramid floors.

• Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain species of spider and attached them, wrapped in deer skin of course, to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not conceive. Sounds totally reasonable to me.

• St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure. Alive or dead I do not know, but wither way I don’t think it would build up my appetite for love.

• Casanova, the world’s most famous panty raider, used the empty rind of half a lemon to prevent his well-shared sperm from setting up home. I’m understandably sceptical of this method.

• Finally, in the 6th century is was widely believed to avoid conception, a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across her navel.

That’s all for now as it’s time for Condom of the Week; you should have a new found appreciation for the little latex miracles now. If you’re lucky I may have some more bizarre historical contraception methods for you next week. This week I have went for Fair Squared Ribbed Condoms to link into my foray into eco-sex yesterday. They are made from natural fair trade rubber from a sustainable source in South India and the condition under which the rubber is sourced ensures that the farmers get a fair deal. Farmers are paid a fair price and use the extra fair trade premium to invest in improvements to their community.
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